Sometimes I try to get creative when I write a new post. After leaving it for a few days, I come back, review it and am amazed that it sounds awful and pretentious. I delete it and start over.
When I first started this blog, I sat in front of my computer and tried to think creatively and I was an utter failure. I could think of nothing to say. Then this little voice inside me said “write from your heart”. I have been doing this ever since.
I just deleted a post I started a few days ago. What makes me think I can write as an expert or an authority on anything? I am mucking through my existence like most others. Each day I can look at what I have accomplished or not accomplished and realize I am still trying to figure “it” out. Some days I feel like I am a bit closer to knowing and some days it feels like I am just starting out.
Life is an adventure. When I was single, back in my 20’s and 30’s, I explored and questioned and found amazing things. Many topics helped me stretch my boundaries and grow in ways I would have never imagined. I traveled to exotic and not so exotic places. I studied with teachers. Everything I did shaped me into who I am today.
So the real question becomes, who am I today? I know I am an accumulation of my life experiences, which seems like a pat answer, with no definition at all. Over the past few months I have had time to reflect on this question and, guess what?, I still have no answer.
I like to think of myself as an honest and kind person. Most of the time I am there, yet, not always. I keep learning from others. Linda who, along with her husband, loaned me their “cabin” in northern Idaho has been a good example for me. We have had some long and interesting talks. I realized that I would like to follow her example of taking a situation and looking at it from many perspectives. There is no black and white, not really, in this world we humans inhabit. I realize that I do not have the whole picture in any situation I walk into. It is good to step back and observe more, create less opinions or judgement too early. By doing this I have met and developed some very good and loving friendships. I have grown in my own person and feel I am the better for it.
It is hard to acknowledge that I am full of human frailty, like most others. What I choose to do with this knowledge leads me in repeated and new directions. It helps me to grow and change and I would like to think become more bendable, like trees blowing in the wind. It is OK to be frail because within that is strength, determination, growth and kindness. I don’t mind bending like the wind, as long as I come back up straight, sure and strong and enjoying life as it is, in this moment.
Journeys of Thankfulness 
Janet,
I wrote you a long email, but couldn’t remember my WP password, and when I reset it, I lost my comments.
The shortened version is the following:
Like you, I’ve had to re-make myself because of the loss of an intimate relationship.
I’m living in Idyllwild now, as John has become involved with a childless botanist. My 8th grandchild is on the way, and I could not provide him with the love and attention he needs. Also, I never learned the names of most of the flowers he showed me.
If you head back to California and want to spend time in the mountains, you’re
welcome here.
I have enjoyed and been inspired by your eloquent, authentic writing and courage.
Oh my I am so sorry to hear this. Once again those who I thought had it together are working on it too. I don’t know the names of may wild flowers either. I just think they are pretty. I will plan on Idylwild. I love it up there and it would be so good to spend with you. Wow! I have to digest to take a bit of time and digest this one.
Do you like living there. It is a lovely spot.
Janet >
So far, I have spent less time in Idyllwild than Los Angeles and San Diego. And my children have me pretty booked for the next couple of weeks. Grandmothers are very sought after when their grandchildren are young!
Once school starts, I hope be to spend longer stretches in the mountains. I think Idyllwild is a good fit for me. I live within easy walking distance of the Nature Center, and plan to volunteer there. There is an Indivisible Idyllwild group I also want to find out more about.
Transplants to Idyllwild obviously share a certain life perspective with each other, and I intend to meet those people.
It will be great to see you and hear about all your adventures!
Mary
I am so glad you responded back, Mary. I hope you know that Jim and I always thought fondly of you. I like you because you are radical independent woman. I settle for no less.
Of course your grandchildren book your time. It is your job to be the grandmother and wise person for these little growing people.
I will be in touch with you when I am back in town, although it sounds like you might be busy. If not the first round I will be back again later in the fall. And you know if you are ever so inclined, come and join me, wherever I am.
Love you Mary.
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