Roadtreking & Grief

“Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed.”

“Grief is a natural response to loss. It is the emotional suffering one feels when something or someone the individual loves is taken away. The grief associated with death is familiar to most people, but individuals grieve in connection with a variety of losses throughout their lives, such as unemployment, ill health or the end of a relationship.”

There has been an on-going story out of Kitchener, Ontario over the past several weeks. To make a long story very short, Roadtrek, the company who manufactured my RV, due to some issues that have yet to be revealed, is closed. This fine vehicle no longer has a mother ship to return to. And…I am feeling sad.

This company always welcomed me to it’s factory. I was welcomed as if I were family. When I had an issue I could chat with them on line or call them. Names such as Leo, Deron, Sean and others were my go to guys with all things Roadtrek. Now these people and nine hundred others have lost their jobs and are trying to figure out what to do with the rest of their lives. For some this was the only job they had ever known. It is a hard reality they have to face.

It is a hard reality I have to face, too. I no longer have a mothership to go to. Who do I turn to when no one else is able to solve my issue? Although I do have other resources out there, currently I feel like I am at a loss.

I started this post with two quotes from Wikipedia. I know grief, personally. My husband, Jim died over six years ago. Whew talk about grief. Many things are now better in my life yet this issue of loss still raises it’s tentacles and wraps around many parts of my life. Often I don’t see it coming until it is present and I have to cope and understand these issues all over again. 

I am grieving for the loss of this company. I have lost friends, I have lost the Company. I feel sad and a bit melancholy. And yes I am grieving. Thankfully this is not the strong unrepentant grieving of Jim’s death, but make no mistake about it I am certainly grieving. 

Like many of us who own these wonderful machines we are trying to figure out what is next. I am thankful I am no longer in warranty. I have resources. I know there are people out there who can help. I don’t have the easy fix of calling the factory. I am going to have to learn even more about how to take care of my home. 

I also understand that it is important to give myself this time to grieve. It is OK to feel sad or angry or melancholy or whatever other emotion I feel over this loss. 

And then….I will get in my Roadtrek, EmmyLou and go off on another adventure.

IMG_3060Sold, Sold, Sold! Oh my God, my house is sold!!!! It went on the market late last Monday afternoon. Late Tuesday my house was sold for the asking price. I am stunned and every other emotion as well.

I had no idea this would happen so fast. I am walking around in a bit of a daze. There are moments I find I am happy and excited. Then there are moments where I am scared and wondering “what have I done?”. And then there is the daze. So many emotions and they show up at the oddest of times. I am not sure which one will be there until it presents itself.

I feel a bit overwhelmed with all the prep work that needs to be done. The paper work is huge. Today I received all the paperwork from the escrow company. There are times I wonder, where is Jim? It would be so much easier with him. I will forge ahead alone, though. It is hard to be single and do something so big. I feel so tiny.

I find I am doing the same thing I did, right after Jim died. I make a list of all that has to be done and then I pick two or three items to do a day and then I stop. I try to remember to leave the house and go do something fun. I find fun can be huge or as simple as an afternoon at Santee Lakes, taking photos and laying on the grass. It is good to remember to breath and relax.

An Afternoon at the Lakes

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Just after the first of the year I began to work on the inside and outside of my house. It is not that I haven’t been busy, yet in the next month, I feel overwhelmed with the thought, of the amount of work that needs to be done. What do I keep? What do I sell? What do I give away? When is the garage sale?

Where do I go from here? In the middle of this past week, the check engine light in my RV went on. Now I am also in the middle of getting new nox sensors and dealing with Mercedes Benz and Holland Motor Homes. Sometime I get tired of being strong and holding on. But strong and holding on, I do.

On My First Hike

On My First Hike

This past weekend I had a last minute opportunity to go camping up in the mountains east of San Diego with a good friend, Pat. It was a good weekend. I did my first hike since my broken ankle, 1 mile. I am still practicing. Pat and I share an unfortunate common experience, the loss of our husbands, way too soon. I am glad she was there because on Saturday afternoon I hit an emotional wall. It has been a long time since I have cried and it felt so good to have a moment of release. I am glad I have friends who create a safe environment for me to feel vulnerable and loved.

When I look at my house, I realize with this sale and moving into my RV, I am closing a chapter of my life. This is one chapter I had always hoped I would not have to close. It has made my vulnerability and emotions ride close to the surface. I will miss the house for a while until new adventures unfold. I know I will always carry Jim close to my heart. Just because the house is gone does not mean he will be forgotten. There is no way I could ever forget the valuable time we shared together. The house is only a symbol and when I can sweep all the emotions aside, I feel good about the sale. I feel good I am moving forward, even if I am not sure where I am going.

Now I am heading for the attic. Marking one more off my list. Yep I am adventuring into the unknown. And what an adventure it is going to be. I hope you continue to come along for the ride.