Waiting

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images-1I have been asked by a few friends when I am going to post on my blog. Oops, I realize it has been a while since I have posted. I think I have been waiting. Waiting to get out of my cast (remember the fateful fall in the desert), waiting for the next step, waiting to finish the house. Well it certainly looks like I have been waiting.

The work on my house is finished. I have a newly painted interior of my house. My sidewalk and yard drainage is complete and I have a new driveway. Everything that was taken down is back up and the house looks fresh and pretty. Next step is to get my friend and realtor, Barbara, out here to help stage it. Then when I can walk, it goes on the market. Finally. I will continue to wait to see when this all happens.

Yesterday my cast finally came off. Yes!!!! I am in a boot, definitely not as pretty as my casts have been. I am able to practice partial weight bearing for a week and then progress. It was good to see my leg. It has gotten thin. Where did all that Scottish Dance muscle go? I have been promised it will come back.  The first thing I did when I got home was to get a bucket of water and soak that right foot. I have missed it, so I am planning to treat it real nice. It felt good, first time it has had a bath since I was in the desert.

What does one do while one is waiting.

  • Read
  • Discover Lyft. I can go to the local coffeehouses when I get bored at home.
  • Watch good movies.images
  • Read
  • Muck around on the internet.
  • Take photos. I really like this one.
  • Breath and Meditate and do chair yoga.
  • Read
  • Rely on the goodness of friends to get me out of the house once in a while.
  • Watch the finches at the feeder-take pics.
  • Read
  • Contemplate life and other profound questions.
  • Enjoy spring in my yard.
  • Read
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Spring in the Yard, Finch

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Spring in the Yard


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Spring in the Yard

Well, you can get a good idea. It is a good thing I like to read. It has helped to have such good friends close by. Phyllis, Dee and I worked well as a team getting the blinds, mirror and shades back up. Phyllis has been so instrumental in helping me move forward with house preparation. I would not be this far along without her. Thank you Phyllis.

Having only one leg and being unable to drive, has made me revisit the fact that it is OK to rely on other people. I don’t have to do everything myself. There are other ways to approach a project and all of them are good. I tend to want to be extremely self sufficient. It is hard for me to be patient and let others complete a project in their own way and on their own time. I have been learning to sit back and graciously accept help. It helps me to remember to breath and remind myself that I really cannot get up on that ladder right now. My main job is to heal.

I am grateful for all the help others have offered. Whatever the activity, it may seem small to the person offering, to me it is huge and I am warmed to the core of my being by the simple acts of kindness of others.

Excuse but, now I have to get back to waiting. 😏 sad-waiting-for-you-quotes-for-google-plus-2-5990c8cd

 

Social Media and Surprise Encounters

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Pat & Janet celebrating Easter

Pat & Janet celebrating Easter

Social media, in this instance, Facebook, is either liked or disliked by my friends. Some won’t have anything to do with it and others embrace it. It is a way to communicate and share little bits of our daily lives. I belong to several Facebook groups that are of interest in my life. I enjoy reading the quotes, seeing what everyone is up to and in one of the groups, learning about my RV.

About six months ago I friended Pat on Facebook. We used to work together. Years ago I facilitated a meditation group in my home. Pat and her husband Gene were some of the founding members of this group. Our small group quickly became friends. Besides the meditation group that met weekly, we had fun together. I remember four of us celebrating my birthday in the desert. I admired and respected Pat and Gene. They were unique and different and very much their own person and they liked me.

Janet, Gene, Pat, Kevin in the desert

Janet, Gene, Pat, Kevin in the desert-many years ago celebrating my birthday in the desert

Once I quit working as an RN,  we lost track of each other. Occasionally I would meet Pat while out shopping. We would stop catch up and then be on our way. Early last week I saw her name on my Facebook page. I decided to send her a message. Oh what a delight she answered. I was excited, she was excited.

This past Friday Pat came to my home (remember I am still no weight bearing on my right leg) and we spent approximately six hours catching up. We had more to share than I could wish. Gene, her partner for over forty years died in 2013. The two of us cried and laughed and shared as only someone who has lost their love could do.

