Category Archives: Grief and adventure

Remembering Jim: Love, Loss, and Lifelong Adventures

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“I talk about him because I’m proud.
I talk about him, because he deserves to be remembered.
I talk about him, because even though he’s not physically with me, he’s never far from my mind.
I talk about him because he’s part of me, a part that I could never ignore or disown.
I talk about him because I love him still, and I always will. Forever. Nothing will ever change that.”
I Talk About Him/Scribbles & Crumbs

On October 9, 2012, Jim, my husband entered the hospital for the last time. Neither of us knew that he would not leave and come home. Neither of us thought that the end of his life was around the corner. Neither of us knew.

Thirteen years ago on October seventeenth my husband of 21 years died. He entered the hospital the day before his birthday. Almost two weeks later, he died the day after my birthday. Yes October is a emotionally mixed month for me.

Oh, and wait a minute. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I know that some people who have had breast cancer are dedicated to this month. I thank them for that. I, though from the beginning of having breast cancer in 2010 have wanted nothing to do with this month. I don’t want pink anything. I want to move forward without the celebration and thinking of myself as a survivor. I want to live.

Welcome to October
Always an action packed emotional month.

It seems strange to think it has been thirteen years since Jim’s death. Sometimes it seems like it has been that long. Other days, it feels like it was yesterday. Sigh.

I spent most of my younger adult life thinking that I was going to be single my whole adult life. I made it to 38 and then Jim showed up and my life changed forever.

Each year I take time to remember Jim in writing, in thought and in love.

Jim & me dancing Contra Dance

Many relationships were made and dismantled on the dance floor of the New England Contra Dance community. If you have never tried this form of folk dance I suggest you try it. It is so much fun and it is certainly a way to meet people and make friends. And, oh the music! One night, this tall blue-eyed man showed up. That ended the idea of being single for the rest of my life.

Scottish Country Dance Ball

Jim followed me to other dance communities. He became a fine Scottish Country Dancer. We ballroom danced and chose to try several other forms of dance in communities around San Diego. It was fun. He did a mean waltz and polka. It was so much fun to have a dance partner.

The connection was strong and within a year we were a couple. I moved from San Diego in the fall of that year. I became a traveling nurse with Albuquerque as my destination. He didn’t want a long distance relationship. I said “How do you know if you don’t try it?”

Four months passed. Jim and I made several trips between Albuquerque, NM and San Diego, CA. I returned to the west coast and Jim. We moved in together and became a life couple. Was he my soul mate? I don’t know. I do know that even if it wasn’t perfect it was pretty darn close. From the moment we started to date we were close.

Everything was shared. Each month I would hike into the mountains to contemplate whether this was still a relationship I wanted. He would roll his eyes and waved me off. I would come back for another month. When I asked him if he had any doubts. He looked me in the eyes and said no. Eventually the monthly journeys move to every six months and then every year. I continued to hike and contemplate this wonderful relationship once a year until his death.

I have always been an explorer and adventure traveler. He joined me.

We took the train to Oregon. We climbed old growth Douglas Firs. and camped in the top of the trees. Did you know that there are no mosquitoes 25 feet above the ground? Since we were camped over 100 feet off the ground we were never bothered by those pesky little creatures.

Tree Climbing & Tree Sleeping

One year we kayaked the Nā Pali  Coast off the coast of Kauai. The only way to see this coast is by helicopter or boat. On one of the short kayaks, we sailed through the air on the backside of a wave. Other travelers kept saying, “this doesn’t look good.” It wasn’t but oh the fun. We survived. When we finally kayaked the 15 miles down the Nā Pali coast, we went into caves. We greeted sea turtles swimming by. We got to see firsthand this amazing and remote coast.

Another Hawaii trip found us inner tubing through the sugar cane fields and kayaking the rivers on Kauai. This and the Big Island were our favorites places to visit in the 50th state.

On Tour of the Galapagos Islands

Other adventures included Ecuador and the Galapagos Islands. We Winter Camped and snowshoe hiked in Yellowstone National Park. We camped and explored Canyon de Chelly in Arizona by horseback. Jim had never been on a horse in his life. When a friend invited us to join her for a long weekend in Alaska. We enjoyed a long weekend of cross country skiing, yoga, and contra dancing. Always dancing. We explored our country, the outback and the cities.

Due to Jim’s love of astronomy we finally saw the total solar eclipse over Angkor Wat in Cambodia. During the summer months, the California desert becomes too hot. He would load all his astronomy equipment in the car and we headed to the desert. We camped in the remote areas of Anza Borrego State Park. There, we would stare at the heavens and talk into the early hours of the morning. The key to summer visits is to arrive after 5 pm. Be ready to leave by nine in the morning. Even in the summer the evenings are cool and pleasant. And…there is no one else out there.

