Janet & the Atlantic

On Monday I made it to the east coast and the Atlantic Ocean. The last day was a long drive. It was good to see sister and her husband’s new home.

There are several journeys that I am undertaking all combined into one RV experience. My sister, Ruth and I have not really been close or known each other in years and we have not always gotten along well. I was hesitant regarding this visit to her and she (as I found out) was tentative about it as well. We really have had little communication with each other for several years. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer our silence was broken and we started to e-mail each other occasionally. With Jim’s diagnosis we picked up communications a bit more. I know she loved and supported both of us over the past 3 plus years through thoughts and prayers. What is this journey about with Ruth, you may wonder?

There were different parts to this visit and each one was good. I spent 3 nights with them. Ruth and I  really spoke to each other for the first time in may years. And yes, Virginia (my oldest sister) we did get along beautifully. I had the opportunity to thank her for her support and caring. I feel like this was a first step into a reconnection at a new level of understanding. This will need to be a slow and steady process forward. One baby step at a time. It was a very good visit.

Joe & Janet

The other part of this visit that I enjoyed was getting to know Ruth’s husband, Joe, of 30+ years. In all the years they have been married I have had rare opportunities to speak with him. We spent a greater part of a day together and I really enjoyed his company. Joe took me on a tour of the Culinary Arts program he started at Northern Florida State College. We walked on the beach and we talked. I hope he knows how much this time meant to me. Through him I know a little more about my sister.

Ruth  and I explored Fernadina Beach and Amelia Island. We found this rather unique house shaped like a boat and they had created a religious sanctuary in the yard. There was even a small chapel. We wandered through downtown on Amelia Island and went shopping. Even I, not the most excited shopper came away with a few new clothes. They certainly were better for dealing with the continuing heat and humidity.

The Sanctuary

Shark!!!

My HP laptop crashed so I am down to my I-pad and will probably go shopping for a new laptop, somewhere on this journey. Thank you, Adrian and Brian for you input on this subject. This was a laptop that was a year old and it was Jim’s. I still find it hard when I see or feel a little bit of him slip away. I remind myself they are only objects, yet they represent Jim, too. I find myself amazed that grief is still around. I guess I just expected to get over it but am finding it is an on going process. I am still working my way through this. I continue to feel vulnerable and loved and strong,  all at the same time. Sigh.

I am in Warner Robbins, GA at the moment. Today I am thankful for my family and all my friends. I am thankful, also for another chance with Ruth. Today I am just thankful.

Billy the dog – Ruth, Janet, Joe

Arkansas Capitol

I did it. Yep, I finally made it to the other side of the country. I arrived at my sister’s in Fernadina Beach, FL, on Monday evening. I am glad I am traveling with my I-pad and and a laptop. My laptop crashed and is now at the computer doctors. My I-pad is my best friend at the moment.

I spent a lovely evening in a state campground in Arkansas. It was hot and humid and covered with trees. Due to a misreading of the map I took a 5 mile hike instead. this trail is part of the Arkansas River hike and bike trail system.  It included an overlook of the Arkansas river.

Heifer International

Sunday morning I visited Little Rock. it was a lovely morning along the Arkansas river. Why is it that every state proudly declares that their capitol was designed to look like the US capitol?  I am not being critical but every state I have been to makes this same statement. Did you know that Little Rock is the home of Heifer International? This organization raises money for poor people around the world. You can buy a heifer for a family for Christmas. The building is totally green and architecturally beautiful. this was in the William F Clinton Presidential Library Complex.

In the afternoon I drove through southern AK and then into Mississippi. Here is what I know of this area. It is flat! There are miles of corn, okra and cotton. There are not too many people and there a lot of bugs, everywhere. Every day I clean the front end of my RT, get rid of all the bug juice just to start all over again the next day.

A list of things that remind me I am no longer in southern CA

• Really hot. Really humid.
• Armadillo road kill.
• Prisoners working along the roadside in striped prison clothes.
• Have I mentioned the heat?
• Where did all these trees come from? And, why is it so green?
• Vegetable stands that advertise okra.
• I get out of my RT and my glasses steam up.
• And have I mentioned the heat?

Another San Diego Friend:  Phyllis and I have been friends for many years. We worked together as nurses at  Children’s Hospital in San Diego. I am not sure how our friendship developed, it has been so long. What Ido know is that since my diagnosis of breast cancer and on into the present, Phyllis has unconditionally been there for me. The day I was diagnosed with breast cancer, Phyllis was there. When Jim was admitted to the hospital, she came to sit in the ER with us at mid-night. All I have ever had to do is call her and she is there. We walk together each week. She is a good confidant for me. I am very thankful to have such a friend in my life.

