Category Archives: anxiety

Holding My Breath Time of the Year

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“There is nothing more essential to our health and well-being than breathing: take air in, let it out, repeat 25,000 times a day. “

Breathe

To inhale and exhale air: breathe deeply now; to be alive; to whisper: Don’t breathe a word of this to your mother.

To be alive; live: A nicer person has never breathed.

To pause to rest or regain breath: Give me a moment to breathe.

Breathe Easily/Easy/Freely

To be relaxed or relieved, especially after a period of tension.


Every fall, I arrive back in San Diego to visit my friends, enjoy a warm early winter, and get all my medical appointments and dental work done for the year. It is a mix of joy, seeing friends I haven’t seen since last year and getting all my appointments lined up.

This is a Hold My Breath Time of Year.

I have had cancer twice. Twelve years ago, I had breast cancer, a rare (not always a welcome word) form of cancer. After a lumpectomy and treatment with radiation, I was finished treatment. That was followed by a five-year treatment plan, taking a pill every day. Suppression is key. Although I was never told I was cancer-free, I have had “no evidence of disease” now for eleven years.

In 2019, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I had surgery to remove my thyroid and then received treatment with radioactive iodine. Thyroxine is taking over the function of the thyroid in a dose to suppress any thyroid tissue growth.

And then there is the dentist. I don’t have the best teeth and gums in the world. It is somewhat hereditary. If I ever go to the dentist and get good news, I become suspicious that something was overlooked. Sigh.

Every year, when the appointments begin, I metaphorically “hold my breath.” I wait for the tests and the results to come pouring in.

Two weeks ago, I had my thyroid labs done and had a visit with the endocrinologist. Everything looks good. I let out my breath a little.

Today, my annual mammogram was done. A little more breath was released. Now I wait. Each day without a phone call means that my mammogram is normal. Each day, I exhale a bit more and inhale more deeply. The final exhale will arrive when I read the results of the mammogram and am told I am good for another year.

Then there is the dentist. Oh my, the dentist. I am not free and clear here. Surgery is looming this winter. Sigh. After two deep cleanings, I need to wait for a month and a half to see how this treatment worked. I don’t hold my breath for the dentist. I am used to bad news from this quarter. I also know that the treatments are not life-threatening. Bad diagnoses are normal, and when I am given good news, I don’t know that I trust the results. Once the news, bad or good, is given, a little more release of breath occurs.

Finally, I return to breathing normally, whatever that means. I can release and let go for another year. My anxiety settles, and I can resume breathing in and out, fully and deeply.

Breath is to yoga what water is to a fish: essential for movement and life force. Consider this Sanskrit proverb: “For breath is life, and if you breathe well, you will live long on earth.”

Taking five minutes out of my day to practice yogic breathing helps to decrease my stress and anxiety while waiting for appointments and test results. As each year passes, it becomes easier for me to remember to breathe and relax most of the time. The further I get from the C word, the easier it is to find calm in chaos.

Today, I am thankful for being in a country with good medicine and good people working in the medical field. Their warm greetings help allay my free-floating anxiety.

Today, I am thankful for all the years of yogic practice that have given me the simple and valuable tool of breath.

Today, I am thankful for Breathing.

Packrat-0:Janet-Won, Again!

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“A bushy-tailed rodent (Neotoma cinerea) of western North America that has well-developed cheek pouches and that hoards food and miscellaneous objects.”

“The earliest record of packrats occurs in the late Miocene period; Packrats are an example of what we call “Pleistocene survivors,” which means that they are still alive today.””

Last week, I was in Carpenteria, California, having some work done on my rig. Carpenteria is close to Santa Barbara on the west coast. The town is quirky and beachy, with some fine restaurants and coffee houses.

One of the best camping spots is Carpenteria State Beach Campground. It sits right on the Pacific Ocean. Low tides are wonderful opportunities to stroll the beach, and the sunsets are amazing. It is so calming camping right next to the ocean. I decided to spend an extra night. I had a campsite on the low cliff looking out over the ocean. It was an amazing spot to fall asleep and wake up listening to the sound of the surf.

On my last night, I was sitting in my front seat, which swivels to face the back. It is my living room. The side door was open, and the evening was pleasant until…Wait, I felt something brush my leg. I sat up to look down and darn if a packrat didn’t run up my foot. Being the girly girl that I am (NOT!!), I screamed, and the little critter went running down the aisle of my rig and disappeared. Oh, what have I done? Where did he go? Oh no!

Thus began the saga of Janet trying to outsmart a very smart little animal. I bought a small trap with some doubt it would work. I thought this animal was too big, but all the information I read told me it would work. I baited the traps, 3 of them, with peanut butter. Around midnight, I heard this dear ratty dragging one of the traps around the front floor of my vehicle. Well, that didn’t work. Today I cannot find one of these traps. I don’t know where it has gone. I don’t think it would be able to drag it into a small space.

