Last week I was once again purging my house. This is an event that started with Jim’s death and continues periodically ever since.

With this purge I found a box containing every card or letter I had ever sent to Jim, over the 22 years that I knew him. It also contained Christmas and  Birthday cards from members of his family and my sister, Ginny. I sat and read every single one of them. I enjoyed reading them and following our courtship through the ensuing years. It made me feel good.

cards

These letters and cards also held some surprises for me. I would like to share a few of these with you.

• I can write. I know you might be surprised to hear me say this, being that I have been blogging for 2 1/2 years. I really never thought of myself as a writer. I have always considered myself as more of a story teller.
• I wrote my own poetry to Jim. Some of the poems were not too bad and some were corny and amateurish. They were heart felt.
• Our relationship progressed fast. As I read, I realized how quickly we knew that we were ready to commit for the long run.
• Both of us were emotionally and intellectually honest one hundred percent of the time.
• I was willing to bare my soul to him. I did not seem to have any fear of not being accepted for who I am.
• I can be a mush and a romantic. This is not how I would describe myself to anyone, ever, in my whole life.
• Some of the cards were funny and punny. We shared a similar sense of humor. That certainly came out in the cards. My humor developed over the course of our relationship and even if it is off color, I exhibit that humor more often now than I ever have before.
• Jim brought out a playfulness and joy in me. When I feel safe and loved this trait is released into the world more.

Now I have discarded the letters and cards, except for a handful. Why?  I don’t need the physical cards to remember the specialness of the relationship. Every time I speak of him and our relationship, I am expressing the depth of caring and fun we had together. Who I am today is a direct result of being in such a fine relationship for 22 years. And…I am purging.

I also have a box of letters and cards that Jim sent to me. As of right now I have not sat and read all of them. I will hold on to them for a while, yet. These hold a different significance. It helps me to remember what a special person Jim was and how significant and good our relationship was. It also reminds me of how valued and treasured I was by this very good man. When I am feeling sad or a bit down it is good to have a visual reminder of how much I am loved and cared for.

I love the feeling of purging. Everything including myself and the house feels so much lighter. It feels right to do this. I have a long way to go before I can release emotional attachment to my belongings. Each time I purge though, I feel I get a little closer to this goal in my life.

El Cat

Never fear, I will not purge Elsie the cat. She and I are in for the long haul.