I was not planning to do anything for Easter. That changed in a flash and a chance message on Facebook.  I spent a wonderful afternoon and early evening with Pat, her daughter, Mahrya, a friend of hers, Joan and the kids. Here I went from doing nothing to spending an enjoyable afternoon in the backyard of Mahrya’s home, sharing with these wonderful women. Mahrya and Joan’s children rounded out the group. And, you know, it was one of the best Easter’s I can remember. We read our Tarot, and learned about the importance of our numbers and finished it off with a lovely Easter dinner.

Me celebrating Easter with my purple hair wig, it belongs to Gracie

Me celebrating Easter with my purple hair wig, it belongs to Gracie, Mahrya’s daughter

I am so grateful that Facebook helped Pat and I reconnect. My heart is so full of joy. Our bond is new and it is strong. I am glad we are re-establishing our friendship. I think camping is in our future and some traveling as well. Mostly, though, I have someone who I can share grief with. I am finding that many little parts of grief are common to others who have experienced this.

  • Do we care about eating? No.
  • Is it hard to cook for one? Yes.
  • Do I want to cook? No.
  • I am not single, I am not married, I am often just me.
  • Yes we both dislike the word widow.
  • Pat a photographer and musician, and I, a watercolor artist no longer feel an urge to practice our medium.
  • What is next?
  • We both feel we are wading through the unknown and learning as we go.
  • Crying is normal. Crying at unusual times is normal.
  • Enjoying life is normal. Not enjoying life is normal.
  • It is hard to go back to the gym. (of course I can’t right now) The gym was something that Pat and I did with our partners.
  • Pat has a hard time going into the grocery store, Gene did the shopping.

The list could go on, yet I believe you get the gist. I am feeling that I am now at a place where I want to share my grief. I don’t want to share it with anyone. I want to share it with someone who has been there. Enter Pat. Oh thank you.

I do believe I am given lessons as well as gifts in my life. Lessons can be hard. Gifts are often amazing. Pat is truly a gift for me. I am glad I am on Facebook. I am glad I reconnected with Pat. I am excited about renewing our friendship. I am thankful for someone to share grief with on an intimate level. I am thankful for Pat.

 

Acts of Loving Kindness

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imagesThis past week I finally met my new neighbor. Gavin Jay was born about two weeks ago. I had to wait until I was over a cold and my broken ankle casted before I could venture next door to meet this little one. He is such a new baby, all soft and warm and, well, new.

JJ and Athena are developing into such loving parents. While I was visiting, Athena prepared to breast feed. JJ came up behind her and pulled her long hair back to help in the preparation. This was a small moment in time. This one small and rather unremarkable act drew my attention. It was such  loving thing for him to do. In that one small act I witnessed the love they have for each other. It made me think of all those moments that we easily let slide by without acknowledgement.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be a couple doing these touching acts. I believe these acts are given to us every day, sometimes by total strangers. Because they are brief moments in time, frequently they go by unnoticed. I wonder what our individual worlds would be like if we acknowledged each of these acts.

Jim and I had a very strong and loving relationship. As I look back I believe both of us took the time to acknowledge these small daily acts. I feel that this was a part of what made our relationship so strong.

Since I broke my ankle I have begun to take the time to acknowledge the large and small acts that my friends and people I don’t know well are doing for me. I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for these on-going moments. What have they been doing? Here is a sampling.

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  • Janet has been kindly driving me to my orthopedic appointments. We use the driving time to catch up. I hope she finds it as enjoyable as I do. She also borrowed a wheelchair from her church so it was easier for me to get around my home.
  • Nancy came over right after this happened and fixed the netting on the fence in my back yard so Miss Elsie the cat could go outside without leaving the yard. I don’t know if Elsie is thankful for this, I know I am.
  • Yvonne showed up the Monday after my event in the desert with a sampling of foods from Trader Joes and good conversation. She also took over a three day tour I was suppose to do the week after I broke my ankle. I am so thankful for her willingness to take this on at the last minute.
  • Phyllis has been coming over about twice a week. She has been helping me pack boxes and moving them to the shed, so that I can clear the house before the painters come in early April. She also has been schlepping me to doctors appointments. It is another good time for us to catch up. She continues to be a good friend.
  • A New Way to Get Around

    A New Way to Get Around

    Gary, who I had not met until last Monday, offered up his knee scooter so I could get around even easier. I love this scooter. I need to make sure that I am careful on it. It is kind of fun to go fast. Gary and Penny drove down from Orange County. We went out to lunch and the time flew by. I felt like I had known these two for much longer.

