Further Travels of Elsie

img_7404Hi this is Miss Elsie checking in. I am one traveling kitty. I have seen more than most kitties see in a whole lifetime.

we arrived in San Diego and for almost three months I thought we were stable. First we moved in with Janet’s friend, Pat. She has a great house. I love the wood floors where I can “rip and tear” to my heart’s content. One day this little girl came in the house and she really wanted to play with me. She scared one of my nine lives out of me. I have learned to become very good at hiding. After that day every time I heard little kid voices I ran and hid. Like I said I am good at that.

Then Janet disappeared for two weeks. I don’t know where she went. She did come back. For those two weeks I stayed at Nancy’s house. I really liked it there. I have always liked Nancy. I don’t run and hide from her. She talks so nice to me. She had a really cool back yard. There was a corner of the living room that smelled like catnip. It was fun to roll there.

Janet came back and we returned to Pat’s house again. Another reason I liked Pat’s house is that the windows are so low that I could look outside and never have to climb on anything. I liked looking out the windows. At first I could go out back and out front, on my leash. Then one day Janet saw a coyote in the back yard and I didn’t go there any more. It didn’t really matter. The front was really fun. There was a wall I really liked sitting on.

I don’t tell time well, I am a cat and time isn’t that important. I eat, I sleep, I play and I get scratched. I am quite evolved. One day, all of sudden we moved back in to the little house on wheels. We have been traveling since.

People keep showing up and disappearing. One place we stayed for almost a week. There were two people and two tiny houses. Then two more people showed up. Their house on wheels was not so tiny. I heard they had two cats inside that house. I am not fond of other cats. The lady, Linda said that I was a designer kitty. Pft, I have always known this. I am a cat. Then a few days later another person shows up. Then Janet and I left, along with Mary. Where does everyone keep going? I am really not sure.

My favorite place, to this point was a place where it was only Janet and I camping. Well, Mary was there and then she left. I am not sure where everyone keeps going. They come and then they leave. This place was very quiet. We were the only ones there. I loved rolling in the dirt.

Burros

Burros

One morning Janet took me for a walk-she carried me. All of a sudden I saw these large animals and they made a really strange sound. They scared me a lot. I ran all the way back to our house. Boy was I thirsty and tired. I don’t recommend them. Janet said they were burros. They were really huge to this 6 pound kitty. If you ever see them, be careful.

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coyote

We have been exploring the desert. It is really weird place. Everything seems to have pokey things. I look out the window and talk to strange birds. I like all the windows in our little house. Some places I have been able to go out at night and some I can’t because of these animals called coyotes. They look like dogs, I am not fond of dogs. Janet says they would like me for dinner. That is kind of rude. I guess it is a good thing to stay away from them.

A few days ago I got another fun surprise. We visited with Raquel. It took me a few minutes but I remembered her. She stayed at our sticks and bricks house for a while. Janet disappeared and so did the little house on wheels. See what I mean, people keep disappearing and then reappearing. It would be quite confusing, if my needs weren’t met. My needs seem to be always met. I am a cat. Raquel took good care of me. I really like her. I was surprised to hear a familiar voice. People just keep showing up. Why was she out in the middle of the desert? I am not sure. These things are confusing to a little kitty.

Now we are in a place with trees. I can go out here. There are skunks-they smell bad. I have to be careful of them. There seem to be no coyotes here so I am able to venture outside after dark. I hope Janet is right about all this. I have to rely on her a bit.

Each day I get to roll. Then she wets a towel and wipes me off. I don’t know why I can’t keep the dirt on. It feels good. It is a direct challenge to get dirty again. Hee Hee.

Janet got me a really neat present. They are called sheepskin seat covers. I love sleeping on them. In fact I no longer sleep with Janet. Every night I head to the passenger seat for sleeping. Sometimes Janet kicks me off the seat because she wants to sit there. I should get priority. I am the cat. It’s OK though. I just move over to the driver’s seat. These are cushy, warm, wonderful things. I recommend them. I even sleep on them while she is driving, though I still go to the blankets for undisturbed naps.

Tomorrow we roll again. I am not sure where we roll to. Janet has told me that we are getting ready. More adventures to come. With all the current excitement (thunder and lightening) I am ready to retreat to the blankets. See you later.

Into the Desert

img_7051Last Wednesday, Miss Elsie the Cat, the Roadtrek and I left San Diego for points southeast. The desert was calling my name. The dentist gave me a reprieve and so we departed into the vast Sonoran Desert.

