The bike and gear and dogs.

Friday I met Kat, and I was fascinated. Kat is riding her bike across the United States. She is also pulling her two dogs along behind her in their own carrier. She is not biking distance, instead she is biking campground to campground. Some days she bikes 17 miles and other days 30. And she is pulling around 100 pounds of weight. Wow!

 I was so interested in what she was doing that I called her and made arrangements to visit with her at her campsite on Friday night, in east county San Diego. I know that most of you have had the experience of meeting someone for an instance in time that impresses you and maybe by the chance meeting, your life may change.

 After meeting Dory and Bodi (the dogs), Kat and I sat and over ceviche, wine and birthday cake, we talked. We talked about our personal histories, we talked about her trip and many of the logistics, we talked about Jim, we talked about Buddhism, we talked about our shared love of nature and the National Parks and we talked about things that matter to each of us.

 I left that night inspired. Kat had a brain tumor 12 years ago. She has some residual damage but none that I could detect until she told me her story. Despite the challenge Kat sold her home and loaded up her gear and started biking from Santa Barbara. Sunday she began heading east. Her and the girls. What inspired me was her willingness to sell or give everything away, put her house on the market and go into the unknown with trepidation and vigor.

Kat’s Blog

 This inspired me because I feel like this is where I am in my life right now. I am walking into the unknown. I have done this before, that was by my choice. This time it was not a conscious choice, it was handed to me, like it or not. Since Jim died I have been trying to figure out “what next?” Honestly, I don’t know. When I think outside the box, the possibilities become open ended. I could ride my bike across the United States too.

 Meeting Kat has inspired me to move ahead. Maybe it is time to start going room to room in my house and figure out what to keep and what to sell or give away. What is it that I need to make my life complete at the moment? This morning, Sunday, I was asking someone I work with how to get past feeling overwhelmed when you stare at your belongings and figure out how to dismantle a home. She said, first of all you have to know where you are moving to. For many knowing where you are going is utterly important. For me it may not be so important. I have a small RV and maybe I will just put things I want to keep in storage and say farewell to the rest.

Elsie hiding

 Miss Elsie (the cat) is getting more and more used to the RV and it might be time to include her in the fun. I have had a realization with this as well. I have been hesitant with the idea of taking Elsie with me in the RV. When I ask myself what does she do during the hours I am gone from my home, the answer is sleep and eat. So what is so different about being in the RV. This is when I realized that this is not her issue, it is mine. One more challenge to push myself through. Sigh. Life can be hard work.

Aiden & Nathan

Lastly I wanted to share with you a story about my neighbors. Kelly and Jeff are fairly new to the neighborhood. 8 months ago they had twin boys, Aiden and Nathan. I have been fortunate to follow this young family’s growth. Friday afternoon Kelly called and asked if I could come over for a few minutes. When I went into their house here was everyone in the dining room and a birthday cake, complete with candles for me. Man did I feel special. I have never had anyone, who is on the periphery of my life do something like this. I was touched and moved. It meant so much right down into the little sections of my heart. It reminds me to go out there and do for others. Even the most little tiny gesture may mean so much.

Well I am feeling more and more ready for the adventure. Moving forward one step at a time.

Today is my birthday. Today I am 62 years young. Two years ago on my birthday, well let’s just say, things were happening too quickly. With the exception of Barbara, a good friend, my 6oth birthday went by unnoticed.

Last Thursday, 2 years later, on the 9th of October I finally celebrated my 60th birthday. With the help of 13 good friends we met for dinner at Solare, a delightful Italian restaurant in San Diego. We had a private room and so could enjoy each other’s company undisturbed. It was a good evening. As I sat at the head of the table and looked down the way at everyone conversing and enjoying old friends and meeting new I realized this is what life is about.

Yes it is a spiritual journey for some of us, yes it is about work for others, yes it is about whatever we choose to be interested and involved in at the moment. When it comes down to the basics of life I have decided, it is about friends. Friends who support you and care about you no matter where you are at that moment. It is about looking down the table and feeling such a warmth and goodness and feeling thankful and grateful for all those who love and support me.

