Janet Hiking with the Nature Conservancy Spring 2013

I Have Been Hiding.

These past few weeks have been emotionally hard for me. People always say it is the holidays, I don’t really think so. Sometimes there is no reason why feelings appear. I don’t really  think they need to be defined. Emotions just are. I am not so fond of the ones I have been feeling. I prefer to  think I am progressing and creating a next phase of my life. Yet I admit to wallowing in the  past couple of weeks. I have been missing companionship. I also am missing having Jim physically in my life. He always thought and felt I was a good person and I miss having someone support me in this manor. I know that in my growth I should be able to support myself, however, having someone love you and see you whole in their eyes is such a marvelous thing. I am missing that at this moment.

Machu Pichu

When Jim first died I was busy and I chose to continue to be busy most of this past year. Now I am not so busy and I feel that this is allowing my emotions to come forward. Sometimes it just takes time. At the same time I am doing OK. I am not curling up behind closed curtains. I am just laying low. I think that is OK.

I have been thinking a lot about what I need from strangers, my friends, my family and myself. Having gone through breast cancer (being the patient) and Jim’s cancer (being the caretaker) I have been asked what others can do for me. This is  such a huge question.

What I really think I need and what I intend to do to help others when they are going through anything hard in their lives is to say “I am sorry you have to go  through this. What can I do to help?”

Here is one of my lists of things I never need to hear again.

• Any story about anyone’s cancer, especially the stories that resulted in death.
• Having someone tell me my HMO is terrible. Both Jim and I have had wonderful doctors and really appreciate the loving kindness so many showed us within the system.
• Don’t tell me that if Jim had gone to another medical center he might still be alive. Really? (this one came from a woman who was in the midst of the treatment for metastatic cancer)
• I don’t need to hear how horrible the treatments are for cancer. The old wives tales can be horrible. No one responds the same to the individualized treatments for cancer.
• “He is in such a better place now.” “He is no longer suffering.” How does anyone know this?  This does not help.
• “God called him home.” This another really? moment. Jim was an agnostic in this case how could God call him home.
• Don’t always ask how I am doing. From moment to moment it changes, just like everyone else.
• Don’t keep asking me to tell the story of my bout with cancer or Jim’s. It is painful at times and I want to move forward.

Now the list of things that have been helpful to both myself and Jim.

• Anyone who took us out of what we were going through. I have not told you about all of Jim’s running buddies (Barbara, Henry & Brian). These three people were so caring & beneficial for Jim and myself. They treated both of us normal when we all knew the situation was anything but normal. Keeping our normal routines alive helped so much.
• Ask me how my life is going, not how I am doing? Gossip is great. Let’s admit it, we all do it.
• In the midst of misery ask me to go do something normal, play a game of scrabble, go to a movie, take a walk and anything else that is normal.
• If anyone is feeling overwhelmed bring them a pot of soup, clean their house, and just love them.
• When I was in the hospital with Jim, friends would check in on the cat…that helped me not worry about her.
• The most important thing is to pay heed to how I am doing now in my life. Friendships will bring me out of my current sorry state.

Pismo Beach

Janet & Nancy enjoying TG

Lastly, I wanted to tell you what I did over Thanksgiving. My friend, Nancy and I took my cute RT to Pinnacles National Park. First we went to Pismo Beach and had Thanksgiving Dinner at the SeaVenture Resort, right on the Ocean. It was beautiful and filling.

We spent three nights at Pinnacles National Park.I didn’t even know about this park. It is remote and striking in the  middle of so much that is urban. It is close to King City & Monterey. We hiked into caves & around the peaks. there was no internet or cell phone reception and it was so great to have time out. I love beautiful country and being remote. I also love my RV when it is 30 degrees out. I am getting used to this kind of hiking.

Pinnacles

A short tunnel

In the Caves

In November, I posted on my facebook page 30 days of what I was thankful for. Sometimes it was hard. It makes me aware that I don’t always take the time to remember thankfulness and feeling grateful. I would like to think that I may be a little more aware now. Right now I feel a need to be vigilant with these feelings and wait for them to incorporate  into my every day life so they become a part of it instead of the exception.

Right now, I am thankful, for this blog, for my friends, for my readers and my family. All of you give me strength and for that I am so Thankful.

Pismo Beach

Jim at work

I promised myself I would only do this one time around the first anniversary of Jim’s death. I am not going to be like public radio. In case you want to help though it is a worthy cause.