The next morning, I found some fuzz on the floor in front of the driver’s seat. It had been pulling bits off my sheepskin seat covers. Well, that wouldn’t do. I began to prepare my van like I was going to war. What did I do?

  • Everything was put away, and all the floors were swept and cleaned.
  • I put covers over the front seats.
  • All food was put away. I moved the foodstuff around, so only sealed containers were in the one cabinet with a hole for access in the top.
  • I put steel wool in the hole as a deterrent.
  • Nothing was left on the counters.
  • My yarns for crocheting were put in a secure place.
  • The garbage can was in the bathroom at night; he could not access this room.
  • I started my day cleaning and ended my day doing the exact same thing.

I cleaned and organized. My rig has not looked this clean and welcoming in a long time. After all, I live alone, and if I want to be a bit messy, I can.

The next stop was the hardware store to buy a HaveaHart trap. I wanted to catch this rat and give it a new home. I bought the X-Small one and baited it. On night two, he waited until three a.m. to descend from the walls of my rig. I heard him chewing on something. Well, that is not good!

In the morning, I discovered he had successfully eaten the bait without triggering the trap and had torn the side of a basket container apart. Oh no, I didn’t want it making a nest and setting up house. Another trip to the hardware store was in order. I needed the next size larger trap. And just to be on the safe side, I bought a snap trap to kill it if the live trapping idea did not work.

Yesterday afternoon, I set both traps and left for a party. I knew if I stayed at the rig, I would sit there and be obsessed about the possible damage it was doing somewhere in my rig.

I returned around 8:30 p.m., thinking it would not be in the trap yet as he usually did not appear until the wee hours of the morning. After turning on the lights, I immediately checked the larger trap, and there he was. A big one. No wonder I screamed when it ran up my foot.

Ratty waiting to be Released

It is important to release a trapped animal a distance from where it was caught. At nine pm, I found myself driving the pack rat about five miles away to a canyon. It was a perfect place for this rat. It was perfect because it was far away from my rig. I said farewell and left in a hurry so it wouldn’t find its way back to my rig.

When I arrived back at the campsite, I spent an hour cleaning, sanitizing, and getting my rig back in order.

I had not realized how absorbed I had gotten in tracking this critter down. I worried and fussed and could feel the stress. The fact that I was not getting a good night’s sleep did not help. After I cleaned and sanitized, I felt such relief. The air in my rig felt clearer, and I relaxed and let go. After four days of tracking this little one down, it was such a relief to let the whole experience go and have my home back.

Ratty, the Pack Rat, is back in a natural environment, and I have gotten a few good nights’ sleep. Things are looking up.

Today, I am thankful that I was able to get Ratty back into a natural environment without killing it. Today, I am thankful that I can look at a situation and figure out solutions. Today, I am thankful that I remember to breathe. Today, I am thankful that the air smells sweeter and feels lighter.

Today, I am Thankful.

An Amazon River Adventure is Ready to Begin

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After traveling to the east coast, visiting friends along the way, and having some exciting adventures I am at the precipice of a part of the spring and summer travel plan. In two days I will be flying to Fort Lauderdale, Florida to meet up with a small group of people to fly to the Amazon River in Brazil.

Wait a minute did I just say I am going to the Amazon, the River, Brazil? Yes, that is exactly what I said. I will be spending twelve days aboard the Dorinha. I will be traveling with Amazonia Expeditions on a privately arranged trip. Some of the passengers I know and some I will get to know shortly. In two days.

Two to three times each day we leave our home boat and explore different areas in skiffs or canoes. The flora and fauna are all new. Everything will be exciting and different and new. That is the fun of international travel.

Here are some interesting facts about this mighty river.

  • The Amazon River Once Flowed in the Opposite Direction Between 65 and 145 million years ago, the Amazon River flowed towards the Pacific Ocean, in the opposite direction it flows today. Where the Amazon River’s mouth sits today, there was once a highland that allowed for this westerly flow. The rise of the Andes Mountains in the west forced the Amazon River to reverse course.
  • It’s the Largest River in the World by Volume. The Amazon River has the largest volume of freshwater of any river in the world. The River releases around 200,000 liters of freshwater into the ocean every second. Together, this freshwater flow accounts for nearly 20% of all river water that enters the sea.
  • It is the Second Longest River on Earth. At about 4,000 miles long, the Amazon River is the second-longest river in the world. The Amazon’s impressive length is exceeded by the 4,132-mile-long Nile River.
  • It’s Home to the Amazon River Dolphin, also known as the pink river dolphin, and is one of just four species of “true” river dolphins.
  • It’s Named After a Greek Myth. According to Greek mythology, the “Amazons” were a group of nomadic female warriors that roamed around the Black Sea.
  • A Family Canoed to the Amazon River from Canada. In 1980, Don Starkell and his two sons, Dana and Jeff, left Winnipeg on a canoe towards the Amazon River. Jeff abandoned the trip when they reached Mexico, but Don and Dana ventured on. Nearly two years later, the father-son duo reached the Amazon. By the end of the trip, they had canoed over 12,000 miles.
  • It Has Over 100 Dams 
  • The Amazon River has no Bridges. All 10 million people who live on the banks of the Amazon River can only cross the freshwater flow by boat. The lack of bridges is due, in part, to the seasonal changes in the Amazon River bed. During the rainy season, the Amazon River can rise over 30 feet, tripling the width of the River in some places.
  • It Crosses Through Four Countries. The Amazon River passes through Brazil, Columbia, Peru, and Venezuela, with Brazil holding by far the largest portion of the River.  
  • It’s Where 40% of All Water in South America Ends Up. The Amazon River’s height rises substantially in the rainy season because around 40% of all of South America’s water ends up in the River.