  • My neighbors are taking in and out the trash cans. I go to visit Kelly and Jeff and their two toddlers. I am always welcomed with open arms.
  • JJ, my other neighbor (with the baby) has offered to help finish up a couple of projects in my yard, started pre-broken ankle.
  • Tomorrow several people I know from work, yoga (the teacher), and long time friends are coming to help me move things out of the house for the paint job. I have learned that if I ask for what I need, people are more than willing to give of their time to help out. I feel very fortunate.

The above list is just a small demonstration of what others have been doing for me. I am so grateful for each and every act of kindness and caring. It makes my heart feel full and brings emotion forward. I am grateful.

I want to remember to do this for others. If I find it so touching, then others may also. Sometimes I believe that small daily acts of kindness and love are all any of us can do. We are all in this world together and sometimes all we can do is give of ourselves to each other. And I end here with a quote from Ram Dass.

“We’re all just walking each other home.”

Baba Ram Dass

Baba Ram Dass

 

A Break in Time

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4 Desert Divas

This past weekend I met up with a two other Roadtrekers, Mary and Linda,  in the Anza Borrego Desert. There were four of us for part of the weekend as a local friend of mine, Phyllis came out for Friday night. We hiked, we toured, we laughed and had wonderful conversations. The wild flowers were in full bloom. It was a great time for photographers to be out in the desert.

As we were returning from our last hike together, I slipped on some loose scree and fell hard. The results? I fractured my right ankle. As I am lying in the middle of the jeep road, well thank my lucky stars, here comes a jeep. The couple in the jeep lifted me on board and drove me the two miles to the trail head and Linda’s Roadtrek. I crawled on board, laid on the floor, with my foot elevated and iced. Thank goodness for the RV lifestyle.

one break on the outside- one break on the inside

one break on the outside- one break on the inside

After double ace wrapping my ankle I actually was able to drive home. (Maybe not the best idea but the most convenient). Phyllis met me in the driveway and drove me to the Emergency Room. It was orthopedic night. I guess everyone shows up from their adventures over the weekend. Ah the weekend warriors.

Now I sit with my foot elevated, splinted and wrapped until after my appointment today. I am also on no weight bearing. I am getting used to crutches.

I have had my share of injuries over the past six years. Jim was still alive when I injured myself before. Now I am on my own. It is different. When someone is around on a daily basis, there is always help when I need it, someone to prepare meals, drive the infirmed, me, places. Now I have to figure it out on my own. It makes it a bit harder and I have to be a bit more creative.

I am re-discovering again, the fact that I have good friends. Phyllis was supportive and patient during the initial wait in the emergency room. She also helped me clean out my Roadtrek. Yesterday some work friends, Yvonne and Annie,  showed up with food and conversation. Today, another friend, Janet is driving me to my first appointment. Oh my goodness, I am so thankful for friends. All we can do is help and support each other. Every day I am thankful that I am cared about.

I am trying to do as much as I can on my own. I feel a need to challenge myself to do my daily life. My desk chair has become a good friend. It has wheels, I can wheel it around the kitchen to prepare my meals. I also wheel it around the house when I weary of my crutches. I am not immune to crawling. I have found that is a good way to get around too. It is OK to be humble.

The dilemma of a single person is certainly in the forefront of my mind. There are many of us out there, in the world. When you have a partner there is often a false sense of security. I always assumed Jim would help me out. Now that he is not here I have to be creative in figuring out solutions. In the next few days I plan to start investigating services that might be of use to me. Some of the local grocery stores have home delivery. How do I get around? What if I want to go to the library or a coffee house? Unfortunately I live in an area with limited bus service. Uber might come in handy.

