I have been on the Olympic Peninsula for the past several days. At the most Cat and I are moving south in increments of 25-35 miles per day. It is strange to be moving so slowly and it is still something I am getting used to.
Sometimes it feels like time is almost standing still. I feel like I am moving slowly through my day. I have a lot of time to ponder, big issues, small issues, issues in general. More specifically I have time to address my issues. Sigh.
Selling my home was a big step for me. It is one I do not regret. I knew I needed to move from there and it was time. I feel a bit lost. I am certainly hoping for some sort of “Ah-Ha” moment on this trip. I don’t care if it is big or small.
Shortly after Jim’s death, I met a man, who’s partner died over 12 years ago. He had been moving about since that time. He had traveled all over the world, never once returning to the home they shared. It was shut up and waiting. Shortly before I met him, he had returned to their home for the first time. He was honest with me and told me that he had been running from grief, responsibility and more. He had been having fun, experiencing many things in his distant travels. He had been running from his grief.
When I sold my house I wanted to be sure that I was not running from my grief. I wanted to be responsible for my life. Since Jim’s death I wanted to make sure that I was not running from all that had happened in my life. Yet, here I am, wondering if I too, am not running from my grief and my responsibility to figure out what is next. Is it OK to be running from grief? Well maybe a little. Maybe the important part of this whole topic, right now, is to acknowledge and be aware that this is happening. Probably the most important thing is not to be too hard on myself. It is OK to be human and fallible.
Cat and I are getting along well, mostly. I feel we are still negotiating on becoming a team. We work well together. As I have been traveling with her, old issues have surfaced for me. Long standing issues. Long, long standing issues (self worth). It may be why I feel a bit sad and out of sorts today. I am still figuring out life. And some days, well, it kind of sucks. I know better than to wallow for long though and in an hour or so or by tomorrow morning I will pick myself up and feel better and move on.
I am enjoying seeing this part of the world. it is beautiful and different than other places I have been. I love the misty ocean in the mornings and the beautiful clear lakes. The rain forest has been amazing, although not very wet since we have been here. The Big Leaf Maples are often shrouded in moss. Everything speaks of moisture even when not present.
Well, enough wallowing time. I am sitting in a beautiful lodge on Lake Quinault. Tomorrow I think we will leave the Olympic National Park and head south on the 101. it is a long day for Cat, 40 plus miles. Elsie and I will travel with ease early in the day and then set up camp. I will have time, then to explore.
What would help me is to have my family and friends remember me. I am only and e-mail or phone call away. It is because of my huge base of support that I am able to be out there in the world.
Today I am thankful for every single person that I know. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.