Janet &the Presidential Library in the Background

Comanche Grasslands

After a tire check in Guymon, OK, I departed across the Oklahoma pan-handle and ended last night near Oklahoma City. I have spent the last two days riding in the wind.  The country in eastern CO and western OK is flat with views that go on forever. As I drove through the National Comanche Grasslands I saw many abandoned adobe homes in many states of disintegration.  There is actually a driving tour you can do of these homesteads. These adobes represented the original homesteads of the people who were part of the Great Land Grab. I have read diaries of women who lived here. The loneliness was profound and the wind often drove them insane. I can imagine that after seeing these homes. It was beautiful country but the wind never stopped and neighbors were far a few between.  This open expanse made me think about the word vulnerable. I would describe my heart and emotions as vulnerable over the past year. I find I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel what I feel when I feel it. I can laugh, cry, feel saddness and more any time I want to and it is OK. What I have found is that in this time of vulnerability many people have come forward to love me and help me. If I was protecting my heart this might not happen. I have had strangers on this trip help me with my RV and everything else. I have met wonderful strangers who have given of themselves because I have allowed them in, if only for a moment. This has been a good reminder to me to keep my heart open. I never know what might happen. I expect only good.

Gloss or “Glass” Mountain view

Yesterday afternoon I drove into the most beautiful red butte country. I stopped and did a hike up to the top of Gloss Mt. The Gloss Mountains have a high Selenite content that mimics a shiny glass exterior.The hike was a little over a mile and once I got to the mesa it was a beautiful casual hike to the end.  The Views continue to stretch forever. I met a lizard along the way but no other wildlife. Definitely a good stop for this road weary warrior.

Jim, Peru

I have a favorite photo of Jim on my dashboard. I look at that photo often as I drive. Yesterday I kept looking at how healthy he looked when I took this photo a year ago in May, while we were traveling in Peru. It is hard to figure out what happened that he died less than 6 months later. I don’t feel sad or angry or anything except amazed that this could happen to such a healthy man. I still wonder where he went. I ask myself, how did this happen? There are no answers. He was a such a part of my life for 21 years and then one day he was gone. I have memories and photos but I will never here his voice again or feel his touch and that I miss. Now I wander hoping to figure out what is next.Last night I took my first shower in my RT. I went to the bathroom at the campgrounds saw a scorpion on the floor and decided it was time to try out my shower. It worked well and there were no scorpions  in my shower.  They are some ugly looking creatures And that one made me nervous.

Lastly, for those of you who would like to know, my friend, Sharon is out of the hospital and doing well. Still feeling very thankful for her.

When I was in my early 30’s I was having a bit of a hard time with life. I ended up living in a small wood cabin in a trailer park near Pagosa Springs Colorado. My bed was a single bed that the manager of the park loaned me. I had no heat in this cabin. The bathrooms were a walk away. I had a pool table in the middle of the cabin. I had a job waiting tables at the Chimney Rock Restaurant. I waited tables, tended bar, pumped gas, took care of the small store and checked in people at the campground. The first morning that I lived there I had gone to the showers and when I returned there was a hot plate and 2 pots of flowers on my step. Later in the day I met Judy & Fred and their 2 girls. They quickly adopted me and I became part of their family. They loved me and supported me and never once asked what was wrong. Judy taught me about horses and I was soon riding in the high mountains with her and her daughters. They kept me busy and loved me. We have been friends ever since.  I have spent the last 2 nights with them in Alamosa, CO. They are still loving me and supporting me. I am thankful for their ongoing friendship every day.

View from Fred & Judy’s

This morning I left Judy’s & Fred’s home in Alamosa. I have spent the last 2 nights with them. The Alamosa Valley is amazing in it’s diversity. Yesterday we traveled to Great Sand Dunes National Monument and Preserve. These dunes are amazing and the area around it is too. We climbed on the dunes that are formed by wind and water. They range up to 700 feet high and their backdrop is the Sangre de Cristo Mountains.  I learned a new term while we were there, “The Surge”. Because the streams carry so much sand in the water ripples of sand form under the water and then break. The water then surges down stream. It was really cool.

About 10 minutes later we drove to over 8,000 feet and hiked into Zapata Falls. The most fun part about these falls, to see them we had to hike in very cold water into a slot canyon. I love being able to shake my normal life off, if even for a few minutes and do something a bit out of the norm. Even though my feet were chilly, I loved every minute of it. What makes this valley so diverse is that it is the highest desert in the U.S., yet it has wetlands, dunes and Mountains that rise to over 14,000 feet. And…it has my wonderful friends, Fred and Judy living there.