Then there was the Grand Canyon, one of the seven natural wonders of the world. Jim and I hiked it a couple of times. The real life changer happened when we decided to take a river raft adventure. It lasted 15 days with friends from Lee’s Ferry to Diamond Creek.

Looking out at the Mighty Colorado

At first Jim wasn’t sure he wanted to go. It was too long. What would he do if he got bored? I made one phone call to a long time friend, Sharon, who had rafted the canyon several times. After his conversation with her, he hung up and we made reservations. After that trip we always talked about “Before Grand Canyon” and “After Grand Canyon”.

This is a description of some of our travels. There were so many more adventures than listed here. We were always looking for the next new adventure. It was such a great experience to have someone to share the unique and normal with.

Now I carry on alone but not really. I carry remembrance of him and our life with me. I move forward toward the next adventure. And I carry the joy of those 21 years with me as I grow and change and remember. Some people have said that I should let him go and move on. I am not sure what letting him go means. How can I do that? Those 21 years changed my life. They made me grow into the person I am today. I carry my growth with me always.

I continue to adventure by myself. My friend in our soft adventures is gone. I wonder sometimes how different my life would have been if he was still here today. Yes, I have no doubt I would still be with him. I would still be taking the hike into the mountains every year. I would watch as he waved me off. And then another year would unfold.

Today I am thankful for Jim, for our positive and wonderful relationship. I am thankful to move forward and be so much more than before I met him. Today I am thankful for Jim and all those years of adventure and wonder.

Hmmm…Where to next?

Honoring Jim: A Legacy of Love and Community Support

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Twelve years ago, my husband, Jim, died. It was such a heartbreaking moment in time. It took me a long time to meet him, and he died too soon. He had just turned sixty. Sigh.

We had such a good relationship. It was not perfect, but it was pretty darn close. We laughed and explored life together. He saw things in me that I never knew existed. I helped him create his adventuresome side. As Jim would say “We’re a team”. And what a team it was. And even though it is twelve years, I miss him dearly.

At this time of the year, I like to remind people about the scholarship I created in his name. The Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship was created at Grossmont Community College in San Diego. Jim was a believer in education for all people. The Scholarship is doing well. We have actually increased the amount offered to a student each semester. I feel good that people donate and the fund is managed well. It was a good thing to do. He would be proud.

I have given some thought to this usual reminder of Jim, our life, and the scholarship. This is like raising money for public radio. There is so much going on in this world and so much need for money and time. Since the scholarship is going well, I would prefer to ask for contributions to other causes.

So many people have experienced hard times over these last few months. When requesting donations, I decided to focus on helping others this year. The Hurricane Relief Funds need everyone’s contributions. Yes, the first helping phase has been in effect for a while. Many of us know that it takes a long time for things to return to normal, whatever that is. The hard work often begins when early help is completed.

Donations in cash are the best choice. Here are some organizations that need our financial help.

North Carolina Disaster Relief Fund: Governor Roy Cooper of North Carolina encourages individuals to donate. Contributions to the North Carolina Disaster Relief Fund will help communities recover from the extensive damage Helene has caused. Donations can be made by visiting NC.gov/donate. All donations will go to nonprofits working to meet the immediate needs of storm victims.

The Florida Disaster Fund: The Florida Disaster Fund is the State of Florida’s official private fund. It was established to assist Florida’s communities. The fund helps as they respond to and recover during times of emergency or disaster. You can donate online, by mail or with PayPal. 

One SC Fund: 99% of donations are granted to local nonprofits providing disaster relief and recovery in South Carolina. The remaining 1% are directed to outreach, research, reporting, and the administration and oversight of grant contracts. Donations to support Hurricane Helene relief can be made online. 

East Tennessee Foundation Neighbor to Neighbor Disaster Relief Fund: This fund exclusively aids the response and recovery in East Tennessee. It focuses on helping after the devastating impact of Hurricane Helene. Donate online.  

The Humane Society Emergency Animal Relief Fund. We can’t forget all our furry friends and their need for rescue, food, and recovery.

These are a few suggestions. Some will contribute $5, while others will contribute more. No amount is too small or too large. Listen to your heart and your pocketbook.

As another year of life unfolds, I continue to move ahead alone. I acknowledge the continuing phases of grief as I try to embrace life and others to the fullest. I will always be thankful for the time I had with Jim. It was an incredible time of my life and such a gift. Now, I can help others, which must be enough.