It is winter here. It is chilly at night, if not down right cold. It is wonderful hiking weather during the day and after the rains the desert is alive and the color green is showing up everywhere. The Octotillo are already blooming here at Organ Pipe Cactus National Monument.

Why the desert? The desert is the place I go to seek solitude, solace, to think and sort and grow. There is something about the wind and the animals and the vastness of the desert that is wonderfully healing for me. I slow down and really observe my surroundings.

Roadtreking Together

Roadtreking Together

I am not alone. I met up with Mary, a friend of mine. She has a Roadtrek too. We are exploring the desert together. We get along well. One of the nice things about having our own vehicles is that when we need time to ourselves we can retreat to our tiny home on wheels. I appreciate the fact that we both are respectful of our need for our own space.

I enjoy sharing my life with others. Mary asked me if I felt that things were getting easier for me, regarding Jim’s death. This is a very interesting question to ponder. I don’t always take the time to gauge where I have been, what I have achieved, and where I am going regarding Jim. Now the question has been asked I will take some time to bring this into my awareness.

Before I left my friend Nancy mentioned she was having a hard time remembering what I was like before Jim. And there it is. I will never return to who I was before Jim. Who I was before him, during our relationship and who I am now is a cumulative effect of all that has preceded this day, this moment in time.

Years ago Jim and I rafted the Grand Canyon. It was a life altering event. After the trip was over, we often would mention before Grand Canyon and after Grand Canyon. I notice there are times where I regard my life as “before Jim’s death and after Jim’s death”. How have the past four plus years affected who I am today? Well that could be a loaded question. I mean over six years ago I was entangled in the the whole breast cancer issue, that led right into Jim’s diagnosis and his death a year and a half later.

Most of the time I see those times as a hard exercise in growing. I had always heard of others who went through periods of trauma (all kinds-you pick it) and then life smoothed out again. I am hoping that my time of trauma is smoothing out. There are issues still to address but for the most part I would like the smoothing to start.

I miss Jim. It is not often that I feel that overwhelming raw grief that carried me through the first few years. I am thankful for that. I was reminded of it, once again, after the National election results this year, and although the grief was strong I knew to step beyond it quickly. Raw grief is not somewhere I want to stay. I find I like to carry him with me, in the stories I tell and the photos I look at. I guess I feel he is here and I can still advance forward in my life.

Janet, Hiking Alamo Canyon

Janet, Hiking Alamo Canyon

Most days I feel I am doing much better and am working towards sorting out my own life. Grief has no timeline. I am not even sure it ever truly goes away, it softens over time. I would like to consider the possibility that grief is softening for me. I am doing better at meeting people I don’t know well and enjoying their company. I have needed to re-teach myself how to reach out to others and know I will be accepted. Being alone most of the time is not good for me. I am enjoying the moments of meeting others and feeling valued as a person. One positive experience leads to the next.

While this all goes on within, I find I am enjoying each day, sometimes a little and sometimes much more. I am enjoying the desert. It was time to leave San Diego. I did not know that when I left and yet it only took one look at the Anza Borrego Desert, as I was coming down the mountain, that I knew I was where I needed to be.

Gila Woodpecker

Gila Woodpecker

Even in an organized campground, with people around the quietness of the desert is everywhere. I wake each morning to a Gila Woodpecker on the cactus next to my campsite. It is good to get up early to greet the dawn and enjoy the wildlife before they disappear in the warmer part of the day.

Elsie is slowly adapting to life on the road again. Thanks to the calming flower essences my friend Beth gave me, she is quietly and shyly coming out to explore. I appreciate my steady little companion on this journey of mine. At night she curls up on the bed with me. Like I said, a good companion.

I will be returning to San Diego, late in March-one more dental surgery to go. I know some of you have been waiting for an update. It is because of all of you out there in the world, known and unknown to me, that I can continue forward with the adventure of life.

Each day, I am getting ready to hike and explore this marvelous country.

