I am busy. I am really busy. I am really, really, really busy. My house closes in less than two weeks and I am cleaning and packing and throwing away. Every day I get out of bed and before I even move toward the kitchen I stop and organize one thing in my bedroom. After hot tea and a quick bite to eat, I start packing in earnest.
It has been interesting to discover items long forgotten among the stash.
Yesterday I found a stack of letters Jim wrote to me when we first became an “item”. I was living in Albuquerque at the time and he was in San Diego. His letters were so revealing of the deep passion he had for life and for me. Whoa, I have never felt so cared for by someone in my life. No wonder I felt so special and loved around him. As we were together longer the passion became quieter, yet was still there in our every day interactions. It also was noted in the fact that he listened to me and if I mentioned something I was interested in or wanted, sure enough, at some point it would appear. I went horseback riding. I received new ski racks for my car. I flew in a glider plane. I wore diamond earrings. He was responsible for getting me involved in watercolor art, buying me my first 10 lessons and all the supplies to get started. Interested in Photography?, a new camera appeared. Pretty early on in our relationship I realized I had to be careful about voicing what I wished for, I knew it would eventually show up. He was a good man, a good match for me and a delightful human being.
How Jim Felt About Me
As I pack up the house, I miss him very much. I am not shutting the door but I am closing a chapter in my life. I feel it needs to be done so I can venture outward to more new experiences.
I taught English Country Dancing (ECD) for 7 years in San Diego. This dancing is what you see in all the Jane Austen films (Pride & Prejudice, Emma….). I love this dancing. I loved to teach and call. After seven years I gave it up for many personal reasons. The most prevalent reason; I did not feel I was a good fit for this growing community. Personalities flared, not always in a positive way, and I decided to quit. I had hopes for a while I would start my own dance community. I missed the dancing and I missed the calling/teaching. As you may be able to tell, there were a lot of issues around this that I have had to take years to resolved. Yesterday I took all my English dance CD’s, books, teaching notes and more and gave them to the San Diego ECD Community Library.
Then
ECD Now
I met up with Ellen, the woman who was instrumental in creating the resurgence of this dance in San Diego, for lunch. After our 2 hour catch up lunch, we met at her car and I moved the 3 boxes of ECD paraphernalia, 3 ball gowns and 2 slips into Ellen’s car. We spoke for a few minutes and then we were both on our way home.
So Light, I am walking on air.
Sometimes simple acts can be very symbolic. When I moved the last box into her car, I felt light. I felt like I could walk on a cloud. With one simple act I released years of dis-settlement. At one point Ellen asked me if I really wanted to give this personal and loved collection up. I simply said yes and I knew in my soul I meant it. Giving away, selling, throwing away is a release. With release comes growth. And it becomes a positive event.
This morning I woke up continuing to feel much lighter and content with this whole interaction. I am so glad I did this. Look how far I have come. And I still have so far to go. Maybe one day I will return to ECD as a dancer. I am still not in that place with the local community. As I travel though I will be paying attention to all the dance communities in the area where I am. I love to dance and I don’t plan to stop. I need another way to approach it and traveling is giving me that opportunity.
I always thought that as I matured, I would have to confront less and less personal growth issues. They still keep popping up. As a good friend of mine, Sharon, once said to me “Janet, dear when you are 80 you will still be growing and changing”. Not a bad life sentence.
Off to the next drawer and more revelations.
This past Monday, my realtor and I went “live”. My home is up for sale. I have been working on the house since February getting it ready for this moment. My broken ankle slowed the process down for a few months. Now that I am walking and doing better each day, it is time.
Ever since I was diagnosed with breast cancer I feel as if my life has been tossed up in the air, like a deck of cards. While I was picking up the cards from this incident, Jim was diagnosed with cancer. Up went the cards again. Eight months later he was diagnosed with a metastasis from the original cancer, up the cards went once again. With his death all those cards have been taking their time coming down. I have been slowly picking them up, one at a time. Picking up each one has certainly been taking time. No set schedule here.
Journeys of Thankfulness 