Today, I am thankful that I am alive and can continue to move ahead with my life. I am thankful for the time I had with Jim. I am thankful that the Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship is performing so well. I am thankful for those who have loved and supported me. Now, I am thankful that I can help others.

Today, I am Thankful.

Catching Up

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Happy New Year Friends!

Oooh, I know it has been too long since my last post when friends started to email or phone me to find out how I am doing. It makes me feel like I have not been faithful to updates and adventures.

I am still in San Diego. I am camped by Mission Bay and enjoying my mornings outside or inside my Roadtrek, EmmyLou. I also bike and kayak a little and visit friends. Each year, I arrive in November to have my medical and dental done, visit friends, and enjoy the days as it becomes colder and snowier in other parts of the United States.

First Update: So far, all my medical is looking good, and I am ready for another year. I am almost complete for another year. I am still waiting on the dental part of this picture. I have become very good at helping my dentist and others in his office enjoy their lifestyle. Come February, I will know if I have the all-clear with the dental part of this. Sigh.

Second Update: I have a favorite saying, first found on Ram Dass’s website; “We’re just walking each other home.” This year I have decided to remain in San Diego longer than usual. A friend of mine’s husband died in early December. She has very good friends and support within the local community. She has turned to me for support and companionship. I have something that many have not yet experienced: the loss of my heart, my husband Jim, who died over eleven years ago.

I consciously decided to stay around for a while to see her get back on her feet and face the world in this weird new role she has found herself in. Grief and loss is hard. Some days, it slaps one in the face, and others are softer and gentler.

But loss does not stop the world. I had so much to do that first year after Jim’s death. Lawyers, accountants, Social Security, Financial institutions, work, finding homes for his “stuff” and treasures, and more. I wish I had had someone to help me navigate all of this. My sister and a friend, Helen, arrived shortly after Jim’s death, which was very helpful. Once they left, I was on my own.

Diversion is helpful, and I think I am providing my friend with some helpful diversion and a shoulder to lean on. We talk, drink wine, and find things to do locally. Sometimes, crying is involved; other times, we laugh and talk. We share a love of books. Grief is not always about being sad. It encompasses the whole gambit of emotions. I am still learning to embrace all of them. 

This is what friendship is about. I also think that I am healing myself in this choice I have made.

Third Update: Christmas was quiet this year. I house-sat for my good friends, with whom I spent the first COVID year. They were out of town, and I had a real house. They have the best couch. It is one of my favorite pieces of furniture in the house. It sucks you right in and is so comfortable.

My good friend Pat and her family had me over for Christmas Day. It was a day of relaxation and the joy of being included. Sometimes I get tired of my own company, then it is good to have friends come to the rescue.

Pat, Tessa & Elepjhants

Fourth Update: A good friend from San Juan Island in Washington arrived a week ago in Long Beach, California. We decided to connect as it has been over a year since we have seen each other. For two wonderful days, we camped north of Laguna Beach in one of my favorite State Parks in southern California, Crystal Cove State Park. We walked the beach at an extremely low tide and talked. It was a good getaway, and catching up was so much fun. She owns a Roadtrek too.

Darn She Found Us Again!

Fifth Update: I am back at the park by the bay after caring for two kitties for a few days. I wish I could say that the kitties were fun and that they hung out with me, but I spent my two days lying on the floor, talking to them while they hid from me and giving them skritches when they would allow it. CATS!!!!!

People ask me what I am doing next. Honestly, I don’t know! Plans formulate slowly for me. I have a hard time planning most of my life. I am such a procrastinator. I know I will be heading for the desert soon, at least for a few days. Friends are arriving, and I must go visit. And the desert is so beautiful at this time of the year.

Until then, I am biking and kayaking, enjoying the bay and my friends. Today, I discovered that on Fridays, a group of people gather in the recreation hall and play music. Today there are at least fifteen. And…it is my kind of music. I could contradance to it. Sweet.

Today I am thankful for friendship and growth. Today I am thankful for Procrastination. Today I am Thankful.

A Hard Day with my teacher-Grief.

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Eleven years but who is counting? I guess I am. Eleven years ago yesterday Jim, my husband died. Eleven years is sometimes a long time and sometimes it is yesterday.

Morning on the Lake

Yesterday morning I awoke on the shores of Lake of the Ozarks, took my coffee to the water’s edge, and watched a stunning fall morning unfold. This is my reflecting time. I ponder and wonder at the mystery of it all.