Sorry No More, well maybe

 “Dear random women I meet every day: if we go through the same doorway at the same time you don’t need to apologize. If you happen to be going down stairs at the same time I’m going up, don’t be sorry. If you’re looking at something on a store shelf and I pause to look at the same shelf you don’t need to excuse yourself. The next time you’re about to make a valid point in a discussion, don’t start by saying “I’m sorry but.” You deserve to be here. You deserve the air you breathe and the light you absorb. You deserve the space you take up. You deserve to have an opinion without it being diminished by an apology. What is the message when our daughters, sisters, students and any young women see us apologizing for simply being here? For thinking? For taking up space? What are we signaling to men, to anyone, about our sense of our own value and worthiness? Is being sorry the way you want people to see you? How can we possibly fight for gender equity for ourselves and others when we behave as if we don’t belong? Try this for a week: stop apologizing. Apologize ONLY if you have truly caused harm. Then do it for another week. Then keep going. ”                     Patricia James  

 

I am the queen of sorry. Ever since I was small I apologized. I always felt that most things were my fault, even things that did not pertain to me. As I have grown into adulthood, this has continued. I apologize for everything, the weather, the day, not being fast enough, not being slow enough, being in the way, not being in the way. You get the idea. When Jim, my husband entered my life he started to subtly and not so subtly work with me to change this habit. It is hard and yet, with his help I find I have, over the years, apologized less. I can at least recognize my moments of broad and random apologizing.

imagesI am not the only one who has this issue. Many women also work through this frustrating habit. I believe that society teaches women this behavior, as we grow up. If I speak to other women and I once again apologize and then say “I am sorry for saying sorry”, nine times out of ten they get it.

I belong to the Pantsuit Nation Facebook page. Recently the above quote was written on this page.  I had already been thinking of posting about this topic. When I saw Patricia’s quote it struck a very deep and personal chord. Another woman I follow on Facebook posted the below quote from feministvoice on Instagram.

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OK I get it. When the moment is right the messages come. It is time for me to stop apologizing for the world. I don’t often pay attention to New Years resolutions. This coming year I plan to stop saying “I’m sorry”. It is not something that is going to change overnight. Creating positive change takes time and patience.

The first step is awareness. Since Jim’s death (four years ago), I have recognized more and more, my moments of apologizing. I have no one who can lovingly and gently guide me. Now I have to step up and become my own muse.

Hopefully my friends can lovingly support me through this change. If I say I am sorry, I really don’t want anyone to correct me. Maybe a “go Janet” would be better.

I really like the idea of changing the “I’m sorry” to something positive. The title of this blog is Journeys of Thankfulness. As a noun gratitude is the state of being thankful and grateful. As a adjective thankful is showing appreciation or gratitude. I am right on track and ready for this personal challenge. It is long overdue.

Today I am thankful for strong women who, through their voice, assist me in change. Today I am thankful for all who read this post and their quiet or verbal support. Today I am thankful for only apologizing when it is the correct situation. Today I am grateful.

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Bring it on 2017

My Inner Child, The Dentist & Jim

images-1I have been in San Diego for a little over a month. All scans, x-rays, and doctors appointments have been completed and the news is good. Well, almost all of the appointments have been completed. The only outstanding appointments at this time is the dentist. Yep, I arrived in San Diego with pain in my jaw (which of course I was sure was head & neck cancer). Day one was an appointment with my dentist, day two was an appointment with the periodontist, and day three was surgery to remove one of my back teeth and have a bone graft completed. Since then I have been through another gum surgery. I have one more to complete after I return from Christmas.

Have I told you that I really, really dread going to the dentist? All these dentists are very nice people but I have had very few good experiences with the dentist. It started when I was in fifth grade and continues to this day. Just in case you are not aware yet, dentists make me very uncomfortable.

No matter how hard I try to be adult and rational about all this, my little girl pops to the foreground and once again I am a mass of little girl feelings. I try to be an adult but often when I get to the dentist office and the news is not the best, I have found myself crying in the dental chair. I know I am not alone in these feelings. All I have to do is bring up the subject of the dentist and the person I am speaking with shares their own feelings of fear and dental dread.

13285233_143979346015699_1388150816_nAll of us have an inner child. I have read books about this. I have gone to workshops about this. I have, through meditation had conversations with my inner child. I think I acknowledge her existence but then, well, just mention the dentist and here she is again, taking over my present day existence.

It is bad enough I become a small girl at the mention of the dentist. This time, when I arrived for my first appointment with the periodontist, I discovered the office was in the same medical building that I took Jim to, three times a week for the last four months of his life. He received IV nutritional therapy to help him better tolerate his chemotherapy. People with head and neck cancer often receive feeding tubes because they cannot tolerate eating. This therapy also helped him live without the feeding tube.

