Tag Archives: grief

Remembering Jim: Love, Loss, and Lifelong Adventures

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“I talk about him because I’m proud.
I talk about him, because he deserves to be remembered.
I talk about him, because even though he’s not physically with me, he’s never far from my mind.
I talk about him because he’s part of me, a part that I could never ignore or disown.
I talk about him because I love him still, and I always will. Forever. Nothing will ever change that.”
I Talk About Him/Scribbles & Crumbs

On October 9, 2012, Jim, my husband entered the hospital for the last time. Neither of us knew that he would not leave and come home. Neither of us thought that the end of his life was around the corner. Neither of us knew.

Thirteen years ago on October seventeenth my husband of 21 years died. He entered the hospital the day before his birthday. Almost two weeks later, he died the day after my birthday. Yes October is a emotionally mixed month for me.

Oh, and wait a minute. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I know that some people who have had breast cancer are dedicated to this month. I thank them for that. I, though from the beginning of having breast cancer in 2010 have wanted nothing to do with this month. I don’t want pink anything. I want to move forward without the celebration and thinking of myself as a survivor. I want to live.

Welcome to October
Always an action packed emotional month.

It seems strange to think it has been thirteen years since Jim’s death. Sometimes it seems like it has been that long. Other days, it feels like it was yesterday. Sigh.

I spent most of my younger adult life thinking that I was going to be single my whole adult life. I made it to 38 and then Jim showed up and my life changed forever.

Each year I take time to remember Jim in writing, in thought and in love.

Jim & me dancing Contra Dance

Many relationships were made and dismantled on the dance floor of the New England Contra Dance community. If you have never tried this form of folk dance I suggest you try it. It is so much fun and it is certainly a way to meet people and make friends. And, oh the music! One night, this tall blue-eyed man showed up. That ended the idea of being single for the rest of my life.

Scottish Country Dance Ball

Jim followed me to other dance communities. He became a fine Scottish Country Dancer. We ballroom danced and chose to try several other forms of dance in communities around San Diego. It was fun. He did a mean waltz and polka. It was so much fun to have a dance partner.

The connection was strong and within a year we were a couple. I moved from San Diego in the fall of that year. I became a traveling nurse with Albuquerque as my destination. He didn’t want a long distance relationship. I said “How do you know if you don’t try it?”

Four months passed. Jim and I made several trips between Albuquerque, NM and San Diego, CA. I returned to the west coast and Jim. We moved in together and became a life couple. Was he my soul mate? I don’t know. I do know that even if it wasn’t perfect it was pretty darn close. From the moment we started to date we were close.

Everything was shared. Each month I would hike into the mountains to contemplate whether this was still a relationship I wanted. He would roll his eyes and waved me off. I would come back for another month. When I asked him if he had any doubts. He looked me in the eyes and said no. Eventually the monthly journeys move to every six months and then every year. I continued to hike and contemplate this wonderful relationship once a year until his death.

I have always been an explorer and adventure traveler. He joined me.

We took the train to Oregon. We climbed old growth Douglas Firs. and camped in the top of the trees. Did you know that there are no mosquitoes 25 feet above the ground? Since we were camped over 100 feet off the ground we were never bothered by those pesky little creatures.

Tree Climbing & Tree Sleeping

One year we kayaked the Nā Pali  Coast off the coast of Kauai. The only way to see this coast is by helicopter or boat. On one of the short kayaks, we sailed through the air on the backside of a wave. Other travelers kept saying, “this doesn’t look good.” It wasn’t but oh the fun. We survived. When we finally kayaked the 15 miles down the Nā Pali coast, we went into caves. We greeted sea turtles swimming by. We got to see firsthand this amazing and remote coast.

Another Hawaii trip found us inner tubing through the sugar cane fields and kayaking the rivers on Kauai. This and the Big Island were our favorites places to visit in the 50th state.

On Tour of the Galapagos Islands

Other adventures included Ecuador and the Galapagos Islands. We Winter Camped and snowshoe hiked in Yellowstone National Park. We camped and explored Canyon de Chelly in Arizona by horseback. Jim had never been on a horse in his life. When a friend invited us to join her for a long weekend in Alaska. We enjoyed a long weekend of cross country skiing, yoga, and contra dancing. Always dancing. We explored our country, the outback and the cities.

