Tuesday, mid-morning, after one more visit to the hospital, I departed Flagstaff and began the drive across Arizona on I-40. I chose this route for a few reasons; since I have spent so much time in Arizona and New Mexico I have decided I might linger more in states and areas of the

Monsoon

country that I have not been to before. This was a very hard choice because I love these two states. There is so much diversity in each one. The summer monsoons are in full swing across this high desert country. I got to witness the summer clouds forming up and watched the rain coming across the desert plateaus. Just beautiful. There was even a flash flood on the west bound part of the highway near Gallup. I am glad it  was on the other side of the road.

La Posada

I did stop in Winslow, AZ and took a stroll through town. Raquel suggested this stop. Winslow is known for a few things but mostly it is a railroad town. Here are the two things that people do in this town. One attraction is to stand on the corner made famous by the Eagles song. And I did.  The other feature of note in this little town is the La Posada Hotel. This was one of the Harvey Houses. It was built in the 1920’s by Fred Harvey who believed that even if you were in the wild west you could still have a fine place to stay with sliver and the finest of linens. He built his houses along the railroad. After it’s hay day it fell into disrepair but now has come back as a beautiful hotel. You too can stay in this hotel right on the rail.

I did not make it to Colorado as I had planned and instead stopped at a campground on the Rio Grande River just north of Albuquerque. I was very proud of myself for being able to hook up to everything on my own. It is amazing how this feat is so, challenging for me right now and how I am so proud of myself when I do everything right. I miss Jim and his loving support and I feel extra proud that I am beginning to figure things out for myself and they are working. It feels good to regroup after such an auctioned packed couple of days in Flagstaff.

Sunrise over the Rio Grande

About 2 weeks before I left on this journey I changed my status on facebook from married to”It’s complicated”. That term feels more accurate than widow or single. I feel that it is very complicated for me right now. I still feel in limbo between being in relationship and being single. I am officially not married any longer and I certainly don’t feel single. I don’t feel like I am anything except Janet trying to make it through each day in the most positive way that I can. If I look at my full adult life, that is who I have always been, even when I was in this incredibly loving and supportive relationship. Janet, making my way through each moment of my life doing the best that I can do.

Janet has been a friend of mine for many years. We met contra-dancing in San Diego. Our friendship took off when we both started to English Country Dance together. We also started hiking together with the Sierra Club, Wednesdays in the Mountains. Janet has always been my friend and her friendship has never wavered. The one thing that I really appreciate and enjoy about our friendship is that there is not one thing that defines it. We like doing all kinds of things together. She has been there for me, steadily over the past three years. After Jim died she started e-mailing photos of birds. Now I love birds and nature and this has been such a delight for me to be able to see these beautiful photos. Janet also has been so right there when I need her. All I have to do is ask and she is there. This past week when I wasn’t feeling well, who shows up with gingerale and things I needed? Janet. Today I want to thank Janet for being part of my life and I could not ask for a better friend. I am very thankful for her on-going love and support.

Now it is time to get on-the-road to Alamosa, Colorado where I will be visiting long time friends.

Guess where I am? First thing I want to tell all my friends who I am coming to visit, you are not allowed to repeat this photo. This morning was concerning, this evening Sharon is stable and doing better and all her family and I are entertaining her in the ICU. Tomorrow I am planning on heading east to my next stop. One more visit to the hospital and I will be on my way.

Sharon is sending us home so she can flirt with the night nurse. Tonight I am thankful my friend is doing better.

Friday morning me and my Roadtrek took off. Yes that is right, I am now officially on-the-road. It was a beautiful drive across the California desert and into the mountains. I am in Flagstaff for the next couple of days.