What about exercise? I am not one to sit around. I don’t mind having my foot up for a few days but then I want to move. Gary, has offered me his knee scooter and I think that would be a good solution. A scooter is certainly a better solution for me to go a bit further afield, down to the end of the street to get my mail. I can do some yoga poses so I will continue to practice. Maybe I will even adventure to the gym for some upper body work. I hope they will let me in.

I am so glad that the house has not gone on the market yet. I can delay that. Thank goodness. Right now I am set up in the living room in Jim’s and now my favorite big red Lazy Boy chair. I have the computers close by, the phone is my best companion, and I can see the finches at the feeder outside. I also have four library books sitting next to the chair. Now that is what I call a good set up.

Living alone is easy when one is healthy and able to take care of themselves 100%. With on little slip that can change in an instant. So here is what I know.

  • Ask for help. Be as independent as possible but never, ever be too proud to ask for help.
  • It is good to have friends.
  • Get a good rolling chair in your house, seriously, it helps so much.
  • Ask your HMO for services to help you out. I plan to do that this morning.
  • Investigate your resources.
  • If not on a good diet make yourself get on one. Food heals. This is an important one for me. I have not been very good regarding eating as a single person. Now it will become one of my focuses.
  • Drink plenty of water. That helps heal too.
  • Apple TV helps. I can watch a lot of current movies and documentaries.
  • Get some good books to read.
  • Now is the time to catch up on the chores I don’t want to think about, update all the financial stuff, balance the checkbook, pay bills, clean the desk off while sitting in my rolling chair.
  • Have the phone nearby so I can talk to friends and make calls with minimal effort.
  • Keep the spaces clear in the house so I have a good path for said chair and crutches.
  • And don’t mope, it could always be worse. I haven’t done the moping part yet and I don’t plan to.
  • ASK FOR HELP-this is the one I need to remember most of all.

    Linda, Phyllis, and Mary

    Linda, Phyllis, and Mary

I always thought that as I got older personal growth would slow down. I would have reached “it” whatever that is. Instead, every day I am growing as an individual on this planet. This is one more life lesson for me. Why I needed it might not be clear and that is OK. I find I need to accept this latest incident as just another place to discover thankfulness and gratefulness. Even though it has only been a few days, already, I am soooooo…..grateful to so many. Grateful to Yvonne who stepped in at the last minute to take a tour I was suppose to lead this week. Grateful for Nancy who fixed my fence last night so Miss Elsie the cat can still venture into the yard. Grateful to that couple who picked me up and drove me two miles down the hill. Grateful to Linda and Mary for all their assistance. Grateful to Phyllis who is always there when I need her. Grateful to Gary who is going to loan me his knee scooter. Grateful to everyone else who is out there loving and supporting me as I continue to explore the life of the single person. Sigh.

And here is why I was in the desert in the first place.

Desert Sun Flowers

Desert Sun Flowers

Sand Verbena

Sand Verbena

Desert

Desert Primrose

 

Desert Liliy

Desert Lily

House For Sale, Adventure Awaits

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imagesA while ago I mentioned in one of my posts that my goal for 2016 was to fix up the house and get it on the market.

Guess what I am in the middle of? Yes, you guessed it. I am in the middle of completing  some major interior and exterior projects on my house. Last week I had a cracked slab repaired, a new sidewalk with drainage on both sides installed, and a new driveway put in. It looks snazzy.

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Driveway drying

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My new sidewalk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is more to come. I have to get some drywall work done and then the interior will be painted. I am hoping to complete this by the middle of March and then if all things go according to plan the house will go  on the market.

Here is what I know about this process so far. It is stressful. It can be very stressful, at times. I feel that I have done pretty well dealing with the stress of it all. Oh wait I almost forgot I am getting over a cold but that is not stress related (who am I kidding). Every once in a while my not so favorite friend, anxiety, rears it’s ugly head. I try to remind myself that I am halfway through the repair and fixing up thing. It helps that Barbara, my friend and realtor is willing to listen to me. She asks the right questions too.

