Eleven years but who is counting? I guess I am. Eleven years ago yesterday Jim, my husband died. Eleven years is sometimes a long time and sometimes it is yesterday.
Yesterday morning I awoke on the shores of Lake of the Ozarks, took my coffee to the water’s edge, and watched a stunning fall morning unfold. This is my reflecting time. I ponder and wonder at the mystery of it all.
Yesterday was a hard day for me, physically. I was exhausted. It wasn’t a normal exhaustion, it was bone-wearying. I could hardly move from my rig to the picnic table. I had all these plans for yesterday. The only thing I accomplished was a languid rambling walk, followed by a nap. I never feel like this, Never. Then I realized grief had shown up once again in my life. It is always in the background somewhere but yesterday it said hello and popped up into the foreground of that moment of my life. If I couldn’t move then I decided not to move. I read and napped and gave myself permission to just be.
I have had six good friends die within the past eight months. That is a lot. I think the grieving I feel for their loss and the loss of Jim made me give up and accept that yesterday I could not be a superhero and I needed to give in to this and love myself. And so I did.
Grief is still a mystery to me. It appears that it is something that will never go away. It just continues to shift and move and mold to the moment. I am learning that it is important to put grief in its appropriate place in my life. Like fear, I wonder if I can make grief my ally. What if I can make this feeling and emotion help me move forward. What if I let grief guide me to a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me and give me guidance on how to support and love others.
When I feel grief to the intensity I did yesterday, a full-body type of grief, I am in the moment, not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow. It is one of the things I remember most about the last days of Jim’s life. He was certainly in the moment and so was I. There was nothing beyond each moment for both of us. It was intensely emotional and heart felt. It almost felt like a blessing to be in its presence.
Today I am back on the road. I have about two weeks until I arrive in San Diego. It is time for my annual check-ups. It is time to visit with friends. Today it is Oklahoma, tomorrow it will probably still be Oklahoma. These are big states. I am enjoying the fall foliage.
Today I am thankful for recognizing grief as a teacher. Today I am thankful for giving myself a break.
Today I am Thankful.
Journeys of Thankfulness 
Janet,
You and I have not had the pleasure of meeting, but I have followed your wanderings for a long time.
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It is a pleasure to meet you.
Did you receive my full message. I don’t see it.
I am not sure as this is mentioned anonymously.
Janet,
You and I have not had the pleasure of meeting, but I have followed your wanderings for a long time.
I’m located in Central Arkansas, Greenbrier, which is near Conway. If you ever need a place to catch your breath, enjoy a few home cooked meals and fellowship, please reach out. My drive away is a great place to land. You can have as much privacy as you desire.
What a beautiful photo / memory of you and Jim. My arms extend across the miles in a hug. Indeed, that mind-body connection is strong in the presence of grief. So glad you gave yourself a break, my friend.
Safe travels back to San Diego.
Thank you.
Glad you took a rest filled day. Good for the mind and soul. Hug
Jim was a positively remarkable individual. He changed my perspective on life and I valued every minute we spent together. Jim brought balance, calmness, and perspective to every situation and to everyone he encountered. He was a blessing to me, and others, in countless ways. Thank you Janet for sharing this intimate and private part of your life with us. Your sacrifice offers so much encouragement for so many who follow you vicariously and in real time.
Thank you.
I am assuming this is John and yes he was a very remarkable man. And I am so glad we met.
I’ve been deep diving Brene Brown’s ‘Atlas of the Heart’. Her chapter ‘Places We Go When We Are Hurting: Anguish, Hopelessness, Despair, Sadness and Grief’, gives rise to the importance of a greater breadth and depth of language to express both the physical experience as well as emotional
I like this. Thank you for sharing it.
Hi Janet. I was touched by your post. Your profound loss is personal and please know you will always have a place in our home and life. Buddhism sees pain and grief as normal events that should be embraced and felt in all ways physically and emotionally in order to reflect and grow. Wish you peace.
Thank you for the invitation But I am not sure who you are since you posted this anonymously. I agree with the Buddhist Philosophy. It makes perfect sense to me. That is why I want to help make grief my ally. If it continues to surface at times in my life I want to be able to embrace it, welcome it and then let it go.
I am glad you are taking time for yourself. Grief hits each of us in different ways and we each deal with it differently. I find peace in Jesus Christ who gave me the Comforter (Holy Spirit) to help me deal with pain and sorrow. I hope your sorrow is soon lifted so you may find joy again.
Agree, a personal relationship with Him Jesus Christ is far superior to any religion.✝️
Thank you for sharing your grief.
It seems to me that anyone who has lost someone not only is feeling their own grief, but are also being hit by so many deaths all over the world, adding to personal grief.
YES! We need to love ourselves and our surviving friends and family enough to stop and grieve when it comes to us. Sleep, breathe, sit in the woods or at the water, remember the love and joy we felt with those that are gone, and, when ready, live the beautiful lives our loved ones would want for us. Thinking of you in my heart – Charlotte