The first year was hard yet I kept myself busy and that year seemed to move quickly. All of a sudden he was gone a year. Now I don’t mean to imply that it was easy because it wasn’t. I missed him in a large all encompassing way.
This second year has gone by slower. I have had a much tougher time finding the energy to stay positive and delightful. This year I have missed him in the small ways.
- A touch.
- His voice.
- His kisses.
- His help around the house, for sure.
- Kayaking solo because my buddy isn’t here.
- Bicycling solo because….
- Conversation. I think I miss this most of all. He was a very intelligent person and we had conversations in depth. Now I find that when I meet someone, like Silver Hooligan (Kat), and we have that kind of conversation I pull it in to my brain, my heart, my soul, through the pores of my skin.
- Where is my waltz and polka partner?
- Goofing around the house and being silly.
- Laughing at the Simpsons.
Planning marvelous adventure trips together.
This gives you an idea of the small things. The list could go on and on.
This past year I struggled. I met new people to help me out, my acupuncturist, Gayle, a new therapist, Heidi (my other one retired, sigh). I chose to meet this grief and sadness head on this year and you know, I feel better. I am not done yet but I feel better. I feel better, about me, about life, about others, about my house and more. It feels good to feel better. There are times that I still curl up in my house and that is OK, as long as I come out again.
I have found that work helps. I work part time locally as a tour guide. I love my job and I truly enjoy the other guides I work with. I go to some mundane places (the airport) and some lovely places (La Jolla Shores). Mostly I enjoy being out and catching up with others. It is fun to see people have a wonderful time. I meet interesting people in this job.
I worry that others will forget Jim and yet when I speak with his close friends I realize they will always remember him in their hearts. I find I am now starting to tell Jim stories and others share theirs with me. This is a new development and I find I enjoy it and it feels light.
Travel also helps. Tomorrow I am going to head out in my RV, the cute little Roadtrek. I am traveling through the deserts of southern California and Arizona, where I will meet up with Kat (Silver Hooligan-see my last post) for a night. Next will be Flagstaff where I hopefully, will be seeing a much different Sharon than I did a year ago in July. For those of you who have been following my blog, she was the one who ended up in the hospital while I was there.
On Friday I am going to a private ranch, Kane Ranch, on the north rim of the Grand Canyon to take a water color workshop. This is a big step for me. I have tried a few times since Jim left to paint. It has never worked out. I decided to go where I might get some inspiration. The Kane Ranch is owned by the Grand Canyon Trust. I support their cause and they are the organization that is sponsoring this workshop. If I can’t paint I can always pick up my camera and just enjoy being there.
Lastly I will be on my way to Zion National Park and a visit with my dear friend Sharon. You can scroll back to September of 2013 to read about this very special family. Since that time David has gone on to join Jim. We have a lot to talk about.
Adventuring off on my own takes a bit of courage for me. I have at times been anxious and stressed in preparation for this trip. Yet I persevere. I know that once I get behind that wheel I will be happy and ready to explore where I am going. I take all my friends with me. I feel everyone’s love and support and encouragement. Thank you for getting me through year two.
On to year three.