October marked the one year anniversary of Jim’s death. Where did the time go? It feels in many ways, just like yesterday. I know our lives move on but there are many that will carry the memory of Jim with them for years to come.

Jim had a Masters Degree in Counseling. As an administrator he was dedicated to helping college students achieve academic success. He started his career at Grossmont Community College as the Director of Admissions & Records. He ended his career as the Dean of Counseling & Student Services. Over his years at the college his caring and gentle way garnered respect from all he encountered. He was a good man.

Jim spent 24 years passionately assisting students and staff at Grossmont College. He often commented on how the people he worked with felt like family. I can think of nothing better to honor my husband and friend than to help a student through college.

Shortly after his death I started The Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship at Grossmont College. One semester this scholarship is awarded to a student in the Arts & Humanities. The next semester it is awarded to a student in the Social Sciences. I opted to have this scholarship alternate between these two majors because the two areas were a major focus of Jim’s adult life. He had a passion for both.

My goal is to continue the scholarship for many years to come. With the help of the Grossmont College Foundation I would like to make this a perpetual scholarship. I need to raise money to accomplish this. If you would like to help with this cause, all donations would be greatly appreciated

Contributions to the Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship Fund are most welcome and can be made as a one-time gift or as an ongoing donation through the Foundation.

Contributions are tax deductible.

Foundation for Grossmont & Cuyamaca Colleges (FGCC)

Mention that the contribution is for The Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship

Mail Contributions to:

Selam Gebrekristos

Scholarship Specialist

Financial Aid Office

8800 Grossmont College Dr

El Cajon, CA 92020-1799

Tax Deductible Contributions per section 501 (c) (3) of the IRS Code; EIN 45-2692818

With All my Heart Felt Thanks

Janet

Big Sur Coast

Getting through these past weeks has been an adventure for me. I did not find that marking the 1 year anniversary of Jim’s death was all that difficult. Then there was my birthday…I guess it hit me that I am alone and although there are many that would celebrate with me, well it just wasn’t Jim.  One of the more interesting parts of this dilema is that Jim and I were not big on celebrating our birthdays or anniversary. Well, maybe Jim was big on celebrating his birthday because it meant chocolate and an array of it as well.

best costume at the Market

I have been traveling a little in my cute RT. I took advantage of a Scottish Dance weekend in Pacific Grove to leave a day early and camp on the way up. Then I came home a day late so I could camp on the way home. One of the nice parts of heading for this destination is the Big Sur Coast. I traveled it north and I traveled it south. Halloween night found me near San Luis Obispo and the Thursday night Farmers Market. This is one of the best Farmers Markets and most people were dressed in costume which made it even more fun.

looking up at the redwoods

On the return trip I stayed at Lime Kiln State Park on the beach. Even though the beach was good what I really enjoyed was the hike to the Lime Kilns and to a 100 foot waterfall. It was beautiful and peaceful hiking through old growth redwoods. There is a softness to walking through the forest alone. I love to be in nature by myself. It clears my head, wakes up my heart and spirit and I seem to think more clearly. I like the clarity that the natural world gives me.

Jim & Janet

Jim loved to Scottish Dance. Here in San Diego we have a small and very dedicated group of dancers. They were very supportive to Jim and myself. Today they continue to honor and support me. What a unique and special thing this is. Back in the early 1990’s Jim wanted a kilt. He ordered a Modern Morgan plaid kilt from Scotland. Since neither of us are Scottish, he ordered one that complimented his beautiful blue eyes. He looked real fine in this kilt. It was fun to watch him dance and flip that kilt.

After Jim died I was trying to find a home for this kilt. No one in our branch needed one, so I contacted a long time friend of mine, Ron, in the Bay Area to see if he could help me find a home for this kilt. Ron teaches Scottish Dancing and music on all kinds of instruments. When I contacted him, he let me know that he had just started an non-profit to gather instruments and gear for those just starting out in the Scottish world of dance and music who often could not afford their own gear.I donated Jim ‘s kilt to this cause.

Ron

The kilt was delivered to Ron at the Orange County Christmas dance, 2012. There was this tall, thin young man playing the fiddle in the band. Soon I met Scotland (yep that is his name (Scotland Bonny). Scotland is 19 years old and a very gifted musician and dancer. Scotland now is the proud owner of Jim’s kilt. The night of this dance, at Ron’s request, Scotland wore this beautiful blue kilt to make music for all of us dancers. It was such a touching moment for me to know that Jim’s spirit lives on in this kilt that now will make memories for Scotland.