This is a short post, yet I wanted to take  a moment to thank all my friends and acquaintances and people who have touched my life for an instance,  for being in my life. Thank  you for giving what you can, when you can. Thank you for loving me.

And, today…raise a toast to my 60th and 62nd birthday.

Party on.

Passau, GR

Why is it that I can go away and have a wonderful vacation and a week after I get back it feels like I have never been gone? The one thing that was different was reviewing over 2000 photos.  Yow.

I love to travel. It doesn’t matter how I travel, boat, plane, RV, biking…I love to travel. I have found that it wakes me up and helps me be more aware of what I have in my life. I also find that I have time to contemplate my life. Yet, most of all,

Traveling is Fun.

My sister, Ginny, and I just got back from my very first group tour, to Prague, the Danube River (including Passau, Vienna, Bratislava & Budapest), and Innsbruck. Was it fun? Yes it was. It was delightful from beginning to end. I saw so many places and events that I have never seen before. Every place we went was so different and historically interesting.

Ginny & I on the Amadeus

It was fun to travel with Ginny. We, for the most part, got along well. There were a few sister moments but they came and went. We have traveled in the USA before but this was our first big trip out of the country. There are many things I appreciate about Ginny. The best one on this trip was that she was willing to walk away from the group activities and be a bit adventurous and go out on our own. I love to travel this way so it was fun to have someone along who liked to do this. We took a gondola to the top the alps in Italy as well as one in Austria. While I went off for mini-hikes she sat and took in the view and it worked out so well.

Group touring is interesting. There were 136 people on this tour, with only 2 tour managers. They were busy. Since I work as a tour guide and tour manager I knew that there will always be a few fussy ones on a trip. Ginny and I made a pact to steer clear of that group. We did. What I thought was interesting was that the other people who were positive and upbeat ended up hanging out together. I guess they made a similar pact. I met many very nice people on this trip. Each one made me feel joy. It was fun to laugh and have a good time with others. It was also good to get away from everyone too.

Ginny & Ingrid (our tour manager)

Here is my latest list “What to do to Survive a Group Tour”

• Be as independent as possible.
• Don’t expect the Tour manager to have all the answers. They won’t.
• Don’t fuss and whine….have a good time and know that life will be different. I am not home!!!
• Spend time with the group and then get off on my own.
• Don’t be afraid to venture out by myself. People are very kind and helpful.
• Don’t choose to do all the optionals (buy-in day or half day tours). Having free time gives me more time to explore and see things that no one else on the tour will see.
• Make my accommodations as nice as I can so I can easily use my room for an escape and a nice to place for quiet time.
• If there is a library on board, find it.
• Go outside often.
• Take a lot of photos but not so many that you miss the wonders with your own eyes.

Click Here for Photos of the Trip

• Look for the positive people on the tour. Enjoy doing things with others.
• Sit with many different people at meals you never know who you might meet and what you might have in common.
• If I am traveling with someone else, be very clear with each other on your expectations. Ginny and I discussed having the freedom to go do something on our own if the other person did not want to go.
• Get a money conversion chart to take with you. We were in so many countries and not all were on the Euro.
• Most of all remember, I spent good money to take this tour so go have the darn best time that you can. Each time may be a moment in time that will never repeat.

This trip felt like my returning to the world after a hard year. it was so much fun and I loved how beautiful everything was. It was magical to sit on deck and all of a sudden, there was a castle or a palace. It was like every book I have ever read brought to life on the hillsides of the Danube. It was relaxing. For 2 weeks I was surrounded by all things new and I felt my mind and heart expand as I treasured the moments.

A town along the Danube

Since Jim’s death I strongly go by the belief that I want to get the most out of every single moment of my life. Hopefully this was the start of my adventure out into the world. It still remains a one step at a time process.