Due to Jim’s love of astronomy we finally saw the total solar eclipse over Angkor Wat in Cambodia. During the summer months, the California desert becomes too hot. He would load all his astronomy equipment in the car and we headed to the desert. We camped in the remote areas of Anza Borrego State Park. There, we would stare at the heavens and talk into the early hours of the morning. The key to summer visits is to arrive after 5 pm. Be ready to leave by nine in the morning. Even in the summer the evenings are cool and pleasant. And…there is no one else out there.

Then there was the Grand Canyon, one of the seven natural wonders of the world. Jim and I hiked it a couple of times. The real life changer happened when we decided to take a river raft adventure. It lasted 15 days with friends from Lee’s Ferry to Diamond Creek.

Looking out at the Mighty Colorado

At first Jim wasn’t sure he wanted to go. It was too long. What would he do if he got bored? I made one phone call to a long time friend, Sharon, who had rafted the canyon several times. After his conversation with her, he hung up and we made reservations. After that trip we always talked about “Before Grand Canyon” and “After Grand Canyon”.

This is a description of some of our travels. There were so many more adventures than listed here. We were always looking for the next new adventure. It was such a great experience to have someone to share the unique and normal with.

Now I carry on alone but not really. I carry remembrance of him and our life with me. I move forward toward the next adventure. And I carry the joy of those 21 years with me as I grow and change and remember. Some people have said that I should let him go and move on. I am not sure what letting him go means. How can I do that? Those 21 years changed my life. They made me grow into the person I am today. I carry my growth with me always.

I continue to adventure by myself. My friend in our soft adventures is gone. I wonder sometimes how different my life would have been if he was still here today. Yes, I have no doubt I would still be with him. I would still be taking the hike into the mountains every year. I would watch as he waved me off. And then another year would unfold.

Today I am thankful for Jim, for our positive and wonderful relationship. I am thankful to move forward and be so much more than before I met him. Today I am thankful for Jim and all those years of adventure and wonder.

Hmmm…Where to next?

Honoring Jim: A Legacy of Love and Community Support

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Twelve years ago, my husband, Jim, died. It was such a heartbreaking moment in time. It took me a long time to meet him, and he died too soon. He had just turned sixty. Sigh.

We had such a good relationship. It was not perfect, but it was pretty darn close. We laughed and explored life together. He saw things in me that I never knew existed. I helped him create his adventuresome side. As Jim would say “We’re a team”. And what a team it was. And even though it is twelve years, I miss him dearly.

At this time of the year, I like to remind people about the scholarship I created in his name. The Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship was created at Grossmont Community College in San Diego. Jim was a believer in education for all people. The Scholarship is doing well. We have actually increased the amount offered to a student each semester. I feel good that people donate and the fund is managed well. It was a good thing to do. He would be proud.

I have given some thought to this usual reminder of Jim, our life, and the scholarship. This is like raising money for public radio. There is so much going on in this world and so much need for money and time. Since the scholarship is going well, I would prefer to ask for contributions to other causes.

So many people have experienced hard times over these last few months. When requesting donations, I decided to focus on helping others this year. The Hurricane Relief Funds need everyone’s contributions. Yes, the first helping phase has been in effect for a while. Many of us know that it takes a long time for things to return to normal, whatever that is. The hard work often begins when early help is completed.

Donations in cash are the best choice. Here are some organizations that need our financial help.

North Carolina Disaster Relief Fund: Governor Roy Cooper of North Carolina encourages individuals to donate. Contributions to the North Carolina Disaster Relief Fund will help communities recover from the extensive damage Helene has caused. Donations can be made by visiting NC.gov/donate. All donations will go to nonprofits working to meet the immediate needs of storm victims.

The Florida Disaster Fund: The Florida Disaster Fund is the State of Florida’s official private fund. It was established to assist Florida’s communities. The fund helps as they respond to and recover during times of emergency or disaster. You can donate online, by mail or with PayPal. 