Not only did I have to deal with all my dental fears, I also had to confront some issues around grief. Boy does that subject continue to pop up at interesting times. Once again I sat down in the dental chair, the tech came in and I started crying. Was this fear, was this grief, was this everything all mixed together? I will never know completely. It was hard to walk to elevator and return, once again to this building.

As I review these last several weeks and my visit to this dentist and building, in some ways I find this has been a bit healing for me. I have had time to reflect the moments Jim and I shared in our visits to the doctor who treated him. Jim and I always functioned well as a team. We shared everything. Some of those visits were fraught with anxiousness but we always were very good at supporting each other through our lives together. Sometimes he would sleep and I would go for a walk. Other times we sat and read. Yet other times we shared our thoughts and feelings with each other. It has made me miss him more. It has made me recognize how important those moments were in our relationship. It has made me realize how important all moments are in my relationship to all others.

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It is OK to acknowledge and accept my inner child. That little girl gives me the opportunity to laugh and play and look at the world with excitement and wonder. It is a little harder to acknowledge her when I am sobbing in the dental chair. I guess that is the time to acknowledge her most of all. At times like this I need to tell all of my selves “it’s OK”. If I need to cry, then cry. Usually after my sob session is over I can handle my time at the dentist better and I feel more adult.

Later this morning all of me is off to the dentist for a follow-up.

My Inner Child, The Dentist & Jim

images-1I have been in San Diego for a little over a month. All scans, x-rays, and doctors appointments have been completed and the news is good. Well, almost all of the appointments have been completed. The only outstanding appointments at this time is the dentist. Yep, I arrived in San Diego with pain in my jaw (which of course I was sure was head & neck cancer). Day one was an appointment with my dentist, day two was an appointment with the periodontist, and day three was surgery to remove one of my back teeth and have a bone graft completed. Since then I have been through another gum surgery. I have one more to complete after I return from Christmas.

Have I told you that I really, really dread going to the dentist? All these dentists are very nice people but I have had very few good experiences with the dentist. It started when I was in fifth grade and continues to this day. Just in case you are not aware yet, dentists make me very uncomfortable.

No matter how hard I try to be adult and rational about all this, my little girl pops to the foreground and once again I am a mass of little girl feelings. I try to be an adult but often when I get to the dentist office and the news is not the best, I have found myself crying in the dental chair. I know I am not alone in these feelings. All I have to do is bring up the subject of the dentist and the person I am speaking with shares their own feelings of fear and dental dread.

13285233_143979346015699_1388150816_nAll of us have an inner child. I have read books about this. I have gone to workshops about this. I have, through meditation had conversations with my inner child. I think I acknowledge her existence but then, well, just mention the dentist and here she is again, taking over my present day existence.

It is bad enough I become a small girl at the mention of the dentist. This time, when I arrived for my first appointment with the periodontist, I discovered the office was in the same medical building that I took Jim to, three times a week for the last four months of his life. He received IV nutritional therapy to help him better tolerate his chemotherapy. People with head and neck cancer often receive feeding tubes because they cannot tolerate eating. This therapy also helped him live without the feeding tube.

Not only did I have to deal with all my dental fears, I also had to confront some issues around grief. Boy does that subject continue to pop up at interesting times. Once again I sat down in the dental chair, the tech came in and I started crying. Was this fear, was this grief, was this everything all mixed together? I will never know completely. It was hard to walk to elevator and return, once again to this building.

As I review these last several weeks and my visit to this dentist and building, in some ways I find this has been a bit healing for me. I have had time to reflect the moments Jim and I shared in our visits to the doctor who treated him. Jim and I always functioned well as a team. We shared everything. Some of those visits were fraught with anxiousness but we always were very good at supporting each other through our lives together. Sometimes he would sleep and I would go for a walk. Other times we sat and read. Yet other times we shared our thoughts and feelings with each other. It has made me miss him more. It has made me recognize how important those moments were in our relationship. It has made me realize how important all moments are in my relationship to all others.

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It is OK to acknowledge and accept my inner child. That little girl gives me the opportunity to laugh and play and look at the world with excitement and wonder. It is a little harder to acknowledge her when I am sobbing in the dental chair. I guess that is the time to acknowledge her most of all. At times like this I need to tell all of my selves “it’s OK”. If I need to cry, then cry. Usually after my sob session is over I can handle my time at the dentist better and I feel more adult.