Sand Dunes

This morning I departed and drove through the Trail of Legends and right now am taking a break in Trinidad, CO before I head to Oklahoma. I am making my way east. Sweet.

I have become part of clubs or groups that have either worked out for me or not. I have also joined groups that I did not want to join, such as the breast cancer survivors, or the widowed. I have now become part of another group. I am now part of the small RV, Roadtrek group. I love it when I see another RT on highway. Lights flash, we wave frantically and then go on our way. It is fun. The people on the Roadtrek facebook page have been terrific in answering my questions and following along on this journey. I like this group. I continue to feel loved and supported by so many people. Some I know and some I don’t and they all still fall into that category of friends.

Janet in the Dunes

Janet, Judy, Fred

Zapata Falls

Tuesday, mid-morning, after one more visit to the hospital, I departed Flagstaff and began the drive across Arizona on I-40. I chose this route for a few reasons; since I have spent so much time in Arizona and New Mexico I have decided I might linger more in states and areas of the

Monsoon

country that I have not been to before. This was a very hard choice because I love these two states. There is so much diversity in each one. The summer monsoons are in full swing across this high desert country. I got to witness the summer clouds forming up and watched the rain coming across the desert plateaus. Just beautiful. There was even a flash flood on the west bound part of the highway near Gallup. I am glad it  was on the other side of the road.

La Posada

I did stop in Winslow, AZ and took a stroll through town. Raquel suggested this stop. Winslow is known for a few things but mostly it is a railroad town. Here are the two things that people do in this town. One attraction is to stand on the corner made famous by the Eagles song. And I did.  The other feature of note in this little town is the La Posada Hotel. This was one of the Harvey Houses. It was built in the 1920’s by Fred Harvey who believed that even if you were in the wild west you could still have a fine place to stay with sliver and the finest of linens. He built his houses along the railroad. After it’s hay day it fell into disrepair but now has come back as a beautiful hotel. You too can stay in this hotel right on the rail.

I did not make it to Colorado as I had planned and instead stopped at a campground on the Rio Grande River just north of Albuquerque. I was very proud of myself for being able to hook up to everything on my own. It is amazing how this feat is so, challenging for me right now and how I am so proud of myself when I do everything right. I miss Jim and his loving support and I feel extra proud that I am beginning to figure things out for myself and they are working. It feels good to regroup after such an auctioned packed couple of days in Flagstaff.

Sunrise over the Rio Grande

About 2 weeks before I left on this journey I changed my status on facebook from married to”It’s complicated”. That term feels more accurate than widow or single. I feel that it is very complicated for me right now. I still feel in limbo between being in relationship and being single. I am officially not married any longer and I certainly don’t feel single. I don’t feel like I am anything except Janet trying to make it through each day in the most positive way that I can. If I look at my full adult life, that is who I have always been, even when I was in this incredibly loving and supportive relationship. Janet, making my way through each moment of my life doing the best that I can do.

Janet has been a friend of mine for many years. We met contra-dancing in San Diego. Our friendship took off when we both started to English Country Dance together. We also started hiking together with the Sierra Club, Wednesdays in the Mountains. Janet has always been my friend and her friendship has never wavered. The one thing that I really appreciate and enjoy about our friendship is that there is not one thing that defines it. We like doing all kinds of things together. She has been there for me, steadily over the past three years. After Jim died she started e-mailing photos of birds. Now I love birds and nature and this has been such a delight for me to be able to see these beautiful photos. Janet also has been so right there when I need her. All I have to do is ask and she is there. This past week when I wasn’t feeling well, who shows up with gingerale and things I needed? Janet. Today I want to thank Janet for being part of my life and I could not ask for a better friend. I am very thankful for her on-going love and support.

Now it is time to get on-the-road to Alamosa, Colorado where I will be visiting long time friends.

Guess where I am? First thing I want to tell all my friends who I am coming to visit, you are not allowed to repeat this photo. This morning was concerning, this evening Sharon is stable and doing better and all her family and I are entertaining her in the ICU. Tomorrow I am planning on heading east to my next stop. One more visit to the hospital and I will be on my way.

Sharon is sending us home so she can flirt with the night nurse. Tonight I am thankful my friend is doing better.

Friday morning me and my Roadtrek took off. Yes that is right, I am now officially on-the-road. It was a beautiful drive across the California desert and into the mountains. I am in Flagstaff for the next couple of days.

