Last Thursday was Jim’s birthday. I miss the chocolate frenzy that often accompanied his day. He was definitely a chocoholic and waited all year for Tammy’s chocolate cake and anything else chocolate that came his way. When I was first with him there was a group of people at Grossmont College that had birthdays in October. They would have a party at one of their homes and everyone brought incredible chocolate desserts. I would eat a little of some but not Jim. He would take a good size piece of each dessert, enjoy that first taste (he often closed his eyes and had a look of supreme happiness on his face) and then return for seconds. This is the man who increased his pants waist size by 1 inch since college. I am so glad I can remember these moments with him.
Tomorrow, Wednesday is my birthday. Thursday Jim will be gone a year. It is amazing to me that it has been that long. It feels like yesterday in many ways. I still look up once in a great while and think he will be coming around the corner. Now I know better, so no-one worry. It just is an odd experience to go through.
I am definitely doing much better. The traveling I did over the summer certainly had a very positive affect on who I am now. Seeing so many people and meeting so many new people who supported me and cared about me over the past several years has helped me move forward through the difficult time following Jim’s death. I am honored to know my friends remain there for me. I hope they know I am there for them too. All we have is each other and I feel strongly that I want to support others as I have been supported.
I am not sure what my direction is going to be. I don’t have to know. I believe it will come to me in time. I want to live each day to it’s fullest, whatever that may mean to me at the moment. In the meantime I need to get so much done around home since I arrived back here about 1 month ago. Cleaning, sorting, giving away, selling and more takes time and patience. I have finally discovered the importance of lists.
I am continuing on with my 365 days of thank you notes. I am not always good at doing one each day. I find some days I feel like writing more than one and I do. Some days I find it difficult to figure out who or what I am thankful for. There are times I feel thankfulness through my whole being. I like those moments yet I think sometimes I need to quiet that part of me down so I can deal with “life”. During those times I find if I go inside myself and observe, there is always an inkling of light that is thankfulness within me. It is nice to acknowledge this inkling is there and alive within me.
Have I felt any different since starting this faze of my Journey of Thankfulness? I am not sure. I pay more attention to what others are doing when they are around me. It has made me a little more patient. I wish I could say I have slowed down but I don’t think I have. I finally decided this morning to get back to walking and hiking. I was out this morning, early. It doesn’t take me long to remember how much being outside and in nature makes me content and happy.
I am making an appointment tomorrow to get my solar panels on my RoadTrek. I am ready to do some desert camping in my cute little vehicle. The temperatures are falling and it will be great to sleep easy after a day of hiking and exploring. I am anxious to get back in the RV and go have fun. In the meantime….Happy Birthday to me.