Yesterday was a hard day for me, physically. I was exhausted. It wasn’t a normal exhaustion, it was bone-wearying. I could hardly move from my rig to the picnic table. I had all these plans for yesterday. The only thing I accomplished was a languid rambling walk, followed by a nap. I never feel like this, Never. Then I realized grief had shown up once again in my life. It is always in the background somewhere but yesterday it said hello and popped up into the foreground of that moment of my life. If I couldn’t move then I decided not to move. I read and napped and gave myself permission to just be.

I have had six good friends die within the past eight months. That is a lot. I think the grieving I feel for their loss and the loss of Jim made me give up and accept that yesterday I could not be a superhero and I needed to give in to this and love myself. And so I did.

Grief is still a mystery to me. It appears that it is something that will never go away. It just continues to shift and move and mold to the moment. I am learning that it is important to put grief in its appropriate place in my life. Like fear, I wonder if I can make grief my ally. What if I can make this feeling and emotion help me move forward. What if I let grief guide me to a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me and give me guidance on how to support and love others.

When I feel grief to the intensity I did yesterday, a full-body type of grief, I am in the moment, not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow. It is one of the things I remember most about the last days of Jim’s life. He was certainly in the moment and so was I. There was nothing beyond each moment for both of us. It was intensely emotional and heart felt. It almost felt like a blessing to be in its presence.

Janet & Jim in Peru

Today I am back on the road. I have about two weeks until I arrive in San Diego. It is time for my annual check-ups. It is time to visit with friends. Today it is Oklahoma, tomorrow it will probably still be Oklahoma. These are big states. I am enjoying the fall foliage.

Today I am thankful for recognizing grief as a teacher. Today I am thankful for giving myself a break.

Today I am Thankful.

Wide Open Lonely Country

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I have been traveling the Trans-Labrador Highway west to east for the past six days. It is a wide open, lonely land with firs covering more distance than anyone can imagine. They are usually short scrubby trees indicating the long, harsh winters, the winds, and the terrain. As I red approached the Atlantic the land has become more open glaciated terrain. And then there is water. Lakes, Rivers, Streams, Bogs, and Brooks. 

I drove into this country not knowing what to expect. It was not on my original route. Over the first few days, this wild space embraced me. It gave me time to think, feel, ponder, and recognize the loneliness of the land and myself. Until the third day, the only time I spoke with someone was when I filled up my thirsty gas tank. Then it was off into the wilderness again. 

Boondocking

Each day, I pulled into camp around three in the afternoon. I was dry camping or boondocking. I would find a dirt road and pull in to see if there was a good, hopefully level spot to camp for the night. 

Then I would wander, down to the river, out into the woods to see what my home was for those twelve hours. I would return to my rig when the black flies would become too much to bear. This was my routine each night.

And I thought and pondered. Being alone is hard, being alone is easy. Being alone way out here is just, alone. 

Several years ago there was a woman who had recently bought a Roadtrek and began to travel with her dog. I never met her but was in touch with her by email and on Facebook. Her life was a struggle and had appeared to be so for quite some time. Sometime in that year she went into the mountains of the southeastern United States and died. I was going to say committed suicide but that is a term I am not always comfortable with. One night I thought about her as dusk turned to night. 

I wonder if her loneliness was profound and there was no other way out. It is hard to have someone end their life like this. I always want to understand why. Often there is no answer. What makes one person choose this way out and another struggle to find solid ground and become richer for the experience of thinking about this and choosing life?

Have I thought about this? Yes, I have. Those first years after Jim’s death were hard. The grief was hard. The loss was hard. The balance in my life was sent off kilter and I needed to find it again. Sometimes when life is hard, we think of easy ways out. I don’t think suicide is an easy way out. I believe it is something people struggle with for a long time before coming to the acceptance that this is the way to leave this world. For others like me, I take a deep breath and strive to find purpose and balance again in my life. I am still working on it.

I mourned her loss that evening and embraced the grief and the struggle that her death brought to me. I have not thought of her in a long time but a few nights in the wide-open lonely country gave me a chance to mourn her loss and say goodbye.

I have had to say farewell to some good friends over the past couple of years. My past year has been a bit overwhelming with friends who have stepped out of this world. I have taken some time on this trip to think of each one and embrace my sense of loss and say my own farewell to them out in this wide open lonely country.

Chris McCandless left his home on the east coast of the United States and traveled across the United States and into Alaska. He was another soul who was a bit lost. He finally found a bus and made it his home in the wilds of Alaska. He died there as well. The wilderness can call a person and welcome them in. If a person is not aware it can pull them in so strongly that they never leave again. Maybe they are not prepared for the harsh unforgiving land, not enough food, not the right gear, not enough knowledge going in. I have thought about him and about how the outback of Alaska may have given him some comfort as he unsuccessfully tried to survive. The wilderness of the land and the wildness of the soul can be harsh and unforgiving teachers. 