Elsie the cat is not riding with me. She was bit too stressed out about the RV. After some very painful decision making I decided to leave her in Santee with Raquel who is taking care of “everything Janet” in CA this summer. Elsie, who usually runs from everyone (the original scaredy cat), was taking treats out of Raquel’s hand and being petted by her as well. In her cat way, I think she was demonstrating the good choice I made. I will certainly be missing my furry friend, yet the last thing I want is for her to be stressed. I am leaving her picture on the blog. I will be able to see her face when I check this site.

I am an east coast girl, raised in the second smallest state in the nation. Any guesses? That is right, Delaware. When I first moved west, it was to Utah. There are 2 reactions, it seems, from “east coasters” when they move west. They love it or all they want to do is go back east, away from those wide open spaces. I took one look around and fell in love, with the deserts, the mountains and all those “see for miles spaces”. Driving across the desert was such treat in my new Roadtrek (RT). I loved sitting up high and I got to see everything from a new advantage point. It was not too hot. The highest temperature I saw was 102 F. But, wait for it…..It was dry heat. I always love it when people say that.

Here are some of my thoughts as I drove yesterday.

The desert

• In the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the desert there are these deserted and often gutted trailers. One was sitting on the top of the hill with the back end sticking over a precipice with nothing to support it. What are they doing there and where did the inhabitants go? And, the one on the top of the hill, did they ever worry about tipping over when they walked to the back? I almost thought of starting a photo journal of the ones I saw. Such an odd thing.
• What am I doing out here?
• Where did Jim go when he died?
• Why couldn’t they fix route 66 so the road was better, it would have been fun to drive more of it?
• Should my inverter be on or off? This part of my RT confounds me.
• God I love these places where I can see for miles. And the big puffy monsoon clouds were such a delight.’

Profound thoughts, right? I love to let my mind wander and go where it will. And, trust me, these were just a few of the millions of thoughts that traveled with me yesterday.

I am staying in Flagstaff for another night. This is the gateway to the Grand Canyon’s south rim. It sits around 7000 feet up and is incredibly beautiful country. The San Francisco Peaks are the home of the Kachina Gods of the Hopi Indians and a wonderfully beautiful year round outdoor playground. I have been here several times before and always look forward to returning.

I am staying with my friend, Sharon. We met years ago when we got involved in building an all women’s sweat lodge on a near-by property. She is a feisty woman who is currently dealing with breast cancer and is in the middle of chemotherapy. This has all occurred in the last few months. When I called to let her know I was coming and she told me this piece of news, she said she hadn’t called me because this was just another passing moment in her life. She is having a tough time with the chemo. I am glad I am here helping to create a diversion for a few days. She is a reminder to me that while I have been going through grief and all my own stuff, life is going on and others are dealing with continuing issues both good and hard in their lives. The lesson for me is that life does go on. She is so honored that she is the first stop in my journey. I am glad I planned it this way as well. We, her daughter and the 2 of us sat up into the evening talking and enjoying each others company and laughing over our past adventures and catching up on her large family’s lives. She knew Jim as well and it was good to reminisce. I have many strong role models in my life and Sharon is definitely one of them.

Janet & Sharon

Right now I am sitting on the floor in my home in Santee. Why is she not on-the-road? you might ask. Plain and simple I am sick, the flu has struck and my couch is the best I can do at the moment. I am so glad that I am not on a time schedule. I guess I am just waiting for the opportune moment to leave. It certainly is not today.  Well I guess I could say this sucks but I believe things happen for a reason even if I don’t know what it is at the time. I do know that I  do not want to drive across the hot dessert not feeling 100%. And so I wait.

Since I am sitting here with not much to do but sleep I decided that I would tell you about another San Diego person who has affected my life over the past 3 years. After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, one day Therese calls me on the phone and asks if I like to play scrabble. Until this moment I only knew her as Drew’s wife (he worked for my husband) and we shared a common bond for the arts. Since that phone call Therese and I have had our bi-weekly game of scrabble and conversation and we have become good friends. I have found that when people are dealing with issues it is nice to have people who are not always asking questions such as, “how are you doing?”, “how is Jim doing?”. Don’t get me wrong I think these questions are important too and I appreciate those questions a lot, yet it is nice to just have relaxing every day conversations and do normal things. It reminds me that life was still out there and going on while I dealt with my and Jim’s personal health and emotional issues. it continues to do that for me today. And all it took was one phone call. Because of our games of scrabble and conversation I have made a most marvelous friend. She is there to help me and love me and support me as I go through this transition. And, I am there for her. Therese is a very kind, generous and caring person and a delight to be with. Now we do more together than play scrabble and I am so glad she is my friend. We have a lot of fun. She has touched my heart. And…my spelling and vocabulary have certainly improved. Thank you Therese for being my friend and for checking on me and keeping me a little more “normal” in crisis.

