Today, October 17th, the day after my birthday, marks the day Jim, my husband, died of metastatic cancer. Fourteen years seems like such a long time ago, yet some days it continues to feel like yesterday.

Since his death, October, is an odd month for me. Jim entered the hospital the day before his birthday and died the day after mine. One week can make such a difference.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. In 2010, I joined the ranks of breast cancer survivors. When I was first diagnosed, I was angry, really angry that something like this could interrupt my life. I successfully navigated the process and came out the other side. To this day, I don’t like pink. I know that there are so many organizations that research and let all of us know so much more about Breast Cancer. It make it more treatable. I still don’t like being reminded that I am a survivor, and I still don’t like pink and everything Pink October. I have moved on.

In 2019, I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. I returned to the medical system, and once again the treatment was successful. I am once again cancer-free.

So, here I am, a tapestry of human experience, like the rest of us. Over the years, my life has become easier; I accept more than I used to, and I am learning to release things more gracefully. I embrace change more easily. And…I continue to grow and change.

With Jim’s death, my life profoundly changed. Within two years, I sold the house, moved into a small RV, and began to roam. My life has always seemed to be dictated by change and growth. Sometimes the change has been positive and lovingly accepted, and other times I arrive kicking and screaming. Change still happens.

In year 14 of the loss of Jim, I remember him every day. Today I lovingly remember him and hold those memories close. We traveled, slept in the tops of trees, snorkeled with seals and sea lions, hiked to the heights, kayaked different waterways, biked at least once a week, and so much more. Mostly, I remember the everyday moments he and I shared. We were truly partners and best friends. The best of all worlds.

And still, Change Happens. It happens whether I like it or not. It happens whether expected or unexpected. I don’t always know what form or effect it will have on my life. With my arms as wide open as possible, I will continue to attempt to embrace change in my life. Some days it will be baby steps and other days giant ones.

I will always carry Jim forward with me as I move through my life. My 22 years with him have molded me and changed me and made me more of everything. I am forever grateful for my time with him. I will continue to miss him and embrace the time we shared together.

Today I am thankful for Jim. Today I am thankful for Growth and change.

Today Here I Am.