Janet & Scotland

At the end of January 2013 I drove to Bishops Ranch, in wine country north of San Francisco for a Scottish/English dance weekend. This group of dancers, mostly from the Santa Rosa area welcomed me to their community with open arms. Before we were piped to dinner on Saturday night, Ron introduced me and told the story of Jim and the kilt, while Scotland stood on the stair landing for all to see. Ron played a beautiful air in honor of Jim. With tears in our eyes we walked to dinner. After a waltz at the end of the evening with Scotland, the kilt felt officially passed on to make new memories while carrying the spirit of Jim forward.

There are so many moments I have experienced such as this one, since Jim’s death. This moment with the kilt stands out. My heart was so wide open and there was this whole group of people that I did not know who just took me in and loved me when I needed it most. I will not forget the kindness and generosity of strangers who are now more than that. It reminds me to be open to find kindness in the ordinary of each day and not wait for the special moments.

I have been thinking a lot about this kilt. I am sure that this dance weekend in Pacific Grove had a lot to do with this. There is nothing finer than being a part of a ball with all the men dressed in their kilts and Prince Charlies and the women in their ball gowns, dancing to beautiful music. It is magic. I hope to continue to find this type of magic in my life. Dance On!!!!!

Janet before the ball

Last Thursday was Jim’s birthday. I miss the chocolate frenzy that often accompanied his day. He was definitely a chocoholic and waited all year for Tammy’s chocolate cake and anything else chocolate that came his way. When I was first with him there was a group of people at Grossmont College that had birthdays in October. They would have a party at one of their homes and everyone brought incredible chocolate desserts. I would eat a little of some but not Jim. He would take a good size piece of each dessert, enjoy that first taste (he often closed his eyes and had a look of supreme happiness on his face) and then return for seconds. This is the man who increased his pants waist size by 1 inch since college. I am so glad I can remember these moments with him.

Tomorrow, Wednesday is my birthday. Thursday Jim will be gone a year. It is amazing to me that it has been that long. It feels like yesterday in many ways. I still look up once in a great while and think he will be coming around the corner. Now I know better, so no-one worry. It just is an odd experience to go through.

I am definitely doing much better. The traveling I did over the summer certainly had a very positive affect on who I am now. Seeing so many people and meeting so many new people who supported me and cared about me over the past several years has helped me move forward through the difficult time following Jim’s death. I am honored to know my friends remain there for me. I hope they know I am there for them too. All we have is each other and I feel strongly that I want to support others as I have been supported.

surfs up, PB

I am not sure what my direction is going to be. I don’t have to know. I believe it will come to me in time. I want to live each day to it’s fullest, whatever that may mean to me at the moment. In the meantime I need to get so much done around home since I arrived back here about 1 month ago. Cleaning, sorting, giving away, selling and more takes time and patience. I have finally discovered the importance of lists.

I am continuing on with my 365 days of thank you notes. I am not always good at doing one each day. I find some days I feel like writing more than one and I do. Some days I find it difficult to figure out who or what I am thankful for. There are times I feel thankfulness through my whole being. I like those moments yet I think sometimes I need to quiet that part of me down so I can deal with “life”. During those times I find if I go inside myself and observe, there is always an inkling of light that is thankfulness within me. It is nice to acknowledge this inkling is there and alive within me.

Have I felt any different since starting this faze of my Journey of Thankfulness? I am not sure. I pay more attention to what others are doing when they are around me. It has made me a little more patient. I wish I could say I have slowed down but I don’t think I have. I finally decided this morning to get back to walking and hiking. I was out this morning, early. It doesn’t take me long to remember how much being outside and in nature makes me content and happy.

I am making an appointment tomorrow to get my solar panels on my RoadTrek. I am ready to do some desert camping in my cute little vehicle. The temperatures are falling and it will be great to sleep easy after a day of hiking and exploring. I am anxious to get back in the RV and go have fun. In the meantime….Happy Birthday to me.

Jim & Janet kayaking, hiking & camping on the Colorado

Janet at the Zoo

Wow, it is hard to believe that I have been home over a week. It is even harder to be aware that the first leg of my journey is over. I am still smiling when I take a moment to ponder the people whose company I enjoyed and the many places I have seen. I have certainly fallen in love with my RV and am anticipating all the possible trips in the future.