Now I think it is time for a nap. Sigh.

Still hiking

Too much to think about. Too many things to do. I have decided to delay my departure  until bright and early Monday morning. Why, you might ask? My neighbor and friend, Raquel and I spent until 1 pm this afternoon creating a screen door for my slider door on my Roadtrek. I am pleased with the results and now I need to test it with Elsie on board to see if it really is cat proof. Raquel and I are new friends and we worked hard and had a great time. When we were done we celebrated with iced tea and chocolate. The rest of today and tomorrow it is time to clean and pack. And, you know what is great about this adventure? I have no times schedule. When I am ready I will go.

I am nervous about this trip. I have traveled a lot and I have loved all of it. I have never traveled in an RV and not for 3 months. So I am a bit apprehensive. I have decided to take the advice of  one of the people on the Roadtrek Facebook page. I will figure it out as I go and enjoy the process. I think that much of this nervousness will go away once I am under way. Put me behind the wheel of a car and I just love to drive. It also helps to know I am going toward something. I am not sure what it is but it is something.

I have been caught up unexpectedly in strong memories of Jim over the past few days. Grief is an interesting process. These moments just show up, out of the blue and can be quite powerful. I remind myself to follow a process that continues to work well for me. Lesson one  is to breath. Lesson two is to call someone and talk about it. Lesson three is to remind myself that this too shall pass, so ride it out and be patient. This time the call to my mother-in-law did the trick. I love Dotty, she is great. Talking with her helped me find balance and once again I could move forward.

I am preparing to travel and visit friends all over the country. I have been thinking of my Southern California friends. They have supported me so much in the past several years. I would like to share some of these people and moments intermittently with all who are along on my journey. Barbara and her husband, Henry, have been friends with Jim and I for many years. The friendship has been tighter and stronger between Jim and these 2, as they ran together every Saturday morning since 1996. They shared a bond that I did not. October 16, 2012 was my 60th birthday. Jim and I both marked our 60th milestone in the hospital. At one point we looked at each other and said “worst birthdays ever”. Jim died the day after my birthday. As you can imagine we were otherwise occupied and these dates were going to slip on by. Early in the afternoon on the 16th, Barbara arrives at the hospital with a wonderful chocolate cake from a local dessert bakery, Extraordinary Desserts. This wonderful woman and friend took time to remember my  birthday. It was and still is a very heart warming moment for me. The cake was lovely; the gesture was touching. Each time I remember this moment I want to call and thank her again, for her love and caring and ongoing friendship and for the fact that she remembered my birthday. Thank you Barbara and I am so glad our friendship is growing and blossoming.

My adventure continues tomorrow. Cleaning the house and getting it ready for Raquel who is going to stay and love my garden and house for the summer. Through all the emotions, getting ready and putting it all together so I can depart on Monday, everything has been falling into place. Magic does happen.

Hiking Iron Mt

It is hard to get ready to leave home. When I was younger I would leave home and travel and find new places without hesitation. Today I am feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to do, to get myself on-the-road. Sometimes I think that I create projects to make it difficult. This is something to ponder on.  I think it will be a relief to actually get in my Roadtrek and drive.

Years ago when I lived in Minnesota I was preparing to go to a weekend workshop that was focused on Native  American practices. I was nervous about this. We were going into ceremony and spending all night awake and drumming and communicating with spirit.  I knew no-one there. When I left Minneapolis for the drive northwest I found that I couldn’t find my way out of town. I kept getting turned around on the freeways, even though I had lived there for a length of time. At that point I was getting frustrated and angry. I finally stopped at a gas station and asked myself what was going on?  When I could acknowledge that I was afraid and not sure about going to this event, well wouldn’t you know I found my way right to the camp. Sometime the hardest part of any experience is starting out. Here I am again preparing for departure and driving into the unknown and feeling all kinds of emotions. This time I will find my way out of town.

Today I taught myself how to use the electric drill to place some added snaps into the RV frame. Jim would have been the one to figure out these projects. Now I need to figure them out. Off I went to Lowes and talked to a person of knowledge and found the  right equipment and and I came back and was able to accomplish this feat without difficulty. Observing Jim over the years has taught me is to look at a project first. Think about all possibilities. Create a plan, figure out how to implement it and then follow the plan. Do it safely and take your time. Well darn I did all that and it worked. I am now ready to figure out a screen door for the slider door. When I pick up the drill or use the table saw or use anything else in the garage realm I feel really accomplished. The other thing Jim has taught me is that it is OK to wander around Home Depot or Lowes with a glazed look in my eyes. I used to tease him about this.  My God he loved going to these stores. Now I too am walking around with that glazed look.