One SC Fund: 99% of donations are granted to local nonprofits providing disaster relief and recovery in South Carolina. The remaining 1% are directed to outreach, research, reporting, and the administration and oversight of grant contracts. Donations to support Hurricane Helene relief can be made online. 

East Tennessee Foundation Neighbor to Neighbor Disaster Relief Fund: This fund exclusively aids the response and recovery in East Tennessee. It focuses on helping after the devastating impact of Hurricane Helene. Donate online.  

The Humane Society Emergency Animal Relief Fund. We can’t forget all our furry friends and their need for rescue, food, and recovery.

These are a few suggestions. Some will contribute $5, while others will contribute more. No amount is too small or too large. Listen to your heart and your pocketbook.

As another year of life unfolds, I continue to move ahead alone. I acknowledge the continuing phases of grief as I try to embrace life and others to the fullest. I will always be thankful for the time I had with Jim. It was an incredible time of my life and such a gift. Now, I can help others, which must be enough.

Today, I am thankful that I am alive and can continue to move ahead with my life. I am thankful for the time I had with Jim. I am thankful that the Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship is performing so well. I am thankful for those who have loved and supported me. Now, I am thankful that I can help others.

Today, I am Thankful.

Catching Up

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Happy New Year Friends!

Oooh, I know it has been too long since my last post when friends started to email or phone me to find out how I am doing. It makes me feel like I have not been faithful to updates and adventures.

I am still in San Diego. I am camped by Mission Bay and enjoying my mornings outside or inside my Roadtrek, EmmyLou. I also bike and kayak a little and visit friends. Each year, I arrive in November to have my medical and dental done, visit friends, and enjoy the days as it becomes colder and snowier in other parts of the United States.

First Update: So far, all my medical is looking good, and I am ready for another year. I am almost complete for another year. I am still waiting on the dental part of this picture. I have become very good at helping my dentist and others in his office enjoy their lifestyle. Come February, I will know if I have the all-clear with the dental part of this. Sigh.

Second Update: I have a favorite saying, first found on Ram Dass’s website; “We’re just walking each other home.” This year I have decided to remain in San Diego longer than usual. A friend of mine’s husband died in early December. She has very good friends and support within the local community. She has turned to me for support and companionship. I have something that many have not yet experienced: the loss of my heart, my husband Jim, who died over eleven years ago.

I consciously decided to stay around for a while to see her get back on her feet and face the world in this weird new role she has found herself in. Grief and loss is hard. Some days, it slaps one in the face, and others are softer and gentler.

But loss does not stop the world. I had so much to do that first year after Jim’s death. Lawyers, accountants, Social Security, Financial institutions, work, finding homes for his “stuff” and treasures, and more. I wish I had had someone to help me navigate all of this. My sister and a friend, Helen, arrived shortly after Jim’s death, which was very helpful. Once they left, I was on my own.

Diversion is helpful, and I think I am providing my friend with some helpful diversion and a shoulder to lean on. We talk, drink wine, and find things to do locally. Sometimes, crying is involved; other times, we laugh and talk. We share a love of books. Grief is not always about being sad. It encompasses the whole gambit of emotions. I am still learning to embrace all of them. 

This is what friendship is about. I also think that I am healing myself in this choice I have made.

Third Update: Christmas was quiet this year. I house-sat for my good friends, with whom I spent the first COVID year. They were out of town, and I had a real house. They have the best couch. It is one of my favorite pieces of furniture in the house. It sucks you right in and is so comfortable.

My good friend Pat and her family had me over for Christmas Day. It was a day of relaxation and the joy of being included. Sometimes I get tired of my own company, then it is good to have friends come to the rescue.

Pat, Tessa & Elepjhants

Fourth Update: A good friend from San Juan Island in Washington arrived a week ago in Long Beach, California. We decided to connect as it has been over a year since we have seen each other. For two wonderful days, we camped north of Laguna Beach in one of my favorite State Parks in southern California, Crystal Cove State Park. We walked the beach at an extremely low tide and talked. It was a good getaway, and catching up was so much fun. She owns a Roadtrek too.

