Too much to think about. Too many things to do. I have decided to delay my departure  until bright and early Monday morning. Why, you might ask? My neighbor and friend, Raquel and I spent until 1 pm this afternoon creating a screen door for my slider door on my Roadtrek. I am pleased with the results and now I need to test it with Elsie on board to see if it really is cat proof. Raquel and I are new friends and we worked hard and had a great time. When we were done we celebrated with iced tea and chocolate. The rest of today and tomorrow it is time to clean and pack. And, you know what is great about this adventure? I have no times schedule. When I am ready I will go.

I am nervous about this trip. I have traveled a lot and I have loved all of it. I have never traveled in an RV and not for 3 months. So I am a bit apprehensive. I have decided to take the advice of  one of the people on the Roadtrek Facebook page. I will figure it out as I go and enjoy the process. I think that much of this nervousness will go away once I am under way. Put me behind the wheel of a car and I just love to drive. It also helps to know I am going toward something. I am not sure what it is but it is something.

I have been caught up unexpectedly in strong memories of Jim over the past few days. Grief is an interesting process. These moments just show up, out of the blue and can be quite powerful. I remind myself to follow a process that continues to work well for me. Lesson one  is to breath. Lesson two is to call someone and talk about it. Lesson three is to remind myself that this too shall pass, so ride it out and be patient. This time the call to my mother-in-law did the trick. I love Dotty, she is great. Talking with her helped me find balance and once again I could move forward.

I am preparing to travel and visit friends all over the country. I have been thinking of my Southern California friends. They have supported me so much in the past several years. I would like to share some of these people and moments intermittently with all who are along on my journey. Barbara and her husband, Henry, have been friends with Jim and I for many years. The friendship has been tighter and stronger between Jim and these 2, as they ran together every Saturday morning since 1996. They shared a bond that I did not. October 16, 2012 was my 60th birthday. Jim and I both marked our 60th milestone in the hospital. At one point we looked at each other and said “worst birthdays ever”. Jim died the day after my birthday. As you can imagine we were otherwise occupied and these dates were going to slip on by. Early in the afternoon on the 16th, Barbara arrives at the hospital with a wonderful chocolate cake from a local dessert bakery, Extraordinary Desserts. This wonderful woman and friend took time to remember my  birthday. It was and still is a very heart warming moment for me. The cake was lovely; the gesture was touching. Each time I remember this moment I want to call and thank her again, for her love and caring and ongoing friendship and for the fact that she remembered my birthday. Thank you Barbara and I am so glad our friendship is growing and blossoming.

My adventure continues tomorrow. Cleaning the house and getting it ready for Raquel who is going to stay and love my garden and house for the summer. Through all the emotions, getting ready and putting it all together so I can depart on Monday, everything has been falling into place. Magic does happen.

Hiking Iron Mt

It is hard to get ready to leave home. When I was younger I would leave home and travel and find new places without hesitation. Today I am feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to do, to get myself on-the-road. Sometimes I think that I create projects to make it difficult. This is something to ponder on.  I think it will be a relief to actually get in my Roadtrek and drive.

Years ago when I lived in Minnesota I was preparing to go to a weekend workshop that was focused on Native  American practices. I was nervous about this. We were going into ceremony and spending all night awake and drumming and communicating with spirit.  I knew no-one there. When I left Minneapolis for the drive northwest I found that I couldn’t find my way out of town. I kept getting turned around on the freeways, even though I had lived there for a length of time. At that point I was getting frustrated and angry. I finally stopped at a gas station and asked myself what was going on?  When I could acknowledge that I was afraid and not sure about going to this event, well wouldn’t you know I found my way right to the camp. Sometime the hardest part of any experience is starting out. Here I am again preparing for departure and driving into the unknown and feeling all kinds of emotions. This time I will find my way out of town.

Today I taught myself how to use the electric drill to place some added snaps into the RV frame. Jim would have been the one to figure out these projects. Now I need to figure them out. Off I went to Lowes and talked to a person of knowledge and found the  right equipment and and I came back and was able to accomplish this feat without difficulty. Observing Jim over the years has taught me is to look at a project first. Think about all possibilities. Create a plan, figure out how to implement it and then follow the plan. Do it safely and take your time. Well darn I did all that and it worked. I am now ready to figure out a screen door for the slider door. When I pick up the drill or use the table saw or use anything else in the garage realm I feel really accomplished. The other thing Jim has taught me is that it is OK to wander around Home Depot or Lowes with a glazed look in my eyes. I used to tease him about this.  My God he loved going to these stores. Now I too am walking around with that glazed look.

This summer I am going on a journey, literally, in my RV. I am traveling for an undefined amount of time. I am on a journey of thankfulness and healing and gratitude. This is something I feel very compelled to do.

The last 3 plus years of my life have been quite a struggle on many levels. I don’t want to harp on what has been but for readers of this blog it might help to know a brief history of what has happened to move me into this journey.

A little over 3 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The words I would never like to hear again are “rare”, “we don’t know much about this kind of cancer”. “chemo” and “radiation”. I quickly became my own advocate for my health care and with much support from my husband, Jim, and many good doctors, I skipped the chemo and went to radiation. After finishing with all of this I thought I was good to go. At my 6 month check-up they thought they saw more cancer in the same breast so back into the medical system I went. More biopsies, and another lumpectomy did the trick and as of right now I am cancer free. Yes!!!

Just as I got the all clear, my husband, Jim, was diagnosed with cancer of the salivary gland. Again all the above words were repeated. Now before any of you think he was a smoker, he was not, nor did he chew tobacco. He had surgery done followed by a summer of radiation and chemo. It was a long summer. We thought we had beat it. Nine months later the cancer metastasized and in October of 2012, Jim died.

I have lost my best friend of 21 years.  I have lost my partner and my love and nothing I do can bring him back. So what do I do next? Where do I live? Who helps me (no children)? How do I arrange my life as a single person once again? What I have chosen to do is to try to move as positively as I can towards a very unknown future.

Both Jim and I have had amazing support over the past years of cancer…and more. Much of this support came from  people I know and some are total strangers that I have come to know through the social media. I am taking my Roadtrek and my cat and I am going on the road this summer to thank each person that has loved and supported us through these turbulent years. It feels so important for me to meet each person and let them know how much their caring has meant and continues to mean to me. Without all of these people I would have been very alone. Instead I have felt so loved and so supported.

The journey begins right after July 4th and with many good wishes from my local friends, I go on-the-road. I plan to share the journey along the way. Maybe I will have some insights that will benefit myself and others or maybe this will just be a good story. For me this will certainly be a grand adventure in growth and caring.

Jim’s and my relationship was very special and I hope to share some of that with you as well. Right now I am preparing for departure and am excited, apprehensive, joyful and scared all at the same time. The first step sometimes feels more like a leap of faith and I must remember to breath as I step forward into my Journey of Thankfulness.

Won’t you please join me in my adventure? All are welcome.