I still have more of this journey to go. I have not been up the west coast or Alaska yet. I have friends that are waiting for me and, I am anxious to see them.  So there is certainly more to come. And I have found that many of you enjoy following the adventure so I will continue to blog about my wanderings.

Raquel

I have a roommate. Raquel who helped me fix my screen door on the Roadtrek. She took care of my home and Elsie the cat this summer, and is now officially moved into my spare room. I am finding I enjoy having her presence in my house. We get along well. After living with Jim for 21 years I am not used to being alone. It is good to have good company.

I have had a few epiphanies on my journey this summer.

• I am getting my house in Santee ready for sale. I realized somewhere in NY State that I am ready to sell. My friend Barbara, who is also a realtor and I will be meeting in a couple of weeks when we are both in town. I am excited, anxious, scared and feeling happy about it as well. I have learned that all emotions can hit at the same time.
• I can no longer deny that I am a lovable and likable person. Many of you may not know but, my self image has been fragile since I was young. I am feeling so good about this revelation.  Just saying the words and feeling them has helped me to feel free and content and happy. Along with this I am going to make an effort to stop allowing negativity into my life. I am ready, with baby steps, to go and live a full life every day. This, of course will be a continuing project.

I read three books that impacted me this summer.

Acts of Gratitude  has encouraged me to continue on this Journey of Thankfulness. It is a  great read. I am going to attempt to write a year of thank you notes. I may take longer than a year but it is the intention that is the most important. October 1 I began this new part of my adventure.

The Four Agreements and The Fifth Agreement  also has reminded me to be a self aware and considerate of myself and others. Listed below are the 5 agreements. These are not easy to follow all the time, trust me. I am attempting to incorporate them more directly in my life. I believe it is making a difference, a little bit at a time.

1. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
   Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
   Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
   Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.
4. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
   Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are tired as opposed to well rested. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
5. BE SKEPTICAL, BUT LEARN TO LISTEN
   Don’t believe yourself or anybody else. Use the power of doubt to question everything you hear: Is it really the truth? Listen to the intent behind the words, and you will understand the real message.

I have been a busy lady since I have returned. On Sunday I am taking a group on tour to northern CA. We are suppose to be visiting Yosemite, Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks. Right now they are shut. Sigh. I think this tour is going to be a mystery tour. I hope that my peeps are up for an adventure. I am.

Janet & Beth

Jim and I met Beth our and now my massage therapist in the early 1990’s. We were looking for a good therapist and once we found her, well, we stopped looking. Over the years Beth has become much more than a therapist. Over the past 3 1/2 years she has seen me at my best and my worst. She has never turned away. When I am in her company her arms are always open. She is a loving and caring and fun friend to have. I appreciate her wisdom and knowledge. I also appreciate her vulnerability. I am glad we have become friends over the ensuing years and see our friendship lasting many more years to come. She is a role model for me.  I enjoy her positive take on life. Thank you Beth for being my friend and more.

Cathy has been my hair stylist for a number of years. When people talk about their beautician as a counselor, trust me they are not kidding. Cathy has heard many of my joys and sorrows over the years. After I was diagnosed with breast cancer Cathy became my friend. I love catching up with her every 6 weeks. She loves her family and her husband, Joe, We discuss everything. We gossip. We laugh and cry together. She has been a wonderful support to me and I am so very glad she is in my life.

Friends are such an important part of my life. All of you have been so supportive and loving to me. It certainly makes my heart feel very full and happy.

Here  is  a link to all my photos of this first journey. Enjoy.

https://journeysofthankfulness.shutterfly.com/

Taking Rt 89 out of Thistle, Utah

After spending two nights in Provo, Utah and successfully (I thought) fixing my check engine light, I was off to southern Utah. The wind was so strong on I-15 that I decided to once again get off the highways and head for the rural roads. If you ever get a chance take route 89 through Utah. It is an incredibly beautiful ride.

View on Rt 89

This trip seems to have been mostly about reconnecting with long time friends. Sharon and David have been part of my family since I was in junior high school. I used to babysit their children. Sharon has been a good friend, a mother, a counselor, an astrologer and more to me over the ensuing years. She probably knows more about me than most other people, including my sisters. This whole family has been and will continue to be an important part of my life. The first people that I went to visit after Jim died was Sharon and David. I knew that I could seek them out for the love and support I needed when I was at my most vulnerable. And, they loved Jim. And, they continue to love me, unconditionally.