This river will be my home for 12 days. I am excited and a bit anxious all at the same time. Excited most people can understand. Why anxious? I love to travel. It was my job for thirteen years. I was an International Tour Manager, taking people on tours to Mexico, the Panama Canal, and throughout the United States and Canada.

The unknown makes me a bit anxious. Have I packed the right things? Are my flights all status quo? What if I miss the boat? (that is almost guaranteed not to happen on this trip. What if I get sick? What will travel post Covid be like? What if other members of the group don’t like me? What if, What if, What if….????

I am thankful that I can find things to keep myself busy. It helps keep the anxiousness at bay. I breathe often, deep and slow and relaxing. I take the kayak out. I go on a bike ride. Tonight I went over to the dam and watched a female duck try to convince the last of the babies to come up over the dam. It didn’t work but it was entertaining to watch. Diversion helps get rid of being anxious.

Above the Dam
Below the Dam

Monday I check my list. I make sure that everything is ready to go – I am ready to go and my stuff is ready to travel with me.

And then…I take a deep breath and head off into the unknown.

The Adventure of the Anxious Traveler

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Navajo National Monument

Since leaving San Diego, I have had a beautiful ride and some nice hikes in my favorite parts of the United States. I have visited friends and helped out where I can. It has been a relaxing and easy time.

As I was crossing the Navajo Reservation, I found, although I was enjoying the scenery, I was anxious. The closer I got to Durango, CO the more my anxiety increased. I tried breathing. I tried diverting my thoughts. And finally I took a Xanax.

Rafting the Animas, Durango

The big question, why was I so anxious? I love this area of Colorado. It has a bit of a feeling of coming home. Why the anxiety?

  • Jim and I bought 45 acres of property here, in 1999. It was going to be our retirement home. We have upgraded the property. For the first couple of years after Jim died I was unable to come to Durango, much less visit the property. Last year I realized that 45 acres was more than I wanted to manage on my own and I put it on the market.
  • I have a good realtor. I have a lawyer that is making sure all my paperwork is in order. I have good friends here who offer to help me any way they can. Yet I find it is hard to let go. I try to keep the emotions out of this sale. It is, at times, hard to do.
  • As I drive across this great country I have a lot of time to think. If I focus too much on the issues with my thyroid and cancer I get a little anxious. Have I made the right choice to wait until fall? How long do I have to live? How long do any of us have to live? Why does the diagnosis of cancer create all these mixed up emotions in anyone? Well aren’t these just a bunch of loaded questions.

Very good friends

What surprises me about anxiety is that it shows up suddenly. I have done little to precipitate it. I would like to tell it to go away. If only it was that easy. On the drive into Durango, I diverted my attention with a qood audio-book. This technique helps a lot. It has to be a captivating book. Stopping to take photos also helps me refocus (sic). I know I can reach out to friends as well. Not that afternoon as I was driving in and out of cell range.

I have been in Durango for two days now. I have had a chance to visit with friends, meet my realtor, and take care of some business. I have gotten one good bike ride in and I am doing better. The anxiety is less, yet I still feel it simmering in the deep backgrounds of my being. I am breathing more, throwing in a little meditation and reminding myself that this is just property and as others have said to me, “it is just business”.

I am choosing to find things to do that bring me joy. That has helped lessen the anxiety a lot. If you have never been to this country, joy to me, is being outside and in nature. I can hike, bike, walk and more. There are lovely stores in town that cry out to be explored. The art galleries are my favorite. I may even go off to the hot springs and soak. There is a lot to do in Durango.

I am more than coping. I am being adult when I need to be and then I can drop that and go off and explore and enjoy my day. I am remembering to breath. It is good to inhale spring at elevation. The sky is clearer and bluer. The mountains are an amazing backdrop. I think I will kick anxiety out the door and go and enjoy my day.