I have been in the wilderness before but nothing like the country I am in now. I admit that I could have come a bit more prepared. My rig is good and she got me through these long days with ease. Good for you EmmyLou I appreciate her so much. A good and fine home. How could I have been more prepared?

I did let my one sister know where I was heading and when I would be taking the ferry to “The Rock”-Newfoundland.

Each day brought no cell phone reception. If something had gone wrong with me or the rig there was no way to reach out. Next time I will bring a satellite radio. It is good to be prepared. There were cars and trucks on the road so I would not have been alone for long. People out in this country are kind and thoughtful and will reach out to the person stranded on the side of the road. 

This morning I am sitting at a pullover writing this before I enter back into the land of people and tourism.  Out there on this body of water next to my rig are loons calling into this wild land. Last night I heard an Elk bugle, waking me from a sound sleep. I feel like I drove into this country one person and am leaving more settled and aware of what may be important to my life at this moment. 

It is a wild lonely country out here. I am grateful today for the experience of it. I am more than thankful that I was able to enjoy it end to end without mishap. Today I am thankful that I will acclimate back into the life of people. I am in Red Bay and oh look…there is a restaurant. Breakfast anyone?

Limping Into my Seventies

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For over thirty years I have been a dancer. Scottish Country Dancing-Check. English Morris Dancing-Check. New England Contradancing, English Country Dancing, Irish Dancing, International Folk Dancing, Ballroom Dancing, Ballet-Check. I love to dance. It makes me feel alive in a way not much else does.

Contradancing
A Viennese Waltz
English Country Dance Ball
Scottish Country Dance Ball

I have also been a backpacker, hiker, walker, and more. I have trekked the Himalayas and visited one of the fourteeners in Southern Colorado. I have hiked in Southeast Asia, the Andes, Ecuador, and the Galapagos Islands. Hiking is a part of my life here in the United States and Canada. I love to hike.

Hiking in Peru
Hiking Goat Canyon Trestle
Backpacking in Idyllwild
Hiking in the Desert

For the past two-plus years I have been dealing with foot issues. First, my left ankle became swollen and sore. The side of my ankle blew up and, for a while, I could not find my ankle bone. Finally with the help of Chiropractics, Physical Therapy, Active Release Technique, Acupuncture, and Myofascial Release I discovered my ankle bone again. The swelling and intermittent pain never went away and remains today.

A year later my right heel developed swelling in a funny area. I continued with all the above treatments and it made it better but it did not go away. On bad days I put it in a boot. Everything made it better but the underlying issue never went away.

When I returned to San Diego in November I decided it was time to talk to my internist. I decided to get western medicine involved. After a set of foot and ankle x-rays, I have a diagnosis. It appears I have chronic Tendonosis from over-use. Well yeah! They also found a type of bone spur called Haglund’s Deformity. It is an abnormality of the foot bone and soft tissues. An enlargement of the bony section of the heel triggers this condition. It frequently can cause bursitis of the soft tissue and swelling of the Achilles tendon insertion point. The doctor told me that it may be genetic and often starts as a bone spur.

How do they treat it? Well, it is something that I will most likely have to live with for the rest of my life. The main treatment is to treat the symptoms.

  • Wear Orthotics
  • Use Heel Lifts
  • Ice it once a day
  • Perform stretching exercises daily
  • If it is really sore stay off of it
  • I walk with hiking poles all the time now. It helps redistribute the weight and I am able to still get exercise.

What happens if all this fails? Surgery. Each heel would take about a year to heal. Sigh.

Here is what I do know. I will most likely never dance again. It will irritate the condition and make it worse. Oh, Huge Giant Sigh. I am able to walk but not distance like I used to and I am slower. When my ankle or ankles act up I take a day off and give them a rest.

I know that many of you may wonder why I am writing about this. I have been going through grief for the loss of a lifestyle. Yes, I do know there are many who are worse off than me. I get that and I understand. But this is about me and it is a focus of my life at the moment and I am worried and concerned. And I am sad. Things are changing and it is going to take me time to adapt.

I need to allow myself to grieve and hopefully, my friends are able to understand this is normal and support me in this process. I don’t need to be told that I am strong and will adjust. I don’t want my friends to blow this off as something minor. I don’t need people reminding me of how I used to be. Telling me that I used to be such a good hiker does not help me now. For me, at the moment in time, this is a major event in my life. And I am adjusting to change.

