I thought, after I sold the house that life would slow down, maybe just a little. I have been busy. I needed to replace latches on my cabinets in my Roadtrek. That required two trips to Home Depot and a new tool. I then hung a new screen door. Another day and another trip to Home Depot. I am nesting.
I know I have brought too many things but gradually everything is finding a home. I just need to remember where I put it.
It has been an interesting week. The first few days were fine. I was relaxing, catching up on some reading and settling in. By the third day I began to feel emotionally lost and sad. I recognized that what I am feeling is a sense of displacement. I am just over the hill from my former home, yet it seems so far away and it is no longer mine. I have lived in San Diego county for close to thirty years and even though I am still here, I am not sure I live here now. Where the heck did these feelings come from?
I am waiting. Waiting for Yvonne to come home, well I was waiting to sell my car but now that is not going through, waiting for direction, waiting to get started (although I have already started), and just plain waiting. On any given day so many emotions run through me.
I miss Jim. I really don’t miss the house. I miss the symbolism of it. Just like everything else I have experienced in the past 5 years, I have to wait for this time to play out. While I am waiting for the end result I still have to tackle the emotions daily. I try not to be hard on myself. I don’t have much patience for this behavior in myself.
If I think this is a bit hard, now, I can’t imagine what my original plan of selling the house 3 months after Jim died would have been like. In some ways it may have been easier, I was running on a lot of adrenaline at the time. Selling the house may have been easy but the repercussions, I believe would have been more overwhelming.
Today I know that it was time for me to move out of the house. It was time to kick start things and move myself forward. Change is hard, though. Everything takes time. I have not been very good about reaching out to my friends and family in the past several days. I have been kind of wallowing. And all those stubborn traits come into play. “I am an adult, I can handle this.” “My friends must be tired of me whining.” “It has been over three years, Janet. Deal with it.” “Why would my friends want me around if I am moping?” Argh!!!! I keep forgetting that it is OK to ask for help. It is OK to let others know that I cry (still not real comfortable with this one). It is OK not to be perfect. I don’t believe my friends have ever turned away from me. I have been very fortunate.
Just to make sure you know I am not just sitting and wallowing here are some things I have been doing to keep myself busy and having some fun.
- Walking and exploring a new, very lovely neighborhood.
- Exploring Harry Griffin Regional Park, about 4 blocks from the house.
- Riding my bike, same neighborhood, same park.
- Last night I heard a lovely concert at a concert venue, Folky Monkey. All music by Paul Simon.
- Tomorrow I help, Nancy hang the kayaks and I am taking my scooter for one last ride.
- Watching Le Tour de France, I am a very faithful watcher for a number of years now.
- Going to the library. Reading.
- Spending time in the wonderful back yard at Yvonne’s House.
- Visiting with Gloria, a boarder at Yvonne’s.
- Meals with friends.
So I am mucking through change, in all it’s grand and glorious forms. I still have no regrets about selling the house and moving out. It was time and since I can’t quite figure out what is next, well, I think it is time for me and Miss Elsie to go and find out.
I have about a week left here before everything is wrapped up. I am going to try to reach out to my friends a little more while I am here and it would be just fine if my friends reach out to me.
I have fun and unique plans ahead of me. I promise to share more about them as they develop. For now I take it one day at a time and remind myself to go and have a little fun every day, even when I don’t feel like it.
One last ride on your scooter; aren’t you taking it with you on the RT hitch?
You are very good at expressing your inner-self; I find it helpful as I’m sure others who are dealing with the loss of their spouse will too.
Grace right now I am not taking the scooter. I am taking my bicycle. I need to go one step at a time.
Great! You’ll have another mode of transportation with your bike. You are doing fantastic with all you’ve accomplished.
You are amazing at expressing your feelings.
20 years ago, I took off in my 4-wheel drive truck with my dog, Sam, as I wanted to see the national parks on the west coast and no one else wanted to do it. About 300 miles down the road, I starting questioning this idea/dream and considered going back home. But, so glad I didn’t as those 6 weeks and 6,000 miles are/were some of the best days of my life.
Can’t wait to hear more about the amazing adventures you are going to experience in the days ahead.
Happy trails, Jb
Ps…please resend Jim’s foundation info as I would like to make a contribution as my thank you for entrusting me with your contact Jim
Davis and the FCCLA program.
Your blog is helpful to those like me who are dealing with similar stages of life, even though not including loss of spouse. My long time renter just moved out of my house yesterday, I am selling my house in Mpls., and for most of this past year have been looking, but completely unable to decide where I want to live or even what type of place (buy? rent? condo? townhouse? Roadtrek like Janet? — Nowhere feels “right” yet). I realized when a person doesn’t have kids or aging parents or a spouse or partner to consider, where one lives is a wide open choice, a situation that has its pros and cons. It sure will be strange moving out of a house I have owned for 16 years, and being “homeless” so to speak. So I do understand some of your story Janet. One just has to trust in the process and feel the feelings when they come up. Janet, thanks for sharing your ongoing life experiences.
Yer old pal, Kat I., from Mpls. – this time when you’re on the road, I hope we can connect somewhere.
I so appreciate your struggles, and capturing them so beautifully. (and the photos). I feel akin on this one – where to live? how? when to move? And I am 6 years on now, just after a terrible trial (as in court) so I guess there really is no timeline. I, too, forget to be gentle, kind and patient with myself. And I resent the tears and asking for help – I should be good at this by now! Alas, is this something anyone should be good at?
You always remind me there is brightness ahead. Thank you!