Have you ever found yourself in uncomfortable situations, only to discover that the reason you are uncomfortable is because of yourself? Well if you have and I bet there are many of you out there, join the crowd. I have been pondering this for the last few days.

Believe it or not, I am not always comfortable in large group situations. I tend to get quiet and withdraw and try to find a comfort zone. I know many of my friends and acquaintances may be surprised to hear this. Jim often said that one of the things he admired about me was how easy it was for me to meet people. He would tell me that I could know a whole room full of people in 10 minutes. I know I can be a very social person. I love going to gatherings. I enjoy meeting new people. When I meet new people I learn new things and I enjoy learning and growing.

Since Jim’s death I have found that I prefer small groups of people or just one person meetings. It has been hard to be among the masses. On Saturday night, at the Hells A’Roaring Ranch there was a large group of people. Many of the locals and near by locals came for an evening of eating, dancing and social interaction. Now I love to dance and I know if I had gone up to any of those wranglers I would have had a dance partner. Instead I tucked myself off on the side lines and got quiet. Now I know there is nothing wrong with this, however, I didn’t like being there. My question is, What is the solution? I am not sure.

It may not be helping that I am still trying to figure out this solo act business. I don’t feel married. I don’t feel single. I dislike the word widow (it makes me think of black and spiders.) I just feel like myself and sometimes I am not sure who that is.

   MARRIED?                                                    SINGLE?

WIDOWED?

Uncomfortable

Happy

Content                                                                                                           Awkward

JUST JANET  

It feels somewhat sad and awkward to be in my 60’s and trying to figure this out. I may just say the same thing in my 80’s. Life is growth and at least I am growing.

There are some things that do help me adjust to large groups of people. Here are some of my successful techniques.

• I try to find others with common interests. Mark was that person at the “ranch”. I met him and his wife and he chose to come and talk to me a few times. It was very helpful.
• Ask questions. This helps to draw others out and maybe I will be able to find that common ground.
• Take a little time and figure out who appears most approachable.
• Remind myself that it is OK to take a break. Go for a walk. Go outside and look at the stars. Then come back in again.
• Remember that it is OK to want to be quiet but a smile never hurts and will often make me feel better and more secure.
• Sometimes I just give myself a lecture (kind of like buck up, go have fun) and dive back in. Occasionally this works and other times it does not.
• It is important to acknowledge when I am just not having a good time and choose to leave. If it is the wrong situation or the wrong time then it is OK to leave.

Interacting with others, I believe, is the hardest thing that humans do on this earth. Everyone is trying to read everyone else and interpretations may go awry. Sometimes there are questions with no pat answer. This conversation may be one of them. If anyone has any ideas or thoughts on this I would be very interested in your response.

Still Growing.

Janet at the Kolob Plateau Overlook.

There are times where the hardest part of the journey happens before one leaves home. This time was definitely one of those. Why does that happen? I am not sure but I believe when I am preparing for a big change or a big trip or a big anything often there appears to be stumbling blocks put in my path as I prepare to leave. Maybe they are lessons. Maybe they are made up by me. Who knows?

Approximately a week before this trip I was cleaning the toilet in my RV. I got a little over obsessive about cleaning it and dropped a sponge down the black water tank. With many RV’s you could drain it out with the black water. With my RV everything goes through a macerator. I was concerned about the sponge breaking the macerator. The day it happened I became obsessed with this. By that evening I was worked into a fine state, thinking I had done something horrible. I ran an errand for a friend and began to laugh. I laughed so hard I had to pull the car off the road. It was such a release.

Nancy in the Desert

Enter Nancy, my civil engineer friend and one of my closest friends in town. When I told her I was going to have to leave the sponge in the tank she took over (she works with water systems). On Mother’s Day afternoon Nancy and I started to work on getting that sponge. With much laughter and quite a bit of splashing we opened the escape port. Nancy got the brunt of the water coming out. Try as we might, we could not get that sponge from above or below. Despite everything it was fun. Nancy said that doing things with me is always an adventure. I don’t know if that is a compliment or not. I choose to take it as one. I did finally get the sponge out at one of the local RV repair shops.

It is good to be reminded that it is OK to accept help from friends and others. The first year after Jim’s death I thought I had learned that lesson but here I am still trying to figure it out. I ask less often than I did that first year and I don’t think that is a good thing. My friends like doing for others just as I do. If I don’t give my friends the chance to help I deny them a gift. Without Jim here I need my friends and the help of strangers more than ever. I need to ask a bit more often and thank others more often, as well.

Next event. I was planning to leave San Diego County at 9 am Sunday morning. I was still so busy with everything that it wasn’t until 9:30 a.m. that I finally felt I was in a place to take a shower get dressed and ready to leave. I get in the shower and the shower head comes off in my hand. Oh great!!! Instead of leaving at 10 I had to remove the shower head from the front bath and put it in the back bath. I was not happy. I kept reminding myself that Henry, another friend had said to me the day before that I wasn’t on a schedule and I could leave whenever I wanted. I was still frustrated and bit anxious.

I have found that since Jim’s death I get stressed easily by the smallest out of the ordinary experiences in my every day life. I was not like this before he died, now I am. I hope that this is only a phase of grief and that it will stop at some point. I mean, it is normal to have little stressors happen in a day in the life. I just find it hard to deal with.

I want to thank my friends over the past couple of preparation weeks. When Jim was here and I would start to get obsessed about a work trip he would plan things to get me out of the house for an hour or two. My friends are doing that now, even if they don’t know it. Phyllis-going to breakfast with me. Henry and Barbara encouraging me to come to the beach for a walk and a smoothie.  JoAnn asking me to go on a hike. Therese-coming over for  a game of scrabble and bananagram. And Nancy…well she has gone above and beyond the call. Even though my friends did not know they were playing Jim’s role, this is how I see it. So thank you everyone for helping me get on the road and supporting me. I am honored.

I finally made it out of the house and arrived in Mesquite, NV last night.  Elsie is with me. She spends much of the day under the covers but in the evenings when we stop she comes out and looks out the windows and is her usual social self. I am glad she is here. I am glad I am here too.

Elsie checking out the scenery on the Kolob Plateau

Tonight I am in central Utah at Yuba State Park. My campsite is looking over a beautiful reservoir. There are very few people here and it is quiet and quite beautiful. Storms came through in the late afternoon. Now it is quiet and the storm clouds are moving to the east. I am looking forward to a good day tomorrow.

Yuba Reservoir

Peacefully settling in.

Hi, just a very brief note. It appears that the link to the article on the post “Who Knew???” was incorrect. I have corrected it and it appears to be working.

Here is the link again: Driving Through Grief