Once the house sells I head straight into the unknown. I am not planning to buy or rent another place immediately. I am going to sell most of my belongings, put the rest in storage and Elsie and I will live in my Roadtrek RV for the next year. If I really like it I may stay in it longer. If I don’t like it I may not stay a year. This is my plan at present.

stress-article-2015Moving into my Roadtrek is way more challenging to my stress level than getting the house ready for sale. When I was younger, I would pick up on a whim, pack and move. Sometimes I had no idea where I would end up. I am sure there was stress and anxiety with those moves too. I have found, as I have gotten older, moving has become harder and harder. Now I am want to move out of traditional housing entirely. What????

Since Jim’s death selling the house has always been in the back of my mind. It has nothing to do with our life together in our home. If it did I would stay here forever. This is what occurs when one finds oneself in a good and filling relationship. Creating a fresh start is important to me. I find that if I have to start over, I want to start somewhere fresh and in a place that is mine to create.

My problem with finding a home and space that is just mine is, I don’t where it is. I have been on two long trips and I thought each one would help me define where I want to live. I have learned some important things by traveling, yet where I want to live is still a mystery. Here is what I know:

  • I will not live east of the Rocky Mountains again-unless my family needed me. I love the wide open spaces of the west. I love all the mountains and the broad forever vistas. When I first moved to the Rocky Mountains in the 1970’s I never looked east again.
  • I have ruled out two thirds of the country. That’s good.
  • The Pacific Coast is amazing. I love camping and traveling it. I have found that I have been inexplicably drawn to the Pacific since Jim’s ashes went to sea.
  • I don’t mind some humidity. The humidity back east and in the south is overwhelming.
  • I love the lack of bugs in the west. I will put up with mosquitos and those pesky ants. But I don’t have to clean the front end off my vehicles after I drive them once.
  • There is something amazing to me regarding the fact that on any given day, year round, I can walk out of my house and go exploring. I don’t usually have to wait until the weather clears.
  • My car stays in good shape forever.
  • I have good friends all over the country and beyond. I have very good, loving and supportive friends in San Diego. Their support, caring and love would make it very hard for me to leave. All my friends have gone above the call in helping me during the last 3+ years.

Here is what I don’t know:

  • Where Do I Want to Live??????

Until I know more of what I want,  I don’t think I will buy. I may rent, after the year in my RV. I plan to keep an open mind and let in all possibilities.

Miss Elsie and I are going to become the traveling duo. Where do I travel to first? Maybe the photo below will shed some light on this question.IMG_2569

Yep that is right. I am pondering the Alcan Highway later in the spring, depending on the sale of the house. I have a lovely friend, Cat, who has a fifth wheel who wants to caravan with me. I am feeling the slight undertones of excitement. We would make a good team, me and Miss Elsie, Cat and her two dogs, Dory and Bodhi.

2016 continues to be an interesting year. I promise I will keep you up to date as the mystery of this year unfolds.

And the Adventure Continues.

 

 

 

Enjoying the Bi-annual Scholarship Awards Breakfast

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images-2This past Saturday was the Grossmont-Cuyamaca College student scholarship awards breakfast. I am invited to attend these breakfasts twice a year to present the award for the Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship. Saturday was the second breakfast I could attend.

I always thought that these breakfast would be slow and more of a duty than something that I would like to do. Like the first breakfast, this one surprised me. The student that received the scholarship award this semester was Ivan. She and her family are originally from Iraq. Despite her and her family’s struggles they made it to the US. She is married with two young children. She is studying toward her degree in Social Services. She also volunteers at the college and tutors other students.

Click here to read Ivan’s Essay

Ivan and the other students who received scholarships this semester represent the best of this  generation of college students. These students are ambitious and driven with a need to succeed. The other quality I noticed with many of them is their desire to reach out and help others. I find I leave these breakfasts with feeling of hope for our country and our world.

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Jim had dedicated most of his adult life working in the student counseling world within the community college system of California. It seemed almost a natural progression on his death to set up this scholarship. I believe Jim would be happy to know that he is still helping students to succeed.

Jim had more than two passions in life. I decided to dedicate this scholarship to two areas of study. One semester the scholarship is awarded to a student in the social sciences. This student is planning to matriculate to a 4 year program. The other semester the scholarship goes to a student that is pursuing a career in the arts. It is always so interesting to read the essays that come attached with the invitation. Each one is individual and interesting. I am glad that this scholarship can help these students to succeed.

I have been working on raising money to make this scholarship into a perpetual one. So far I have raised over $9000. I need to raise $16,000 more. I am not a fund raiser so I have just relied on the gifts of friends. If you would like to donate to the cause there are a couple of ways you can do this. On the right hand side of this page is a green Go Fund Me button. If you click on it it will take you to Jim’s page. If you would prefer you can make out a check to:

FGCC (Foundation for Grossmont & Cuyamaca Colleges)
Mention that the contribution is for The Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship

Mail contributions to:

Scholarship Specialist
Financial Aid Office
8800 Grossmont College Dr
El Cajon, CA 92020-1799
Tax Deductible Contributions per section 501 (c) (3) of the IRS Code; EIN 45-2692818

Even the smallest contribution will help and it will certainly be appreciated. Here is my plea for this semester.

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I look forward to the next scholarship award. I am anxious to see who will receive this one. I look forward to reading their essay and I look forward to presenting this scholarship to the next deserving student.

Valentine’s Day

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imagesJim and I never really observed the holidays, official or made up. We felt that if we wanted to celebrate something why not do it when we thought about it rather than wait for a special day. The holidays, our anniversary and more was not that important to us. What seemed more important was to acknowledge the unique friendship and relationship we had on a daily basis.

Now that I am on my own I still feel little need to mark the holidays. I do try to make it to Jim’s family on Thanksgiving or Christmas because it is important to them and I enjoy the camaraderie. It also helps me get into action and make plans, which I am not always good at doing.

If I did not have any family near by I know that celebrating these events would probably just go on by. I would be good with that. Maybe this has something to do with working as a nurse and then a tour guide. With these careers, I worked the holidays. I have been working holidays for most of my adult life.

Valentine’s Day was always one that I have shunned. Too many people go out. The restaurants are crowded. It is a sham holiday made up by the card companies. Blah, blah, blah. Oh my head at work.

Why am I commenting on this? This year I was invited to go out to dinner with a friend and 4 of her friends on Valentine’s Day evening. The final enticement was that we would be going to Albert’s at the San Diego Zoo. It is a lovely restaurant in the center of the Zoo and the meals are delicious. And…it is really cool to be in the zoo after dark with no one around. We could only walk from the entrance to Alberts but it was fun to hear the night noises and know those animals and birds were close by.

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Last night I went out for a Valentine’s Day dinner and I had a wonderful time. The food was delicious and the company superb. It was an easy, relaxed evening. I always worry about being excluded. Nope, none of that. All these folks were delightful conversationalists. I felt very included. The bottom line; It Was Fun. We talked, we laughed and ate good food and drank good wine. What more could I ask for?

This year I have committed myself to move out of my current comfort zone and be with more people. This was a very good result of pushing myself. I was not comfortable, yet as soon as I met Vinnie and Gary I knew it would be alright. Then everyone showed up and all their personalities just firmed up the fact that it was going to be a good evening.

Each time I take this tentative step forward with good results, I look for the next opportunity. And maybe, just maybe I won’t shun the holidays as much. Well, maybe.

 

 

Being My Own Advocate for Everything

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And...Do It With Kindness & Compassion

And…Do It With Kindness & Compassion

When I was a registered nurse, I knew how important it was for the patient or their families to advocate for good health care. If they could not do it themselves then it became important to find someone who was willing to be in this role. It could be a family member, a close friend, a social worker and of course, the nurse. The main part of my career was in pediatric medicine. I often found myself functioning as an advocate for my wee patient’s family. It is not easy to  maneuver your way through the health care system.

Back in the early 90’s I found myself on the other side of my career. I had to have surgery. At that time in my life I was certified as a Healing Touch Practitioner and strongly believed in using all forms of the healing arts to get back to a good state of health as possible. I still do. Before I even went into the hospital I found myself setting up my team around me. I called the hospital ahead of time and told them I would be having energy healers coming in post-op to help. I wanted to have un-interrupted time with these healers. They complied. They even gave me a private room. Because I was not fond of the anesthesiologist I was assigned I asked for and got another one. Prior to surgery I met everyone who would be in the surgical suite (doesn’t that sound classy?). I had my own music playing during surgery. When I was back in my room there was Jim and a Healing Touch practitioner waiting. I was out of the hospital in two days and my recovery was swift at home. I was hiking in Yellowstone National Park three weeks later.

It did not stop there. When the bills started to come in, I called and made arrangements for paying. When all these different entities found out I was self pay and I was paying cash up front, I was given discounts (some were substantial), from the hospital to the anesthesiologist and the doctor.

If I had not been advocating for myself I am pretty sure that some of the options I was given would not have been offered.

Fast forward to 2010 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Jim and I, both took on the role of advocate. Jim and I were always a team. I pretty much chose my team that was around me for that year. I had my list of questions ready for everyone. Although it was not the best of times in my life I believe it went much better because I was involved and was part of the team. My decisions were heard and respected. I was not looking in from the outside.

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Jim and I again, took on the role of self advocacy when he was diagnosed with cancer and then the metastasis. It helped that we pretty much liked the team that we were assigned. We dismissed one oncologist we did not care for. All we had to do was ask. I always felt like we were part of the team. Don’t get me wrong, we relied on the knowledge of those around us. By being clear with our questions and our needs our team was able to meet our needs and often gave more than what we expected.

When Jim was diagnosed with the metastasis, I immediately asked for a social worker to be part of the team. With her help she guided us through some hard decisions. I cried on her shoulder more than once.

Why am I telling you this? Well it is my blog. (just lightening up the topic). Since before Jim’s death I have been advocating for myself. From my breast cancer diagnosis to Jim’s death was about three and a half years. Emotionally it has been hard. When I first was diagnosed with breast cancer, I went into therapy. When Jim was diagnosed I went back again. I have been in and out of therapy ever since.

When I left to travel for the summer I ended my relationship with my psychologist. I continued to feel good through Christmas.

And then it hit. January was, emotionally, a hard month for me. Despite the friends, despite work, despite that it is over three years since Jim died and despite the anti-depressants I have been on since before the above death, January was a really, really hard month. I know I could have struggled through on my own but instead I decided to advocate for myself and ask for what I needed. I set up visits with the psychiatrist, the psychologist and my acupuncturist (I have been working with her regarding grief issues since Jim’s death). I added in a massage. And you know what? I am feeling better. I am glad that I recognized I needed help. I am glad I was not afraid to ask. Asking for help does not mean I am weak or crazy or any of the other stereotypes that are still so often associated with counseling. Asking for help implies strength.

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I also am glad for my friends. Without them I would have been feeling terribly alone and frightened. The night I posted the blog about selling the bed, Cat, a friend from Long Island called. She took one look at the blog and recognized that things were not good. We talked for over an hour. Her friendship and compassion and humor helped that night. All my friends near and far, continue to support and help. I am beyond grateful for each and every one of them.

I am now back in therapy. It is a smart move as I am slowly moving forward with the sale of the house. That will be another post. I have given myself a few challenges which get me out of the house and sometimes out of my comfort zone. I talk to my friends and I listen to them as well. It is good to remember we are all going through our own stuff. It makes me feel a little less alone in the world to be reminded of this. I believe that we humans will always go through the good and the bad. Periods of struggle come with growth and change. If I can accept that it does make life a little easier on me.

I will continue to advocate for myself in many ways, taxes, interpreting bids for work on the house, financially and I will always advocate for my health care.

Reading & Grief

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imagesI love to read. I have loved to read ever since I spent a summer ,sitting under a tree, at the lake reading “Gone With The Wind” when I was a young girl. A good non-fiction book will get the same attention as a fiction book. I really love to read.

After my mom died, it took almost a year before I could get back to reading. A book just could not hold my focus. I acknowledged that this was part of grieving for the loss of my mom. One day I picked up a book, and I was off again.

When Jim died I once again found that I could not read. Six months after his death I started to read again. Reading fiction is my book of choice. I have tried several times to read history books, self help books or spiritual books, books I have loved to read in the pass, without success. I have temporarily lost interest.

Fiction novels, now there is a different story. I have been reading and reading and reading. I love going to the library and wandering the stacks. I never know what will catch my eye. Often I will pick up 5 or 6 books. I come home knowing that some of them may never be read. I start them and if they don’t hold my interest, back to the library they go. Sometimes I will really love a book and the writing style of that particular author. I get online and go to my local library and request the rest of that author’s books.