Later this morning all of me is off to the dentist for a follow-up.

The End of the Bicycling Journey

Cat and the pups

Cat and the pups

The day prior to the election, Cat completed her bike tour of the west coast. She and her pups completed the Pacific Coast Bike Route. Although there were several issues with her bike along the way, mostly the tour was without incident, and on a sunny and warm southern California day she arrived at the Mexico border and went on to Rosarito for a couple of days of R&R on the beach.

She cut her trip short. She felt a strong need to head to northern California after the election results. Cat is now at a friend’s house in Yreka, before she starts her new adventure.

I made it back to San Diego in time for Halloween. After a successful post on Facebook, where I had six unique and different offers of places to stay, Elsie & I are in temporary residence with a good friend, Pat. I feel blessed to have remet her last winter. She has welcomed both of us with open arms. Thank you, Pat.

I did not realize I needed some recovery time after almost three months of pretty constant travel. I was road weary and a bit emotionally done.

Cat’s and my goal was realized. We both wanted to get her safely to the border of southern CA. It was very successful. She rode the last distance from Cambria to San Diego, almost totally unsupported. I was there if there was an emergency, otherwise she was on her own. I tracked her on my Find Friends app. We did text quite a few times to help her negotiate LA. When she arrived in San Diego we met up and spent a few pleasant hours together at the KOA in Chula Vista putting some finality to the trip. My last siting of her was from the San Diego airport car rental building as she and her two pups headed  north in a rented SUV.

Would I do this type of trip again? I am not so sure. Am I glad that I did this trip with Cat? Yes. Were there issues along the way? Yes. It wasn’t always easy. We arranged how we did this journey with each other about 4 times. There is a lot that goes into traveling with someone, being the sag wagon, dealing with each other, two dogs and one cat. One of her friends told her that she had given us about 2-3 weeks. We proved her wrong.

Here is what was successful and good about this trip.

  • The scenery I drove through and explored was amazing.
  • Waking to the sound of waves or looking up into the redwoods was such a peaceful and calm experience.
  • Cat and I got to explore our relationship. I know that since this trip I can define a little bit more about who I am in this universe.
  • I visited with my friend Kat, in Corvallis. After 13 years of little communication, it was such a joyful and good reunion.
  • img_0012Elsie the cat continues to surprise me with her adaptability.
  • Traveling 40-50 miles a day gave me such a wonderful chance to explore areas, either hiking or biking. I did not have to move every day because of the short miles.
  • I met or saw so many people on this trip who were kind and good. I also stayed with several. It firmed up some new friends and reaffirmed some of my long standing friendships.
  • When I sent out a plea to hear from friends, I received wonderful e-mails and phone calls. It definitely made me feel a bit less lonely out on-the-road.
  • Being rescued by Mary, a good friend, when I had an “incident” with my RT.
  • Being happy with my pics.

Here is what Could have been more successful on this trip. This is definitely from my perspective.

  • Cat had to continually stop at bike shops on this trip. Although it gave me time to explore, it was a often a delay. I could feel Cat’s frustration.
  • Traveling with someone else so closely for so long was, at times, stressful. I don’t think we always communicated clearly with each other. Clear and frank communication is so important. I still need to work on this. I believe this will be an ongoing issue through out the rest of my life.
  • Later on in this trip I found myself frustrated by the lack of acknowledgement for my role in this trip. I know, I know, I should not need this, it should be about the journey. I discovered this was part of the journey for me. I hope, some day, I won’t need this recognition, but for right now, well, I am human. It would have been nice to have Cat tell other bikers my true role on this trip. Sigh.
  • I have discovered that it is hard to have dirt in my RT. I was continually cleaning and I am not so fond of cleaning. I am proud of my little home on wheels.
  • My accident in Crescent City. On the good side is I got to spend a week with Mary in Medford, Oregon.
  • A computer screen that needed to wait until I got to San Diego to fix.
Ruby Beach

Ruby Beach

Any trip I do has the good and the not so good parts in it. Sometimes the not so good parts become the story one tells of a trip. There were special moments on this trip that I will remember for a long time to come. My morning on Ruby Beach, WA is one I can think of immediately. A beautiful beach, low tide, star fish, anemones, starting in fog and ending with a blue sky and brilliant sun.

I am in San Diego until after the New Year. It is good to be reconnecting with long time friends. I even had some work, which gave me time to see all my fellow tour guides, and friends.

