Life is an Adventure

Sometimes I try to get creative when I write a new post. After leaving it for a few days, I come back, review it and am amazed that it sounds awful and pretentious. I delete it and start over.

When I first started this blog, I sat in front of my computer and tried to think creatively and I was an utter failure. I could think of nothing to say. Then this little voice inside me said “write from your heart”. I have been doing this ever since.

I just deleted a post I started a few days ago. What makes me think I can write as an expert or an authority on anything? I am mucking through my existence like most others. Each day I can look at what I have accomplished or not accomplished and realize I am still trying to figure “it” out. Some days I feel like I am a bit closer to knowing and some days it feels like I am just starting out.

 

Life is an adventure. When I was single, back in my 20’s and 30’s, I explored and questioned and found amazing things. Many topics helped me stretch my boundaries and grow in ways I would have never imagined. I traveled to exotic and not so exotic places. I studied with teachers. Everything I did shaped me into who I am today.

So the real question becomes, who am I today? I know I am an accumulation of my life experiences, which seems like a pat answer, with no definition at all. Over the past few months I have had time to reflect on this question and, guess what?, I still have no answer.

I like to think of myself as an honest and kind person. Most of the time I am there, yet, not always. I keep learning from others. Linda who, along with her husband, loaned me their “cabin” in northern Idaho has been a good example for me. We have had some long and interesting talks. I realized that I would like to follow her example of taking a situation and looking at it from many perspectives. There is no black and white, not really, in this world we humans inhabit. I realize that I do not have the whole picture in any situation I walk into. It is good to step back and observe more, create less opinions or judgement too early. By doing this I have met and developed some very good and loving friendships. I have grown in my own person and feel I am the better for it.

It is hard to acknowledge that I am full of human frailty, like most others. What I choose to do with this knowledge leads me in repeated and new directions. It helps me to grow and change and I would like to think become more bendable, like trees blowing in the wind. It is OK to be frail because within that is strength, determination, growth and kindness. I don’t mind bending like the wind, as long as I come back up straight, sure and strong and enjoying life as it is, in this moment.

 

 

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o-ORIGIN-OF-OK-facebookEverything is OK!!!! I decided to make sure you all know this before I go further into this post.

Two weeks ago I had an appointment with my dental hygienist. I always tell her she better not find anything, when she does a thorough inspection of my mouth. This time, however, she found something on the back of my throat that was enough of a concern that she had the dentist come in and look at it.

I immediately felt a wave of disbelief and fear run through me. Jim died of complications from salivary gland cancer. Even though I would like to believe that would not affect me, well it does. The dentist suggested I watch it. Immediately I called my primary physician. After a visit with this doctor I had to make an appointment with the ENT (ears, nose and throat) doctor.

My appointment was for May 10th. Oh great, I began to have sleepless nights worrying about what this might be. With the help of my psychiatrist, (yes I am on an antidepressant), my appointment was moved up to this past Wednesday.

The ENT Dr told me that he was almost 100% sure that it was tonsil stones but he could not give me  a total thumbs up. I had them biopsy it, painful but doable. Yesterday, Saturday, he called to tell me that the biopsy was all clear. It was a regrowth of tonsil tissue. YAY!!!!!!!!! I am so relieved.

ENT chair

ENT chair

It is interesting to see my reactions to this whole and thankfully short episode in my life. I think I am doing much better with coping and dealing with the grief that surrounds Jim’s death. When I walked into the ENT office and saw the chair in the middle of the room it immediately reminded me of the many times Jim, my husband, sat in that chair. I burst into tears, looked at my friend Phyllis, and said “I don’t want to do this”. I did not expect this reaction from myself. I was surprised at my reaction and relieved that I had a good friend with me to give me a hug when I most needed it.

I hope that the crying effect of Jim’s death will lessen over time. I am always caught by surprise when it happens. Don’t get me wrong, I do not spend my days sobbing in my house, yet in the moments such as this one, when it happens, well it just catches me without warning and I am surprised. I know is part of grief but I really hope it continues to lessen over time.

People are kind. The nurse, patiently waited while I had my few second episode. Then she went on to brief me on the upcoming visit with the doctor. I appreciate that kind act of waiting, because that is what it is. I have experienced this many times since my diagnosis with breast cancer, to Jim’s cancer and then death. That few moments of waiting while I pull myself together is a blessing and a kindness and I appreciate it. Waiting feels like a kind hug or pat on the back and is filled with respect.

 

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Waiting

My last post also addressed the issue of waiting. It is a waiting of another sort. Waiting for my leg to heal, waiting to put the house on the market, waiting until I can figure out my life without Jim and waiting some more. I think this kind of waiting is also a kindness that I can give myself. It too can be a waiting filled with caring. Caring for myself, caring for my situation and being patient until I am fully back up to speed with life. Once I am fully recovered, which gets closer each day, I hope I will continue to carry this lesson in waiting forward with me.

Today I am thankful. Thankful for my health. Thankful for others that continue to love and support me. Thankful for good friends. Thankful for those professionals who support and help me along this path in my life’s journey. And…because it is Mother’s Day, thankful for all the mothers out there in the world who help their children to wait with grace and be thankful.

Today I am so very thankful for my state of health.