Yesterday afternoon, I arrived at Santee Lakes for a three-night stay. I need to stay in the San Diego area until the end of the month (dental stuff), and then I will be venturing north for the spring and summer.

This is the first time I have returned to this campground since my sweet Elsie the Cat disappeared here five years ago. One of the hard things about being sensitive to so much in my life is that I grieve for my losses deeply. And, to top it all off, I still have not forgiven myself for not noticing the side door to my rig was just a little open that evening. Maybe it had nothing to do with being a good pet owner, but I keep seeing myself as just that, not a good pet owner.

Here are links to the previous posts about Miss El when she went “on walkabout.” Clicking on the title will take you to the post on my blog.
Elsie Has Gone On Walkabout-Elsie is Missing
An Elsie Update
Learning to be Alone

I finally decided to buck up and return to this lovely campground. Since I only needed somewhere for three nights, I figured I could endure the stay.

I sniffled my way to the registration office and reminded myself why I like camping here. Santee Lakes is the oldest water reclamation project in California. The 190‐acre Park has seven beautiful recycled lakes. It is stocked with fish and is also a wildlife preserve. It is home to all kinds of birds, including waterfowl, shorebirds, and other types of wildlife. Years ago, I walked through this park and found a golden eagle feasting on a not-so-lucky duck.

When I arrived at the registration desk, I was reminded why I like camping here. The staff remembered me and Elsie the Cat. The woman who checked me in came around the counter and hugged me. It made me feel loved and honored. I knew they had been looking for that little kitty, too. It felt like being welcomed home.

I am camped next to one of the lakes. I woke to find all kinds of ducks hanging out behind my rig: Shovelers, Cinnamon Teals (one of my favorite birds), Coots, Ruddy Ducks, and Wood Ducks, to name a few. A pair of Western Bluebirds arrived as I ate breakfast outside. And now I hear a Kingfisher.

I have to work on self-forgiveness. For five years, I blamed the loss of Elsie on the fact that I was not a good pet owner. Deep inside, I know I am not a bad pet owner. These things sometimes happen. Will I be more attentive to checking the doors at night? Yes! Can I begin to think of inviting another kitty into my life again? Yes, well maybe. Not yet. First, I have to work on self-forgiveness.

Aren’t we always the hardest on ourselves? I have recognized that with so much throughout my whole life. Why I do that to myself is beyond me, most of the time. Part of the issue with Elsie is that she was Jim’s cat. Losing anything that was part of our life together has so many issues wrapped around it. I am still working through all this over twelve years later and probably for the rest of my life.

Am I finally glad I returned here? Yes. The welcome at the desk was enough. Waking up on the water and seeing all the birds helped my soul, and the camera came out. Will I return again? Maybe. It is kind of warm here today. I have gotten used to the constant ocean breezes. I am not sure I am willing to give that up.

Today, I am thankful I have returned. I am grateful for recognizing the importance of returning to the Lakes and allowing myself forgiveness and growth. I would like to think I can let this go so I can grow and become more human, forgiving, and whole.

Today, I am thankful.