Elsie the cat is not riding with me. She was bit too stressed out about the RV. After some very painful decision making I decided to leave her in Santee with Raquel who is taking care of “everything Janet” in CA this summer. Elsie, who usually runs from everyone (the original scaredy cat), was taking treats out of Raquel’s hand and being petted by her as well. In her cat way, I think she was demonstrating the good choice I made. I will certainly be missing my furry friend, yet the last thing I want is for her to be stressed. I am leaving her picture on the blog. I will be able to see her face when I check this site.

I am an east coast girl, raised in the second smallest state in the nation. Any guesses? That is right, Delaware. When I first moved west, it was to Utah. There are 2 reactions, it seems, from “east coasters” when they move west. They love it or all they want to do is go back east, away from those wide open spaces. I took one look around and fell in love, with the deserts, the mountains and all those “see for miles spaces”. Driving across the desert was such treat in my new Roadtrek (RT). I loved sitting up high and I got to see everything from a new advantage point. It was not too hot. The highest temperature I saw was 102 F. But, wait for it…..It was dry heat. I always love it when people say that.

Here are some of my thoughts as I drove yesterday.

The desert

• In the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the desert there are these deserted and often gutted trailers. One was sitting on the top of the hill with the back end sticking over a precipice with nothing to support it. What are they doing there and where did the inhabitants go? And, the one on the top of the hill, did they ever worry about tipping over when they walked to the back? I almost thought of starting a photo journal of the ones I saw. Such an odd thing.
• What am I doing out here?
• Where did Jim go when he died?
• Why couldn’t they fix route 66 so the road was better, it would have been fun to drive more of it?
• Should my inverter be on or off? This part of my RT confounds me.
• God I love these places where I can see for miles. And the big puffy monsoon clouds were such a delight.’

Profound thoughts, right? I love to let my mind wander and go where it will. And, trust me, these were just a few of the millions of thoughts that traveled with me yesterday.

I am staying in Flagstaff for another night. This is the gateway to the Grand Canyon’s south rim. It sits around 7000 feet up and is incredibly beautiful country. The San Francisco Peaks are the home of the Kachina Gods of the Hopi Indians and a wonderfully beautiful year round outdoor playground. I have been here several times before and always look forward to returning.

I am staying with my friend, Sharon. We met years ago when we got involved in building an all women’s sweat lodge on a near-by property. She is a feisty woman who is currently dealing with breast cancer and is in the middle of chemotherapy. This has all occurred in the last few months. When I called to let her know I was coming and she told me this piece of news, she said she hadn’t called me because this was just another passing moment in her life. She is having a tough time with the chemo. I am glad I am here helping to create a diversion for a few days. She is a reminder to me that while I have been going through grief and all my own stuff, life is going on and others are dealing with continuing issues both good and hard in their lives. The lesson for me is that life does go on. She is so honored that she is the first stop in my journey. I am glad I planned it this way as well. We, her daughter and the 2 of us sat up into the evening talking and enjoying each others company and laughing over our past adventures and catching up on her large family’s lives. She knew Jim as well and it was good to reminisce. I have many strong role models in my life and Sharon is definitely one of them.

Janet & Sharon

Right now I am sitting on the floor in my home in Santee. Why is she not on-the-road? you might ask. Plain and simple I am sick, the flu has struck and my couch is the best I can do at the moment. I am so glad that I am not on a time schedule. I guess I am just waiting for the opportune moment to leave. It certainly is not today.  Well I guess I could say this sucks but I believe things happen for a reason even if I don’t know what it is at the time. I do know that I  do not want to drive across the hot dessert not feeling 100%. And so I wait.

