Monthly Archives: May 2014

What Am I Waiting For

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Elsie hiding

Elsie hiding

OK, yes, I have been in hiding. This past spring has been hard for me. I decided this year that I was going to stay home and face my grief head on and find life again, not just a little bit of life but life full on. I am not there yet. I am getting closer.

One thing I have definitely learned, since I was diagnosed with breast cancer four years ago is to ask for help. I have continued this theme in my life through all the broken bones and Jim’s cancer and death. Asking for help, I discovered, is a sign of strength. It also reflects a commitment on my part to find the strength to move forward.

My healing team includes Beth (massage therapist & friend), Gayle (acupuncturist & a little bit more), Dr Wright (chiropractor & friend) and the latest addition is Heidi (psychologist). I decided that I was just being blah for too long so I decided two weeks ago to go back into counseling. It is good to have an unbiased third party in my corner.

Heidi wants me to journal. I bet that none of you know how much I dislike writing. Over all my years of adventure and travel, I have often had people say to me “you should write a book”. Well that sounded horrible to me. I have always seen myself as more of a story teller and yet, here I am writing a blog. Hmmm…interesting.

I have not physically sat down and started to journal. I was hiking in the mountains east of San Diego last Friday, alone. The whole time I was hiking I found I was journaling in my head. That was much easier. I saw myself coming home and putting all my thoughts on paper. Instead here I am blogging.

Hiking a Conservancy Trail

Hiking a Conservancy Trail

I made a statement when I was with Heidi that I felt I was waiting, not for Jim but just waiting. It was suggested that I journal about what I was waiting for. As I was climbing that trail this was what I asked myself about.

What am I waiting for?

1.  True Love. (sorry I had to start on a light note. The Princess Bride is a favorite movie of mine.)

2.  A big aha moment. Something that is going to define my life in it’s latest incarnation.

3.  I wait for someone to tell me what I should be doing next. (I know, I need to tell myself)

4.  Smaller aha moments would also be more than acceptable.

5.  I am waiting to feel the fullness and joy of life again. There are small moments but I want more.

6.  Hugs and recognition from friends and strangers. People who will take the time to ask me how I am doing and be willing to accept a truthful answer and then take me to a movie, go for a walk or play scrabble. (just a sampling of things to do)

7.  I am still trying to figure out  when to sell my house. This spring I have been very glad to have a comfortable home to hole up in. Seeing spring in my yard was a delight.

8.  Where is my next trip in my RV. I have not finished thanking my far away friends, although, right now it feels important to stay put.

9.  Sometimes I feel I am just waiting to figure “it” all out. What “it” is, I am not sure.

Engleman Oaks

Engleman Oaks

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Native Grasses

Cactus

Cactus

   More Photos of my Hike

artistsway-250x300There is a beginning of my list. I still plan to journal. I find the free form of journaling a comfort as I just write what my hand tells me to. Have you ever heard of the Book “The Artist’s Way”? This is a very good book that the reader needs to be involved in. I did the process of  journaling three pages every morning for weeks. It was  boring and insightful and I was glad when it was done. I find there seems to be a magic about putting your words down on paper, even when you don’t really want to.  Writing gave a different perspective to my thoughts and feelings.

This blog has certainly helped me see some truths that might have otherwise slipped away unnoticed. I also notice Journeys of Thankfulness helps me keep my heart and spirit open to the moment and is a heartwarming way to keep in touch with friends.

Journey On.

Monumental Moments

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imagesThere are many moments we all experience in our lives that we think are monumental. As I reflect back there are monumental moments in my life too. I decided to research the definition of monumental when I thought of writing this posting. Here  is what I found.

  • Exceptionally great, as in quantity, quality, extent, or degree: a monumental work.
  • Of historical or enduring significance: a monumental victory. 
  • Having the quality of being larger than life; of heroic scale.
Email photoI often associate this word with something giant that is a marker of sorts in my personal life (Jim’s death, Breast Cancer) or society’s life (Landing on the Moon).  I also feel that small events in my life may be monumental as well.

About two weeks ago I decided to change my e-mail. My previous e-mail prefix was jimjanet. I decided that since change is in the air,  it might be time to create a new prefix that defines me in my current state of life. I changed it successfully, to define myself.

What I thought would be just a quick change in my communication life immediately became a monumental shift. Some of this shift was just the physical change of address. I had no idea how many user IDs and passwords are wrapped up in  my e-mail. I am still working on this angle. images (2)

Then there is the emotional component that went into this change. Wow, my emotions have been all over the place since I decided to take this step. I had no idea that my emotions could be so wrapped around this little prefix. It is probably good that I live alone. I don’t think anyone would be able to tolerate me on a full time basis when this type of event happens. Sometimes I feel like I need to get away from me too. But…I march forward and wait it out knowing that the emotions will even out until the next monumental event happens, no matter how small.

I am also thankful to my close friends near (in San Diego) and far (Philadelphia, NC & beyond). They allow me to vent and share and cry. Then we go out to a movie or dinner and laugh and life is on track again.

I heard someone say recently that after the loss of their partner, first you just live every day. Then one day you noticed that you aren’t just managing to live through the day, you find yourself involved in life again. I am not quite there yet. There are moments of joy and light that sneak in when I am not  looking, yet I feel like I am still mainly living through each day, being thankful for  my house and yard that I am comfortable in, my friends, my cat. These are all reminders of the fullness of life. I am still moving forward, one slow  step at a time.

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Joyful flowers in my yard