What can my friends do to help?

  • Love me just the way I am.
  • When friends and I go for a three-mile hike (with poles) know that you might have to hike slower and not go as far. Save your hard hike for another time and let’s enjoy each other’s company.
  • Don’t remind me of what I used to be able to do, I am fully aware of this.
  • Informing me that I will adapt, does not help.
  • Please don’t tell me the horror stories of others. Positivity is a plus.
  • Know that I am on it as far as deciding what will work and what will not work for me.
  • Be patient and be kind.

This is a good reminder for me to be gentle and loving with others. None of us know fully what others are going through unless we have the inside story and even then we may not know the extent of emotions that are running through another persons life. My feet are reminding me once again to be patient and kind and to listen, really listen to my friends and to others.

I am limping into my 70’s, literally. I am still a full and functioning human being with much to be thankful for. The limping could certainly go away and I would be so appreciative if it did. I am working on it and still moving forward. I mean what else can I do? Staying frozen in time has never worked for anyone. Even if it is with a limp, I will continue to move forward to whatever door opens next.

Today I am thankful. I am thankful for all those years of dancing and the joy it brings to me. I am thankful for hiking and at the moment I am really thankful for hiking poles. I am thankful for the doctors that can help me diagnose my lovely feet and ankles. Today I am thankful for acknowledging grief and being with it so I can move through this phase and move on to my next adventure in life.

Still…Memories

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When I sold my house five years ago, I was not ready to let go of all of my “things”. Emotionally I was not ready to let go of the physical memories of my time with Jim, my husband. Jim died of cancer in late 2012.

I rented a storage unit and moved the things I wanted to keep into this space. It included two sixteen-foot kayaks, a dresser, desk, entertainment center, and more. I have a 150 cc scooter that lives there until I visit San Diego. Every year on my return to the Southern California area I visit the locker and relish my brief time with these treasured items. I especially love looking at my watercolors. Yes, I used to paint.

Each year I return I review everything in the unit and decided what to keep and what needs to go. One year I sold the kayaks to a friend in San Diego. Another year the dresser went to another friend who loves the Mission Style furniture. The computer desk and file cabinet went.

This year I sold the desk that Jim had bought for me. It is a beautiful cherry wood desk. Although I knew this was the right move it brought forward emotions I did not expect. I like meeting the people that buy these items. I like knowing it is going to a good home. When the sale was finally made I felt sadness and a bit of regret to see it go. Melancholy is a good word for this set of emotions.

Jim has been gone for over nine years and although all things around his death and my life transition have gotten easier, I am surprised when these emotions pop forward again. It is bittersweet, and I feel the emotions of loss once again. I am thankful that the emotions are softer and mixed with sweetness now. I treasure these memories. I am grateful for having been given the gift of such an amazing relationship with a very good man.

I don’t try to hide these emotions, I can experience them and know they will settle once again and I will be off to discover as much joy and adventure in life as I can. When I experience these emotions it brings me back to the now. It is good to be in the moment. I am reminded that each breath is precious. I am reminded that each moment is precious. I am reminded that nothing is permanent. It is OK to release and let go of treasured items.

Today I am thankful for impermanence. Today I am thankful for such lovely and warm memories.

Next Up

Does anyone want to buy a Mission-Style Entertainment Center?

Still Moving Forward.

Another Year

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Fall represents a time of coming in. The harvests are in and hopefully, people are celebrating a bounty. The daylight hours shorten. It is a time of coming in, physically inside, inside the heart, inside the mind.

When October arrives I begin to brace myself for the journey through Jim’s birthday, October tenth. Jim (my husband) died in October 2012. The day before his birthday was his last hospital admission. Then my birthday arrives, October sixteenth. October seventeenth in the early evening hours, my husband of twenty-one years died. On November seventeenth we took his ashes to sea on a glorious San Diego morning.

Each year I wonder what this period of time will look like. Will I want to be with others? Will I want to be alone? Will I celebrate my birthday? It took me two years after his death to celebrate my sixtieth birthday. Will I be sad or grateful for this time in my life?

This year I found myself wanting to be alone and settle with my heart. It was a quiet day on Whidbey Island, where I was house sitting. I decided I really did not want to take phone calls. I was in a good and quiet place and I wanted to savor that time and the contentment I felt.

I still have a small amount of Jim’s ashes, ready to be given to the Rocky Mountains, when I get there. Three weeks before my house sitting gig was finished on Whidbey Island, I took two teaspoons of the ashes to Callahan Firehouse Glass in the town of Langley and had a memorial pendant made. I did not want a pendant for my neck, I wanted something larger so he could ride on the mirror in my rig. I gave them my order and told the artist to be creative.