Now that I have had a few weeks here it is time to figure out where Elsie, the RT and I are heading when we get ready to head out again. As long as it is warmish and without snow I am good.

Any Suggestions????

Grief

I hesitated,briefly about scripting this post. It is two days post election and there are the jubilant winners and there are the grief stricken losers. Yesterday as I worked my way around the county doing errands there was a strange and different energy out there. It almost felt like a waiting. Waiting for the grief and anger and all other emotions to pause so that daily life can pick up again.

This was a bitter and hard campaign for both sides. There was a lot of anger and frustration around this election that I don’t believe I have seen before. Were either candidates one hundred percent qualified to lead? No. Were either candidates without a past? No. To me it reflected a bit like the United States Civil War. Families were divided and still are. Friends were divided and still are. Country vs city. White collar worker vs blue collar worker.

I have pondered so much and wonder how did our country ever come to this moment? I don’t know. We can blame politics as usual, wealthy vs poor, employed vs unemployed. People talk about feeling disenfranchised. The disenfranchised have won this election. The people who supported anyone else, are, I believe, feeling a bit disenfranchised at this moment.

Here is what I believe happened when the election results came in. All the anger, hatred and hostility from both sides, spiritually was in a big balloon, and the size of it kept getting bigger and bigger. When the election results came in, it burst and the pall that lay over San Diego, our country and the world yesterday were all those hard emotions that have now spread through all people. Grief, sadness, anger frustration, hostility and the unknown spread throughout the world.

Now we have to pick up the pieces. We as humans are very good at picking up the pieces. For those of you who think others should just get over it, I ask you to be kind. Recognize that your friends and family members need a few days to grieve. Give them that space. Let them grieve and gently put your arms around them and understand that all those people need some time and love. Then, as always, the human spirit will prevail and life will become a bit more whole again.

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For those of us who feel grief, I say grieve and be kind. Be kind to those who believe differently than you. Love them for who they are. Once the strength of grief is past, pull yourself together and take a correct type of action. Get involved. Join groups, peacefully protest become a part of the process. I know that these two candidates have a lot of money. They both started somewhere though. I know Trump came from a wealthy family but Hillary did not. Many of our politicians did not come from money. They did get involved and brought themselves up through years in the political process. Where do you want to start? Where do I want to start?

Grief is a hard place to be in. I know this as Jim, my husband and best friend, died four years ago. Those of you who are grieving, do it. Don’t stay there, though. Grief is a hard place to remain in. The world goes by and you are not a part of it. You cannot work for change you can’t really do anything but grieve. Acknowledge your grief and then slowly when you are ready pick up the pieces and take positive action. Be involved with your life and the planet.

I know there are protests going on around the United States. It is all that frustration, anger and more that was once in that balloon. It is so strange to think that everyone is feeling disenfranchised. It is a hard moment in time. I truly believe we are all here to assist in transitions, personal, country and world wide. The question I am not quite ready to ask myself is, what is my purpose at this time? I need a few more days and then I will also pick myself up and figure out how I might want to take action.

For all those who are angry I would like to encourage you to direct your anger toward positive change. Let anger become your ally. If you can, don’t let anger create a negative environment to thrive in.

Mostly I ask all of you who might read this to support all those around you, People of Color, Muslims, the LGBT community and all those who are fearful of what January may bring. I always believed we are a country that supports everyone. I know many of you, at this time, do not feel this. Then we just need to work harder to remember this and support those around you. America is one of the most diverse countries in the world and it is about time we supported everyone’s diversity. So I implore you to do just that support diversity and be kind and compassionate to those who are struggling.

I understand that there is way more involved here than what I have written. Today these are my thoughts.

BE KIND

Another Year

Jim

Jim

Year number four. Today would have been Jim’s 64th birthday. Four years ago he was in the hospital for the last time. I keep thinking that this time of the year will get easier. Each year a new challenge presents itself at this time of the year. This year it is a really big one. What do I do when this trip down the coast is over? Right now I do not know.

I like to take this time of the year to reflect on Jim and what he meant in my life and what he means in my life now. I try not to get maudlin and as each year passes, it gets a bit easier to reflect with love and humor and gratitude for being in such a complete relationship.

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Jim sharing Big Red with K-2 Kitty

I am not sure if he would have enjoyed what I am doing now. He was a home body. He liked going away and exploring. He also loved coming home. Home meant a lot to him. He liked to fix things and make things and sit in his big red chair and read. I am not sure how he would feel about being on the road full time. I am not always sure how I feel about this new lifestyle either.