Darn She Found Us Again!

Fifth Update: I am back at the park by the bay after caring for two kitties for a few days. I wish I could say that the kitties were fun and that they hung out with me, but I spent my two days lying on the floor, talking to them while they hid from me and giving them skritches when they would allow it. CATS!!!!!

People ask me what I am doing next. Honestly, I don’t know! Plans formulate slowly for me. I have a hard time planning most of my life. I am such a procrastinator. I know I will be heading for the desert soon, at least for a few days. Friends are arriving, and I must go visit. And the desert is so beautiful at this time of the year.

Until then, I am biking and kayaking, enjoying the bay and my friends. Today, I discovered that on Fridays, a group of people gather in the recreation hall and play music. Today there are at least fifteen. And…it is my kind of music. I could contradance to it. Sweet.

Today I am thankful for friendship and growth. Today I am thankful for Procrastination. Today I am Thankful.

A Hard Day with my teacher-Grief.

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Eleven years but who is counting? I guess I am. Eleven years ago yesterday Jim, my husband died. Eleven years is sometimes a long time and sometimes it is yesterday.

Morning on the Lake

Yesterday morning I awoke on the shores of Lake of the Ozarks, took my coffee to the water’s edge, and watched a stunning fall morning unfold. This is my reflecting time. I ponder and wonder at the mystery of it all.

Yesterday was a hard day for me, physically. I was exhausted. It wasn’t a normal exhaustion, it was bone-wearying. I could hardly move from my rig to the picnic table. I had all these plans for yesterday. The only thing I accomplished was a languid rambling walk, followed by a nap. I never feel like this, Never. Then I realized grief had shown up once again in my life. It is always in the background somewhere but yesterday it said hello and popped up into the foreground of that moment of my life. If I couldn’t move then I decided not to move. I read and napped and gave myself permission to just be.

I have had six good friends die within the past eight months. That is a lot. I think the grieving I feel for their loss and the loss of Jim made me give up and accept that yesterday I could not be a superhero and I needed to give in to this and love myself. And so I did.

Grief is still a mystery to me. It appears that it is something that will never go away. It just continues to shift and move and mold to the moment. I am learning that it is important to put grief in its appropriate place in my life. Like fear, I wonder if I can make grief my ally. What if I can make this feeling and emotion help me move forward. What if I let grief guide me to a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me and give me guidance on how to support and love others.

When I feel grief to the intensity I did yesterday, a full-body type of grief, I am in the moment, not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow. It is one of the things I remember most about the last days of Jim’s life. He was certainly in the moment and so was I. There was nothing beyond each moment for both of us. It was intensely emotional and heart felt. It almost felt like a blessing to be in its presence.

Janet & Jim in Peru

Today I am back on the road. I have about two weeks until I arrive in San Diego. It is time for my annual check-ups. It is time to visit with friends. Today it is Oklahoma, tomorrow it will probably still be Oklahoma. These are big states. I am enjoying the fall foliage.

Today I am thankful for recognizing grief as a teacher. Today I am thankful for giving myself a break.

Today I am Thankful.

Wide Open Lonely Country

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I have been traveling the Trans-Labrador Highway west to east for the past six days. It is a wide open, lonely land with firs covering more distance than anyone can imagine. They are usually short scrubby trees indicating the long, harsh winters, the winds, and the terrain. As I red approached the Atlantic the land has become more open glaciated terrain. And then there is water. Lakes, Rivers, Streams, Bogs, and Brooks. 

I drove into this country not knowing what to expect. It was not on my original route. Over the first few days, this wild space embraced me. It gave me time to think, feel, ponder, and recognize the loneliness of the land and myself. Until the third day, the only time I spoke with someone was when I filled up my thirsty gas tank. Then it was off into the wilderness again. 

Boondocking

Each day, I pulled into camp around three in the afternoon. I was dry camping or boondocking. I would find a dirt road and pull in to see if there was a good, hopefully level spot to camp for the night. 

Then I would wander, down to the river, out into the woods to see what my home was for those twelve hours. I would return to my rig when the black flies would become too much to bear. This was my routine each night.