Just before I left Langley I picked up the pendant. The woman who creates this artwork was at the store to give me the pendant. She told me that she does ceremonies around each pendant she creates. She spoke with Jim while blowing the glass. And remembered the stories I had told to the woman who had taken my order.

The pendant is beautiful. The blues in it match his eyes(light blue) and his Modern Morgan Kilt(darker blue). The white that sparkles through are his ashes. Now Jim gets to see my world. When the sun hits it just right there is a diamond flare of light that hits the bottom or top of the glass. I think it is Jim winking at me.

This feels like another step in the continuation of moving forward and embracing my life. This year there was a settling in, a feeling of comfort within myself that has not been there since he left.

And, speaking of Jim…Today is Giving Tuesday. When Jim died, with the help of Grossmont College where he worked most of his adult life, I created a scholarship in his name, the Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship. These scholarships help students afford to attend college and create careers for themselves. I have met a few of the students and each semester the college sends me a letter that the student who was awarded the scholarship writes. When I read these essays it gives me hope for the future no matter what the age of the student

If you would like to donate to Jim’s Scholarship today or any time please do so. Here is the link to the Change Makers site. Change Makers are students that achieve if supported. If you donate today the scholarship will receive double the amount of your donation. I already did my yearly donation earlier in the day. In the memo section type in Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship so that the donation will be directed to the appropriate area. It is a good time to donate. Remember that tax season is right around the corner.

I am feeling grateful for another year. I am glad that I allow myself to adventure into my feelings, good or bad. Each year I see my own growth and am thankful. I am thankful for the time I had with Jim. I am thankful that I am still here and growing. Today is a good day.

Tour Guiding-A Stolen Bike & A New Bike

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Guiding at Torrey Pines Golf Course

In 1997 I quit my career as a nurse. After taking a year off, going back to school and having fun,  I began a search for a new career. A small ad in the local newspaper guided me into a career that continued until I retired. For fourteen years I was a Tour Guide in San Diego and a Tour Director, taking seniors and other ages, on tours throughout the United States, Canada, Alaska, Mexico, and South America. It was a great job and one I was well suited for. Often I was the one who stood at the front of the bus with a microphone in hand, giving tours, maintaining a sense of humor, and guiding everyone to have a good time.

What makes up a good tour guide or director:

  • Knowledge. One has to be willing to research often on the places they guide. Guests expect you to know every rock, tree, flower, and more. In San Diego, I took avail of any local tours, refreshing myself on the local facts and lore. I read books and asked lots of questions. When I was planning an outbound tour, I was often busy for up to six weeks before a trip, preparing and refreshing my knowledge.
  • Humor. When all else fails a good sense of humor will push one through the roughest of patches.
  • Kindness and Caring. What made me so well suited for this job was the fact that I really cared about each person, even the difficult ones, on my trips and tours around San Diego. My goal was to make sure everyone had the best experience possible. I always hoped there might be a “wow” moment for each individual.
  • A willingness to lose sleep. Long after my guests were off to dreamland I was up studying for the next day. If someone was ill in the middle of the night, I was up with them.
  • Flexibility and no I don’t mean that I can touch my toes. When things go wrong on a trip or tour, a good tour guide or tour director needs to be able to change things on the fly.
  • Generally, we need to know how everything works. Where do we meet guests at the airport? Where can the motorcoaches pick up and drop off? How do we register these guests for a conference? What roads do I take to get from point A to point B? The list goes on.

What really made this job worthy of my time, especially on a local level was the sense of community among the local tour guides. Part of work, was meeting up with the other tour guides. I looked forward to seeing everyone I worked with. The tour guides in San Diego are a tight-knit group. We all know each other, we lament with each other, share the joys and gossip, and enjoy hanging out with each other. I love the local tour guides.

My sweet red bike

A few days ago my beloved road bike was stolen. Sigh. As with almost everything I own, it carries a story with it. It is a fast little red Jamis road bike.  Jim, my now deceased husband bought it for me. I loved that bike. I loved riding it with him. After he died I found that riding my bike was the type of sport I still loved the most. When my bike disappeared I was heartbroken and at a bit of loss about what to do.

I immediately discovered grief, again. I know I have to grieve for the loss of this precious bike. Life is about impermanence and this is being taught to me again. Sigh.