Since I am sitting here with not much to do but sleep I decided that I would tell you about another San Diego person who has affected my life over the past 3 years. After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, one day Therese calls me on the phone and asks if I like to play scrabble. Until this moment I only knew her as Drew’s wife (he worked for my husband) and we shared a common bond for the arts. Since that phone call Therese and I have had our bi-weekly game of scrabble and conversation and we have become good friends. I have found that when people are dealing with issues it is nice to have people who are not always asking questions such as, “how are you doing?”, “how is Jim doing?”. Don’t get me wrong I think these questions are important too and I appreciate those questions a lot, yet it is nice to just have relaxing every day conversations and do normal things. It reminds me that life was still out there and going on while I dealt with my and Jim’s personal health and emotional issues. it continues to do that for me today. And all it took was one phone call. Because of our games of scrabble and conversation I have made a most marvelous friend. She is there to help me and love me and support me as I go through this transition. And, I am there for her. Therese is a very kind, generous and caring person and a delight to be with. Now we do more together than play scrabble and I am so glad she is my friend. We have a lot of fun. She has touched my heart. And…my spelling and vocabulary have certainly improved. Thank you Therese for being my friend and for checking on me and keeping me a little more “normal” in crisis.

Now I think it is time for a nap. Sigh.

Still hiking

Too much to think about. Too many things to do. I have decided to delay my departure  until bright and early Monday morning. Why, you might ask? My neighbor and friend, Raquel and I spent until 1 pm this afternoon creating a screen door for my slider door on my Roadtrek. I am pleased with the results and now I need to test it with Elsie on board to see if it really is cat proof. Raquel and I are new friends and we worked hard and had a great time. When we were done we celebrated with iced tea and chocolate. The rest of today and tomorrow it is time to clean and pack. And, you know what is great about this adventure? I have no times schedule. When I am ready I will go.

I am nervous about this trip. I have traveled a lot and I have loved all of it. I have never traveled in an RV and not for 3 months. So I am a bit apprehensive. I have decided to take the advice of  one of the people on the Roadtrek Facebook page. I will figure it out as I go and enjoy the process. I think that much of this nervousness will go away once I am under way. Put me behind the wheel of a car and I just love to drive. It also helps to know I am going toward something. I am not sure what it is but it is something.

I have been caught up unexpectedly in strong memories of Jim over the past few days. Grief is an interesting process. These moments just show up, out of the blue and can be quite powerful. I remind myself to follow a process that continues to work well for me. Lesson one  is to breath. Lesson two is to call someone and talk about it. Lesson three is to remind myself that this too shall pass, so ride it out and be patient. This time the call to my mother-in-law did the trick. I love Dotty, she is great. Talking with her helped me find balance and once again I could move forward.

I am preparing to travel and visit friends all over the country. I have been thinking of my Southern California friends. They have supported me so much in the past several years. I would like to share some of these people and moments intermittently with all who are along on my journey. Barbara and her husband, Henry, have been friends with Jim and I for many years. The friendship has been tighter and stronger between Jim and these 2, as they ran together every Saturday morning since 1996. They shared a bond that I did not. October 16, 2012 was my 60th birthday. Jim and I both marked our 60th milestone in the hospital. At one point we looked at each other and said “worst birthdays ever”. Jim died the day after my birthday. As you can imagine we were otherwise occupied and these dates were going to slip on by. Early in the afternoon on the 16th, Barbara arrives at the hospital with a wonderful chocolate cake from a local dessert bakery, Extraordinary Desserts. This wonderful woman and friend took time to remember my  birthday. It was and still is a very heart warming moment for me. The cake was lovely; the gesture was touching. Each time I remember this moment I want to call and thank her again, for her love and caring and ongoing friendship and for the fact that she remembered my birthday. Thank you Barbara and I am so glad our friendship is growing and blossoming.

My adventure continues tomorrow. Cleaning the house and getting it ready for Raquel who is going to stay and love my garden and house for the summer. Through all the emotions, getting ready and putting it all together so I can depart on Monday, everything has been falling into place. Magic does happen.

Hiking Iron Mt

It is hard to get ready to leave home. When I was younger I would leave home and travel and find new places without hesitation. Today I am feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to do, to get myself on-the-road. Sometimes I think that I create projects to make it difficult. This is something to ponder on.  I think it will be a relief to actually get in my Roadtrek and drive.