And I thought and pondered. Being alone is hard, being alone is easy. Being alone way out here is just, alone. 

Several years ago there was a woman who had recently bought a Roadtrek and began to travel with her dog. I never met her but was in touch with her by email and on Facebook. Her life was a struggle and had appeared to be so for quite some time. Sometime in that year she went into the mountains of the southeastern United States and died. I was going to say committed suicide but that is a term I am not always comfortable with. One night I thought about her as dusk turned to night. 

I wonder if her loneliness was profound and there was no other way out. It is hard to have someone end their life like this. I always want to understand why. Often there is no answer. What makes one person choose this way out and another struggle to find solid ground and become richer for the experience of thinking about this and choosing life?

Have I thought about this? Yes, I have. Those first years after Jim’s death were hard. The grief was hard. The loss was hard. The balance in my life was sent off kilter and I needed to find it again. Sometimes when life is hard, we think of easy ways out. I don’t think suicide is an easy way out. I believe it is something people struggle with for a long time before coming to the acceptance that this is the way to leave this world. For others like me, I take a deep breath and strive to find purpose and balance again in my life. I am still working on it.

I mourned her loss that evening and embraced the grief and the struggle that her death brought to me. I have not thought of her in a long time but a few nights in the wide-open lonely country gave me a chance to mourn her loss and say goodbye.

I have had to say farewell to some good friends over the past couple of years. My past year has been a bit overwhelming with friends who have stepped out of this world. I have taken some time on this trip to think of each one and embrace my sense of loss and say my own farewell to them out in this wide open lonely country.

Chris McCandless left his home on the east coast of the United States and traveled across the United States and into Alaska. He was another soul who was a bit lost. He finally found a bus and made it his home in the wilds of Alaska. He died there as well. The wilderness can call a person and welcome them in. If a person is not aware it can pull them in so strongly that they never leave again. Maybe they are not prepared for the harsh unforgiving land, not enough food, not the right gear, not enough knowledge going in. I have thought about him and about how the outback of Alaska may have given him some comfort as he unsuccessfully tried to survive. The wilderness of the land and the wildness of the soul can be harsh and unforgiving teachers. 

I have been in the wilderness before but nothing like the country I am in now. I admit that I could have come a bit more prepared. My rig is good and she got me through these long days with ease. Good for you EmmyLou I appreciate her so much. A good and fine home. How could I have been more prepared?

I did let my one sister know where I was heading and when I would be taking the ferry to “The Rock”-Newfoundland.

Each day brought no cell phone reception. If something had gone wrong with me or the rig there was no way to reach out. Next time I will bring a satellite radio. It is good to be prepared. There were cars and trucks on the road so I would not have been alone for long. People out in this country are kind and thoughtful and will reach out to the person stranded on the side of the road. 

This morning I am sitting at a pullover writing this before I enter back into the land of people and tourism.  Out there on this body of water next to my rig are loons calling into this wild land. Last night I heard an Elk bugle, waking me from a sound sleep. I feel like I drove into this country one person and am leaving more settled and aware of what may be important to my life at this moment. 

It is a wild lonely country out here. I am grateful today for the experience of it. I am more than thankful that I was able to enjoy it end to end without mishap. Today I am thankful that I will acclimate back into the life of people. I am in Red Bay and oh look…there is a restaurant. Breakfast anyone?

A Healing Time

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On a warm winter morning in Alamos, Mexico I was practicing yoga with a friend. We were talking occasionally as we stretched and meditated and woke our bodies up. I told her that everything that I do helps me heal.

Since Jim, my husband and friend died, on October 17, 2012, I have experienced so many emotions and states of being. It wasn’t until this morning that I put my life, since his death, into words. I am healing. When I feel joy, I am healing. When I feel grief, I am healing. When I experience anger I am healing. Laughing-healing, Crying-healing, Sharing a comfortable time with friends or strangers-healing. This is my life. Healing means growth. I am growing with each moment that passes. I am working my way towards a wholeness that I lost with loss and grief. Little moments in time guide me toward this state of being.

This also is a physical state. I treat my body well-healing, I don’t treat my body well-I am healing, