Holding My Breath Time of the Year

“There is nothing more essential to our health and well-being than breathing: take air in, let it out, repeat 25,000 times a day. “

Breathe

To inhale and exhale air: breathe deeply now; to be alive; to whisper: Don’t breathe a word of this to your mother.

To be alive; live: A nicer person has never breathed.

To pause to rest or regain breath: Give me a moment to breathe.

Breathe Easily/Easy/Freely

To be relaxed or relieved, especially after a period of tension.


Every fall, I arrive back in San Diego to visit my friends, enjoy a warm early winter, and get all my medical appointments and dental work done for the year. It is a mix of joy, seeing friends I haven’t seen since last year and getting all my appointments lined up.

This is a Hold My Breath Time of Year.

I have had cancer twice. Twelve years ago, I had breast cancer, a rare (not always a welcome word) form of cancer. After a lumpectomy and treatment with radiation, I was finished treatment. That was followed by a five-year treatment plan, taking a pill every day. Suppression is key. Although I was never told I was cancer-free, I have had “no evidence of disease” now for eleven years.

In 2019, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I had surgery to remove my thyroid and then received treatment with radioactive iodine. Thyroxine is taking over the function of the thyroid in a dose to suppress any thyroid tissue growth.

And then there is the dentist. I don’t have the best teeth and gums in the world. It is somewhat hereditary. If I ever go to the dentist and get good news, I become suspicious that something was overlooked. Sigh.

Every year, when the appointments begin, I metaphorically “hold my breath.” I wait for the tests and the results to come pouring in.

Two weeks ago, I had my thyroid labs done and had a visit with the endocrinologist. Everything looks good. I let out my breath a little.

Today, my annual mammogram was done. A little more breath was released. Now I wait. Each day without a phone call means that my mammogram is normal. Each day, I exhale a bit more and inhale more deeply. The final exhale will arrive when I read the results of the mammogram and am told I am good for another year.

Then there is the dentist. Oh my, the dentist. I am not free and clear here. Surgery is looming this winter. Sigh. After two deep cleanings, I need to wait for a month and a half to see how this treatment worked. I don’t hold my breath for the dentist. I am used to bad news from this quarter. I also know that the treatments are not life-threatening. Bad diagnoses are normal, and when I am given good news, I don’t know that I trust the results. Once the news, bad or good, is given, a little more release of breath occurs.

Finally, I return to breathing normally, whatever that means. I can release and let go for another year. My anxiety settles, and I can resume breathing in and out, fully and deeply.

Breath is to yoga what water is to a fish: essential for movement and life force. Consider this Sanskrit proverb: “For breath is life, and if you breathe well, you will live long on earth.”

Taking five minutes out of my day to practice yogic breathing helps to decrease my stress and anxiety while waiting for appointments and test results. As each year passes, it becomes easier for me to remember to breathe and relax most of the time. The further I get from the C word, the easier it is to find calm in chaos.

Today, I am thankful for being in a country with good medicine and good people working in the medical field. Their warm greetings help allay my free-floating anxiety.

Today, I am thankful for all the years of yogic practice that have given me the simple and valuable tool of breath.

Today, I am thankful for Breathing.

Janet’s Inner Child Goes to the Dentist

I really dislike the dentist. Let me rephrase this statement, I really dislike going to the dentist. Since I was in fifth grade I have gotten bad news from almost every dentist I have ever had. Often when I visit the dentist I feel like a fifth grader again.

It is not unheard of, in my past, to break into tears as the dentist once again announces that more dental work needs to be done. Impacted teeth must come out. Oh look I need another root canal. Those crowns look old, time to be replaced. There is a cavity underneath that crown, off comes the crown a filling is placed, and on goes a new crown. About five years ago it was announced that two of my back teeth needed to come out, bone buildup needed to be done, and just like that, I had my first implant. Oh sigh.

At close to seventy years old “young Janet” often shows up when she goes to the dentist. If there is one place that my inner child finds free reign to come out and create havoc, just point me towards the dentist. I become a nervous wreck, not sleeping well the night before my appointment, and bracing myself for the “hard news” once again. I encourage myself to be strong and don’t cry. It isn’t that bad. The news feels like the end of the world and the tears come.

I will use several techniques to keep calm and in control. I wish they always worked but at least I have them in my arsenal and often I am amazed to find they do work.

  • Breath Work. I have practiced yoga for many years. I am able to bring forth breath work to help me through this stressful time. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.
  • I picture the whole event before it happens. I see myself as calm and in control.
  • I have had talks with my inner child from time to time, remembering to tell her that she is loved and this is a part of life. After the appointment is over I can have a treat. It helps. Really. Today a Donut. (I know, not a healthy choice but sometimes…)
  • I do a lot of research so that I can become my own best advocate. I know it is sometimes hard for the dentist to have to answer all the questions yet it makes me feel better to be a little more in control.
  • I arrive early so I have time to relax and breathe.
  • There was one dentist in my past that had a massage chair. I liked that a lot.
  • And if all else fails after my visit I have a good cry and get over it.

I am in San Diego, camped at Mission Bay and I have two more dental appointments this month. Sigh. It helps that this periodontist is professional and kind and treats me with respect. As I signed the treatment plans today I felt that I was becoming a part of the team. I think this helps me remain a little more the adult Janet.

I still went for that white cream-filled donut on my way back to my rig.