After Jim died I set up a scholarship in his name at Grossmont College. He was an administrator and counselor at the college for close to twenty five years. He loved working in a college. He enjoyed the staff and the students. Being involved with the college was an important part of his life. Sometimes he was frustrated but over all he really enjoyed his work. He liked to see students achieve and move on in life.

Jim at Work

Jim at Work

Since this scholarship was started I have been invited to the breakfasts they have for the students who have won the scholarship for the current semester. At first I thought that these events would be boring. I have found them to be just the opposite. These students who win the scholarships are the hope of our future. They are focused and determined and want to achieve. Each semester the applicants need to write an essay on why they are applying for this scholarship.

The Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship is split. One semester it is awarded to a student in the Fine Arts. Jim was a dancer, Hip Hop, Ballet, Tap, Scottish Country Dancing and more. While he was going through his masters program he was involved with several theater groups. I have some wonderful photos of this time in his life.

The second semester it is given to a student in the Social Sciences. Jim spent most of his work career supporting students. As a counselor and the Dean of Counseling he supported his staff of counselors to find some unique ways to help students achieve their dreams. He was proud of his staff and his students. I was proud of him. It was so good to live with someone who had passion.

If you click the link below it will take you to the essay of the student who was awarded the scholarship this fall.

The Essay

With the anniversary of Jim’s passing I like to remind all of you my faithful and not so faithful readers that I am still attempting to make this scholarship a perpetual one. To do this I need to raise $25,000. I have raised over $9000 yet I still have a ways to go. If you would like to donate to help me achieve this goal I will deeply appreciate it. No amount is too small.

There are two ways to donate. You can write a personal check made out to FGGC. and mail it to the address below. It is a tax deductible donation. The information is below.

The Foundation for Grossmont and Cuyamaca Colleges
8800 Grossmont College Drive
El Cajon, CA 92020-1799

Tax Deductible Contributions per section 501 (c) (3) of the IRS Code; EIN 45-2692818

The other way to donate is to click on the Go Fund Me picture on the left side of my Blog. It will take you to the Go Fund Me Site I set up for this scholarship. You can also click here and it will take you to the Go Fund Me site as well.

This is a gentle plea. I am not always comfortable asking for donations, yet I know that some of you would like to help and it is the end of the year. Please know that I accept each of the donations with deep and heartfelt gratitude.

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Now I venture off into year four. I am still trying to figure it out, whatever it is. I am so grateful for having twenty one years with this lovely man. I miss his still and yet I find I can smile more now when I remember him. The tears are less often. Maybe it is true that grief softens over time.

Ask me tomorrow.

 

Friendship

unknownThis month, October is always a marker month for me. First, it was when I was born. The real marker for me, however, is this is the month that Jim, best friend and husband for twenty one years died from cancer.

As I approach the date of his last admission to the hospital and then his death, I think it will get easier as time passes, yet, each year as this month rolls around, I find myself once again thinking of Jim and the events that came to pass. I know it has changed my life, yet I am not always certain how. There are the basic real life changes.

  • I am single, widowed, or something in that range.
  • I have to figure out how to do everything on my own or at least contact the right people to help.
  • I sold my house in July and currently, am full timing it in my Roadtrek.
  • I don’t have someone to talk to whenever I want. It has made me reach out to my friends more yet I miss the easy companionship we had.
  • Learning to cook and eat for one has been an interesting challenge for me. It is not as much fun for me to create a meal for one.

There are many other challenges that could be included here. I think you get the gist of it.

I have been thinking about Jim’s and my friends as this month has rolled in. I am so thankful to so many of them. Without their help and kind, loving support my walk through grief would be very different.

I have been thinking a lot of a good friend of Jim’s, Doug. For the entire time I have known Jim, Doug was a presence in our lives. I heard many Doug and Jim stories from Jim over the years. When we got married Doug and his former wife paid for our honeymoon to San Francisco. We had wonderful personalized tour of San Francisco with Doug and Lisa. They met us at the San Fransisco airport with a car rental and off we went into the city for four days. It was a delightful time.

At our important events Doug was there. The event I remember the most was around Jim’s death. Four days before he died, the phone rang in the hospital room and it was Doug. I thought he was still in the Los Angeles area. He asked if we wanted company and we both said, of course. Then he announced he was in the hospital lobby and up he came.