So all my friends and readers, go out, explore, discover and delight in your world each day. I will be doing this one step at a time and maybe just maybe we will meet on the journey. Travel On.

Traveling is fun. Traveling can be stressful. Traveling can be tiring. Traveling with a companion, in this case my sister, can be an adventure.

September 18th Ginny and I left for Prague. After an uneventful flight (except the hard seats) I arrived in the eye candy city of Prague. Everywhere I looked there was something to see. We spent 3 nights in this beautiful city. Here is a quick synopsis of what we saw. Prague Old Town, Charles Bridge, Franz Kafka museum, The castle and the cathedral, stairs, cobblestones, The radio tower with the creeping black babies, Petrin Park, people playing marbles, and lots and lots of tourists from all over the world. And these were just a few of the highlights.

Since then I have boarded the Amadeus Brilliant River cruise ship and sailed on the Danube, visiting Bratislava, Vienna and now Budapest. I still have a week to go and am looking forward to the sights that I have yet to see.

I have decided that people are basically kind. Even when you don’t speak a common language when we have been lost and looking for help, the local people have quickly come to our aid. Not only do they help a little, at times they have gone out of their way to make sure that we were at least moderately comfortable with what we were doing or where we were going. This gives me a reminder that most people of any age are generally kind and compassionate. It also reminds me to do the same. This also allows me hope for the present and the future.

Humbleness is also part of this quotient. It is OK to ask for help and receive it kindly. And yes, men, it is OK to ask for directions. (lol)

Since Jim died I have received all kind of kindness and support. When something traumatic happens people often reach out. It is in my every day life that I will forget to continue to recognize those little moments of kindness and generosity from others. Traveling has reminded me to stay open to this small moments that may make or break my day.

Tonight we are in Vienna before heading to our next destination. I have decided to continue to absorb those moments with others and enjoy the warmth of the exchange.

NO PHOTOS…THEY WILL COME LATER….I AM UNABLE TO DOWNLOAD. DARN.

Many of you know that I have chosen to stay put, well mostly, this past spring and summer.

Grief is hard. We  know that, we have all experienced grief. Everyone grieves during the course of their life. It could be the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, a move or the loss of a body part. No one is immune from this experience. It can consume a person or it can become a teacher. Grief just is. It is not fun and oh my it can be  such hard work.

The past 6 months have found me struggling with the whole issue of grief. Grief of the loss of Jim. Grief of being diagnosed with breast cancer. I decided that I wanted to address the issue of my grief head on. I wanted to do this because I felt that by getting through the hard edge of my grief, I could lead a fuller and happier life.  Maybe I will be able to figure  out what is next if grief steps to the side. With the help of professionals, I went to work. And you know, it seems to be working. I am beginning to find joy and hope in my day. My acupuncturist tells me I am 85% done.

Am I done with the grief process? No. I think I have a ways to go. Yet compared to where I was in March I have come a distance.  I still am learning to be patient with this process. I thought, after Jim’s death, that in a few months I would be “over it”.  Well this certainly did not happen.

My friends have been ever present and supportive as well. I am so glad that all the people in my life are there. I am glad for all the people I keep meeting. And everyone helps me to the best of their ability. I am finding I have reserves now to help support and love other people. I would not have those reserves without the example of all those who continue to reach out to me and choose to actively be involved with my life.

 “My Welcome Party”

My sister, Virginia and I are going on holiday together. On Tuesday I fly to New Jersey.

Thursday we fly to Prague. After three days in this beautiful and historic city we board a Danube River Cruise ship and cruise the Danube for a week. We finish the trip in Innsbruck. I am getting anticipation excitement. As this trip has been getting closer I have found myself feeling joyous and light. About a week ago I woke up one morning and the first thought I had was that this was my welcome party. Therefore the title. This trip represents a mark in my life and in my healing process.

amadeus brilliant

I am welcoming myself back into the world. Instead of grief being in front of me with every step I take I would like to put it at a more acceptable distance. I know that I still have work to do and there will be moments, yet I want to make space for joy and curiosity and happiness. I am welcoming myself back from a hard place I have been and just maybe now, I can make this journey a bit lighter and more welcoming.