Zion National Park, the East Side

It doesn’t hurt that they live on the western doorstep to Zion National Park. Heh, Heh. What is better than being able to go hike and explore all day and then come home to a hot shower and dinner on the table. It is not bad, not bad at all. Jim and I have spent many wonderful moments with them and in this park. If you have never been to Zion, go. It is an amazingly beautiful place and I highly recommend it.

This visit was even more of a delight because their oldest son, David Jr. and his family, Judith (his wife) and Taylor (their daughter) were visiting. This certainly added a little extra to this visit. I met Judith many years ago when they lived near Mt St. Helens and yes I was visiting when the mountain erupted for the second time. When an event like that happens it is interesting to be with two geologists. Instead of getting in the cars and leaving, we all ran to the top of the hill to get a better view.

David Jr and I have had some adventures in the past.  Even though we stay in touch infrequently, we seem to pick up where we left off at the last meeting. David took me on my first winter camping trip, in the Boundary Waters of northern Minnesota. Dare I mention that we got stuck in a blizzard and spent a night with a lonely couple running a lodge on Lake Superior. David had also met Jim.

David Sr, sitting,
L-R, Taylor, Judith, David Jr., Sharon

This trip I got to meet their daughter, Taylor. I love younger people, they help me see the world through fresh eyes. She is 20 and is quite the talker. I appreciated the moments we had together talking and hiking. It was fun to add to my second family as I have never met her before.

Often when I go to this park I spend my days hiking. This time, I spent much of it helping out. Judith, Taylor and I took the dog and two cats to the vet for Sharon. I want to know why my cat can’t behave like these three animals. This was one of the best trips to the vet I have ever had. Not only did they behave themselves, they really were as content as I have ever seen three animals at the vet.

View from the west side

I did manage to get a hike and a walk in while i was in this magnificent place. It is not unusual to hear the phrase, “this is better than the Grand Canyon”, regarding Zion National Park. This park was always sacred to the Native People. They would often come into this park to gather and do ceremony and then leave at the end of the day. For many of us who visit it over and over again it is a sacred place to us also. Knowing places like this exist helps me to be able to live in a more crowded urban area. And, if you are so inclined-check out The Narrows. Definitely a very cool place.

I am writing this from San Diego. I arrived home last Friday night around 8 pm. I have been a busy woman since I returned. I will tell you more in my next posting.

Jim, Hiking in Zion National Park, Emerald Pools Trail

Big Horn Sheep, Badlands

I  am back in the big open country where the skies go on forever. Since I have last posted I have visited Wisconsin, Minnesota and South Dakota. This morning I am waking up in Buffalo, Wyoming. I am moving towards Cody and then Yellowstone. I decided to take a quick couple of days on the Northern Loop. I am doing a tour into that area in February. I wanted to familiarize myself with this area since it has been years since I have explored that area. Fam trip here I come.

Badlands

I spent a part of Tuesday in Badlands National Park. I camped there and explored the park in the morning. Then a light came on on the dashboard. I spent the rest of the morning in Wall Drug. It was the last place I wanted to be. It is a tourist town. Now I have to reevaluate my opinion of this town. I have infected great toes. I walked into do medical clinic I noticed while talking to Roadtrek Emergency Assist. They saw me right away. I started on antibiotics, thanks to the pharmacy. The Lube place filled my DEF  tank with fluid. The people in this town were extremely helpful. It turned into a very good stop. And…they offer free water. It is how they got started.

Jim & Tammy

Tammy worked with Jim for years. she was the manager of the Counseling Department at Grossmont College. Tammy was more than that to us. Tammy has always been our friend. Since Jim got sick she has stepped forward and offered her help. She drove Jim to appointments when I was out of town. She has even gotten up at those wee early morning hours to drive me to the airport. She always has called Jim “Boss”, even after they retired. They truly had a great affection for each other. Since Jim died Tammy has been major support to me. The day I wanted to pick up the Jim’s ashes she met me at the funeral home as I could not go in. Tammy very rarely ever says no. I love the fact that our friendship has deepened. She has certainly helped offer unconditional support for me. I am so thankful Tammy remains a part of my life. The whole counseling department has been so supportive and helpful to me. Actually the whole college has been supportive. The benefit department took over right after Jim died and took care of some of the initial phone calls I needed to make. Any time I needed help the people at the college have been there for me.

Badlands Sunrise

I continue to be thankful for all the loving support I continue to receive. Each person I interact with or who quietly supports me is remembered. Their energy helps me to move forward with my life. Now it is onto Yellowstone and a good day of exploring the area of the country of big vistas.