Years ago when I lived in Minnesota I was preparing to go to a weekend workshop that was focused on Native  American practices. I was nervous about this. We were going into ceremony and spending all night awake and drumming and communicating with spirit.  I knew no-one there. When I left Minneapolis for the drive northwest I found that I couldn’t find my way out of town. I kept getting turned around on the freeways, even though I had lived there for a length of time. At that point I was getting frustrated and angry. I finally stopped at a gas station and asked myself what was going on?  When I could acknowledge that I was afraid and not sure about going to this event, well wouldn’t you know I found my way right to the camp. Sometime the hardest part of any experience is starting out. Here I am again preparing for departure and driving into the unknown and feeling all kinds of emotions. This time I will find my way out of town.

Today I taught myself how to use the electric drill to place some added snaps into the RV frame. Jim would have been the one to figure out these projects. Now I need to figure them out. Off I went to Lowes and talked to a person of knowledge and found the  right equipment and and I came back and was able to accomplish this feat without difficulty. Observing Jim over the years has taught me is to look at a project first. Think about all possibilities. Create a plan, figure out how to implement it and then follow the plan. Do it safely and take your time. Well darn I did all that and it worked. I am now ready to figure out a screen door for the slider door. When I pick up the drill or use the table saw or use anything else in the garage realm I feel really accomplished. The other thing Jim has taught me is that it is OK to wander around Home Depot or Lowes with a glazed look in my eyes. I used to tease him about this.  My God he loved going to these stores. Now I too am walking around with that glazed look.

This summer I am going on a journey, literally, in my RV. I am traveling for an undefined amount of time. I am on a journey of thankfulness and healing and gratitude. This is something I feel very compelled to do.

The last 3 plus years of my life have been quite a struggle on many levels. I don’t want to harp on what has been but for readers of this blog it might help to know a brief history of what has happened to move me into this journey.

A little over 3 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The words I would never like to hear again are “rare”, “we don’t know much about this kind of cancer”. “chemo” and “radiation”. I quickly became my own advocate for my health care and with much support from my husband, Jim, and many good doctors, I skipped the chemo and went to radiation. After finishing with all of this I thought I was good to go. At my 6 month check-up they thought they saw more cancer in the same breast so back into the medical system I went. More biopsies, and another lumpectomy did the trick and as of right now I am cancer free. Yes!!!

Just as I got the all clear, my husband, Jim, was diagnosed with cancer of the salivary gland. Again all the above words were repeated. Now before any of you think he was a smoker, he was not, nor did he chew tobacco. He had surgery done followed by a summer of radiation and chemo. It was a long summer. We thought we had beat it. Nine months later the cancer metastasized and in October of 2012, Jim died.

I have lost my best friend of 21 years.  I have lost my partner and my love and nothing I do can bring him back. So what do I do next? Where do I live? Who helps me (no children)? How do I arrange my life as a single person once again? What I have chosen to do is to try to move as positively as I can towards a very unknown future.

Both Jim and I have had amazing support over the past years of cancer…and more. Much of this support came from  people I know and some are total strangers that I have come to know through the social media. I am taking my Roadtrek and my cat and I am going on the road this summer to thank each person that has loved and supported us through these turbulent years. It feels so important for me to meet each person and let them know how much their caring has meant and continues to mean to me. Without all of these people I would have been very alone. Instead I have felt so loved and so supported.

The journey begins right after July 4th and with many good wishes from my local friends, I go on-the-road. I plan to share the journey along the way. Maybe I will have some insights that will benefit myself and others or maybe this will just be a good story. For me this will certainly be a grand adventure in growth and caring.

Jim’s and my relationship was very special and I hope to share some of that with you as well. Right now I am preparing for departure and am excited, apprehensive, joyful and scared all at the same time. The first step sometimes feels more like a leap of faith and I must remember to breath as I step forward into my Journey of Thankfulness.

Won’t you please join me in my adventure? All are welcome.