Come along if you would like. I will be posting to this blog as I journey through these countries. Hopefully I will have some great photos and stories to share. I welcome you into my world and my journey.

My Gal, Elsie

Meanwhile, Elsie the cat will be hanging at home with her house sitter.

This past week has been one of self accomplishment and a bit of pride mixed in. Hmm, what has she been doing?, you may ask.

Whistling Woman on the Subaru. Sweet!!

My kayak has been hanging from the ceiling of the garage since Jim died. It has been there because I was afraid to try to get it down and on the roof of the car by myself. A few weeks back my friend Nancy and I got both kayaks down and went for a paddle. It was amazingly wonderful. I decided that I needed to figure out how to load my kayak by myself so that I could have the freedom to take the water when I wanted. After several practice attempts, I loaded my kayak on the roof of my car and went to Mission Bay. I, not so gracefully unloaded it, got it in the water and took off for a mid-morning paddle. It felt so good to be out on the water. This is a 16 foot kayak and weighs about 45 pounds. It is not so easy to load it on the roof of my Subaru. So I did a Jim thing. I gathered information and then went and sat in the garage and stared at the car for a while and finally figured out how getting it on the roof might be accomplished. I did it. It might not have been the most graceful moment of my life but I was able to figure it out.

Getting it down was not gracefully done either, yet I did it. I had several people offer to help and I declined because I needed to know I could do it. The next time I go out, if someone offers to help, I will certainly accept the offer and let others help.

About 3 weeks ago I noticed that because some of the silicone had disappeared where the kitchen counter joins the backsplash, these little itty bitty ants were crawling in. I dislike ants. Although Eucalyptus was working I decided that maybe if I replace the silicone the ants might got away or my luck they will show up somewhere else. Thanks to YouTube I taught myself how to apply silicone and went to work. Taking the time and learning to do it right has made my counter look really nice. Now if Jim was still here he would have done this. He is not and I found I was more than up to the task.

Today, mainly out of frustration I figure out how to replace the lid switch on my clothes washer. It seems that Sears will not chat with anyone on line unless the washer is under warranty. I had a whole tub full of clothes soaking in water and I could not get the washer to drain. Once again with the help of YouTube I learned about the lid switch and how to replace it. And I did it. I had to remove the door from the area where my washer and dryer are. Once the lid switch was replaced, I got everything back the way it should be. Oh, I also found two stray socks.

This afternoon I feel such a sense of accomplishment and self worth. Even the small things can make a person feel good. As you can tell by the size of the kayak some of these things I did this week were not small. I am so thankful for the lessons I learned from Jim.

1. Walk through your fear. Fear does not accomplish anything.
2. Don’t  hurry.
3. Create a plan of action. Consider it from many different angles until you are pretty sure you have the right coarse of action.
4. Be patient.
5. It is OK to not rush through a job or project. Better to go from A. to B. to C…..
6. Asking for help or a second opinion is definitely a good thing to do. I love the Home Depot employees.
7. YouTube is a great place to start.
8. Don’t cancel your appointment with Sears until you are sure that it is running properly. I canceled my appointment this afternoon.

No matter whether the project is big or small I think any of us can tackle most of what we hire others to do. It is nice to know I have the option of hiring someone if I don’t want to take on a project.  If I want to,  I can try to figure it out on my own first. Options are good.

Now I can take a shower sit back read my book and feel that invisible pat on my back.

Ten Mile River

Almost a month  ago my friend Nancy and I took a trip to the coast of Northern California in my cute little Roadtrek. I have chosen to spend this spring and summer close to home, so it was nice to go on a short holiday.