A few days ago I finished a novel titled “Broadchurch”. I loved it. Now I have requested the BBC television series based on this novel. I anxiously await picking up season 1 at the library.

imagesI also discovered the pleasure of audio books this summer. I loved that I could connect with the library on line and download audio books onto my iPad. Some days I got so caught up in the story I was a little disappointed when the driving day ended. A few times I found myself listening to the end of the story while I ate dinner.

My therapist strongly recommended that I do something fun and get out of the house every day. Often I will take my latest book and go to the local coffee house and read for a few hours. It is good to get out and be around people without having to converse with them. I have been going to this particular coffee house enough that they know me by name and know what I usually order (Earl Gray with Vanilla, Steeped). It has certainly become a comfort zone for me. Oh, they also have this wonderful green arm chair there that I love to sit in.

I understand that reading is an escape. It also is such a joy. I feel that if I need to escape into a good book then so be it. I am happy I am reading. Grieving shows up in the most interesting ways in my life. I have not been able to completely grasp why I stopped reading when my mom and Jim died. I believe that grief is so all encompassing that it is hard to get myself focused on something that makes me think and often feel. I believe that reading fiction is easier for me because I don’t have to think as much and I can just get carried away in the fantasy of it all. A pure and wonderful escape.

I have attempted, over the past three years, to understand this process I am going through. So much of it is a mystery. I think I am done with it and then, there it is again. Maybe when I start reading non-fiction again it will mark another passage through grief.

Meanwhile, anyone have any good books to recommend?

 

 

I Sold The Bed

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“Today, I close the door to the past, open the door to the future, take a deep breath, step on through and start a new chapter in my life. ”

The above is a post someone placed on my Facebook page. It is very fitting for my life at this moment in time.

January 1, 2016 began with the emotional sale of my bed.

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My Bed

January 1, I sold my bed. January 2, I am not sure what I will be doing. Next week, I know a little of what I am doing. What is next in my life is still totally a mystery, but here is what I  do know. This coming spring I am planning to put my home, Jim’s and my home, on the market. I am getting ready to step through that door. Well, almost ready.

Remember a previous post “Anyone Want a Bed?” After all the emotional trauma, I continued to pursue selling my bed. I had several different offers but it was waiting for Sandy. She and her boyfriend drove, almost 6 hours to pick up the bed on Friday. And what a delightful couple they are. As we walked into my bedroom to introduce my bed to it’s new owners, I became overwhelmed. This couple was so kind, they patiently waited while I shed a few tears and then we got down to business. We dismantled the bed and moved all the pieces to their truck. And just like that the bed was gone.

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Sandy’s bed

I know I should tell you it was easy, that I was ready for it go and I am excited to experience what is next. If I told you that I would not be telling a complete truth. Selling the bed has been emotionally hard. I have found myself to be teary eyed and quick to shed a few tears since it left my home. I can’t quite define what this is about. It could be fear of the unknown, the loss of the familiar, grieving for the loss of Jim (just a little), or none of the above or all of the above or something else. Who knows. I will wait it out and know that each day will get a bit better.

I don’t regret selling the bed, I just wasn’t ready for the personal fallout from selling it. Miss Elsie the cat has had to adjust too. Right after they left she walked into the bedroom and meowed a lot. It felt like she was asking where the bed was. Funny she has experienced so much newness since I bought the RV but this one made her uncomfortable. Once I moved the air bed into the bedroom and made it up she has been fine.

As you can tell,  I do have a bed to sleep in. And if I find myself not comfortable in the bed, there is always the floor. I have slept there often since Jim died. I once heard a quote “Comfort can be found the closer you are to the ground”. I believe there is validity to this statement.

I don’t find the above to be depressing, it is just honest. I am slowly moving ahead and that is what this New Year is about for me, moving ahead. Step one is the bed. What is next?

Anyone want to buy a Lazy Boy Love Seat?

Just because I love her here is a photo of Miss Elsie.

Just because I love her here is a photo of Miss Elsie.