Doug spent the final four days of Jim’s life with me and him. There was nothing that was too little that he wouldn’t do for Jim. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for me. Doug was a firm presence for me to hold onto as we progressed through those four days. When I wasn’t there, Doug was. He and Jim talked and laughed and remembered times. They also caught up one more time on each other’s lives. When Jim died, Doug was there in the room as a witness to this important event as well. There could not have been a better friend and I want to honor that in this posting.

He remained in San Diego for a few days to make sure that I had my feet underneath me. When he drove back to LA and his life it was with the final words, “if you need anything, just call”.

After Jim died the Doug and Jim stories continue. I received an e-mail from Doug about a year or so ago, sharing with me the phone call Jim and Doug had the day that Space Shuttle blew up. It was a very intimate moment between two good friends. I have no doubt that this deepened and secured their friendship. I was going to share the e-mail with you, here but I cannot find it. Of course.

This is what friendship is about. We can laugh and share the good times, yet it is the sharing of the intimate and in your face painful times that marks those special and meaningful friendships in ones life. It is not often you find that friend who you can laugh, cry and share with over many years. Some may never find the depth of friendship that was shared by Jim and Doug.

Jim was fortunate, very fortunate  to have such a friend as Doug. Doug, I think would reciprocate that thought and feeling.

I have never needed to call but I do stay in touch by e-mail and Facebook. Doug travels the world with Nancy, his partner of many years. He leads a full and diverse life. I am glad that I continue to be a part of it even on the periphery.

Today I am thankful for the presence of Doug in Jim’s life and in mine. I benefit from their friendship. It helps keep Jim alive to me and reminds me, once again, how special our relationship was.

Today I am grateful for Doug. Doug-Thank you.

 

Changing the Situation

imagesSometimes travel is easy. At those times I sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. There are moments in travel that are hard, things don’t go right and the trip becomes a struggle. I believe the term is “Roadblock”.

Riding down the coast with Cat has had moments of each. The ride itself has been comfortable and the sights have been rewarding and awe inspiring. Cat’s days are long and often she is tired when arriving at camp. It is hard for her to want to interact and be social. Sometime I have been lonely on this trip and I long for the socialization at the end of the day. These two separate daily events have made it hard for both of us.

About 2 weeks ago we decided that staying together each day might not be the healthiest thing for us. A friend of mine reminded me, it is important to remember that this is a situation that Cat and I have chosen to take on. We can change the situation anytime we want. We decided to try a different approach to our current situation. After a few different experiments on how we could make things work smoother, Cat is now riding unassisted. That means she is carrying her tent, sleeping bag and all her gear with her on her bike. I am there if she needs me and I am somewhat paralleling her ride down the coast. We touch base by text every few days to make sure this is working for her and myself. So far, it is working well. As Cat has gotten stronger and increased her mileage, she has become more independent. It feels, to me, like a natural progression.

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Paralleling each other has given me the time to explore more at my leisure. I can pick my campsites and stay a few days or more. This has allowed me to relax more and not feel like I always need to be on top of where we stay the next night. It has given Miss Elsie the Cat a few dog free nights in a row. I think that is a good thing for her.

Friendships are fragile. They need to be taken care of on a daily basis or even more frequently. The hardest thing to do sometimes is to communicate with others. I have found on this trip that often when things have gotten stressful between the two of us, it is a result of miscommunication. Our friendship is new, we have not known each other long. It takes practice and time with other human beings to learn how to communicate well. We are a work in progress.

I travel alone, now that Jim has died. He and I traveled together, frequently. We had our moments of miscommunication. It wasn’t always stress free. Most of the time, though, we did communicate well. It was usually smooth and easy and supportive. The longer we were together the easier and smoother it became.

Now that I am alone again I have to learn how to communicate with others again. It is not an easy process. We as humans are fragile and can be broken pretty easily, at times. We are also resilient and can pick up the pieces and move on again. This combination of fragility and resilience is what makes friendships worth the effort. This is why Cat and I keep adjusting our situation as we move down the 101. We are not ready to give up on the trip or our friendship.

Sometimes it is worth the effort one puts into a situation. This whole adventure with Cat continues to allow me to grow and define who I am as a human being on this planet. It is giving me the opportunity to find my strength to learn how to communicate freely and openly with another human being and hold my ground. And, if this situation doesn’t work then it is OK to change it again.

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