The ranch at Ten mile River

Nancy and I are members of the Nature Conservancy Legacy Club. Once a year they invite us to see and learn about a property, somewhere in California, that is usually closed to the public. This year Nancy and I chose to go to Ten Mile River north of Mendocino, on the northern coast. We learned about the work of several conservancies to restore the endangered Coho Salmon to Northern California. We were the first Nature Conservancy group to see this beautiful ranch that ran from the Pacific Ocean to the coastal range mountains. We spent the greater part of one day hiking and exploring this property and learning what the Nature Conservancy and the ranchers are planning for this beautiful property.

When friends drive distance we talk a lot. Gossip is great and deeper meaningful conversations are the norm. A phrase that entered more than one conversations was “robbing someone of their personal joy”. I have been contemplating this statement since my return. Just this past week I have had a few moments of experiencing joy for the first time since Jim’s death. These are just brief moments (milliseconds) yet I am amazed at each one. Now I have to figure out what to do with this information and these feelings. Noticing these brief moments has made me very aware of how even the smallest moments can mean so much in  life.

                                                   More Photos of My Trip   ←(click here)

MacKerricher State Park

Redwoods in the Morning

Friends

Rather than focusing on what robs me of my joy I choose to look at what brings my joy forward. Either the glass is half empty or it is half full. Below are a few of the things in my life that make me smile and feel more fulfilled.

Elsie

• My cat, Miss Elsie. She is a delight.
• Dancing.
• An unexpected call from a friend from far away.
• Finishing a project that has been a challenge for me.
• Riding my road bike and how I feel after the ride is completed.
• Reading a good book.
• Sharing a funny story or a good memory of Jim with someone that knew us both.
• Any YouTube video that makes me chuckle or laugh out loud.
• Waking up after a good night’s sleep.
• Looking at my watercolors. I am still amazed I can paint like this.
• Feeling at peace with myself when I am alone.
• The ocean, The mountains, wilderness.
• Photography.
• Being cancer free after four year.

Joy makes me feel good inside and outside and gives me a sense of peace and well being. I look at this list and realize I have barely touched the surface.

What gives you a sense of joy in the moment?

Smiling Seals

There are many moments we all experience in our lives that we think are monumental. As I reflect back there are monumental moments in my life too. I decided to research the definition of monumental when I thought of writing this posting. Here  is what I found.

I often associate this word with something giant that is a marker of sorts in my personal life (Jim’s death, Breast Cancer) or society’s life (Landing on the Moon).  I also feel that small events in my life may be monumental as well.

About two weeks ago I decided to change my e-mail. My previous e-mail prefix was jimjanet. I decided that since change is in the air,  it might be time to create a new prefix that defines me in my current state of life. I changed it successfully, to define myself.

What I thought would be just a quick change in my communication life immediately became a monumental shift. Some of this shift was just the physical change of address. I had no idea how many user IDs and passwords are wrapped up in  my e-mail. I am still working on this angle. 

Then there is the emotional component that went into this change. Wow, my emotions have been all over the place since I decided to take this step. I had no idea that my emotions could be so wrapped around this little prefix. It is probably good that I live alone. I don’t think anyone would be able to tolerate me on a full time basis when this type of event happens. Sometimes I feel like I need to get away from me too. But…I march forward and wait it out knowing that the emotions will even out until the next monumental event happens, no matter how small.

I am also thankful to my close friends near (in San Diego) and far (Philadelphia, NC & beyond). They allow me to vent and share and cry. Then we go out to a movie or dinner and laugh and life is on track again.

I heard someone say recently that after the loss of their partner, first you just live every day. Then one day you noticed that you aren’t just managing to live through the day, you find yourself involved in life again. I am not quite there yet. There are moments of joy and light that sneak in when I am not  looking, yet I feel like I am still mainly living through each day, being thankful for  my house and yard that I am comfortable in, my friends, my cat. These are all reminders of the fullness of life. I am still moving forward, one slow  step at a time.

Joyful flowers in my yard