I know that I will get a new road bike. I love riding too much to be without one. Until then what was I suppose to do? I went on Facebook (yes I know some of you are not fond of social media) posted on my personal page that I had my bike stolen, and was wondering if anyone had a bike I could borrow until I could buy another bike. Within an hour, yes an hour, a fellow tour guide, Jay, posted on my page that he had a bike that was given to him by another tour guide, Bev, and he wanted to give it to me. I went to his house which is very close to where I am staying, took it for a ride, and came home with a Cannondale M300 mountain bike.

My New Ride

How incredibly cool is this? How kind and caring. The tour guide community in San Diego is strong. Even though I have retired from guiding, I still meet up with guides, catch up on all the gossip, and know that if I need anything at all, I can reach out to most of the guides I know and if they can help, they will. I want to thank Jay for stepping forward and being generous and kind and caring to my need. It is not unusual that people will step forward in a crisis (big or small). It brings out the best in most of us. It certainly brought out the best in Jay and I will be forever grateful for to him and to this blue mountain bike, currently getting tuned up.

In a few days’ time, I will be out on my new bike, learning the ins and outs of a completely different style of bike. It will help me gain new knowledge and skills. I am anxiously waiting to ride it around the bay. I am anxiously waiting for my first ride.

Today and each day I ride that blue Mountain Bike I will be grateful for Jay’s gift to me. I will be thankful for a job that gave me the opportunity to meet and know such fine people. Today and as always I am grateful.

Thank you, Jay. You are the best.

 

A New Month-Moving Forward

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December third will mark a month since Elsie took off. There have been sightings. I have answered every one. I have met some very nice people and seen some sweet kitties, yet all of them are not my cat. Sigh. I have become intimately familiar with the shelters in the county and the numerous web sites that help people find their animals. Cats and dogs go missing and so do parakeets, bunnies, geese, and pigs.

I know you all wish me well. I know that all those good thoughts and prayers are being sent out to support her return and to support me. I want you to continue to do this, yet what I need now is to not dwell on it so much. The longer she is gone the less is the likely-hood of her return. I need to get my life organized as a truly solo person. Could I ask you to continue to pray for her and me without letting me know with each blog post or a facebook post? Each time I see that someone is praying for her safe return or to support me, it puts me into a sad place and I need to go there less. I need to look ahead while hoping for her safe return.

I am staying in San Diego for another month at least. I still have doctors and dentists appointments to contend with. Most of them are complete and I still have some major decisions ahead. Yep, that is correct, the rest of my life is moving forward, just minus my little kitty.

Janet & Pat

Just before the Thanksgiving holiday, I was given a surprise visit by a fellow Roadtreking friend. Pat lives on the San Juan Islands off of Washington State. She is on a several month drive-about of the west visiting family and friends. Knowing that she would be close, she decided to come and give me a pick-me-up and a diversion. It was delightful to see her and her two pups. We talked and caught up and broke bread together. I am glad she thought enough of me to rescue me from a serious case of the doldrums. It was a good couple of days.

I successfully made it through Thanksgiving. I had some interesting offers come in for my plea not to be alone for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I had to say no to some, as they were not local and I have made a commitment to myself and Elsie to give her two months.

I actually had three Thanksgiving dinners. Santee Lakes, where I am camped, had a potluck on Wednesday night.

On Thursday I went to dinner at my friend and one of the best yoga instructors around, Lisa’s home. Along with 19 others, I celebrated in an intimate delightful setting. We feasted well. The food and the company were warm and receptive. I am glad I stretched myself a bit and enjoyed this holiday with others. Thank you, Lisa.

Yesterday saw my third helping of turkey served at a good friend’s house here in San Diego. Cynthia and Ward had a full dinner with all the fixings. Dinner was followed by a movie and pumpkin pie. Their home is always welcoming and open to me. I am glad Cynthia and Ward are friends.

Christmas is next. I am going to remember to breath my way through this holiday. I gave up giving presents many years ago. That took a lot of stress off my plate right away. No more late-night trips to the stores so I could go shopping when there was not a hoard of people around. No more calling my family to ask what they wanted for Christmas and then buying them gift cards. All of this has allowed me to breath more and stress less.

It is so much more joyful for me, during this month, to take time to enjoy people’s company. Going on a hike or walk, strolling along the waterfront, enjoying a good meal and conversation is a gift I can really enjoy. Would you care to join me? It would be delightful to catch up with close friends, fellow tour guides and acquaintances. Let’s take a walk or get a cup of coffee. I am open to unique suggestions as well.

And for all of you who are further away, I will carry you in my mind and heart. That is sometimes the closest that one can get. I look forward to future visits to those far away places.

Today I am thankful. This month I am thankful for friends and family, for those, I have met and for those, I will meet. Always, I am thankful to breath.