Eleven years but who is counting? I guess I am. Eleven years ago yesterday Jim, my husband died. Eleven years is sometimes a long time and sometimes it is yesterday.
Yesterday morning I awoke on the shores of Lake of the Ozarks, took my coffee to the water’s edge, and watched a stunning fall morning unfold. This is my reflecting time. I ponder and wonder at the mystery of it all.
Yesterday was a hard day for me, physically. I was exhausted. It wasn’t a normal exhaustion, it was bone-wearying. I could hardly move from my rig to the picnic table. I had all these plans for yesterday. The only thing I accomplished was a languid rambling walk, followed by a nap. I never feel like this, Never. Then I realized grief had shown up once again in my life. It is always in the background somewhere but yesterday it said hello and popped up into the foreground of that moment of my life. If I couldn’t move then I decided not to move. I read and napped and gave myself permission to just be.
I have had six good friends die within the past eight months. That is a lot. I think the grieving I feel for their loss and the loss of Jim made me give up and accept that yesterday I could not be a superhero and I needed to give in to this and love myself. And so I did.
Grief is still a mystery to me. It appears that it is something that will never go away. It just continues to shift and move and mold to the moment. I am learning that it is important to put grief in its appropriate place in my life. Like fear, I wonder if I can make grief my ally. What if I can make this feeling and emotion help me move forward. What if I let grief guide me to a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me and give me guidance on how to support and love others.
When I feel grief to the intensity I did yesterday, a full-body type of grief, I am in the moment, not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow. It is one of the things I remember most about the last days of Jim’s life. He was certainly in the moment and so was I. There was nothing beyond each moment for both of us. It was intensely emotional and heart felt. It almost felt like a blessing to be in its presence.
Today I am back on the road. I have about two weeks until I arrive in San Diego. It is time for my annual check-ups. It is time to visit with friends. Today it is Oklahoma, tomorrow it will probably still be Oklahoma. These are big states. I am enjoying the fall foliage.
Today I am thankful for recognizing grief as a teacher. Today I am thankful for giving myself a break.
Today I am Thankful.



























































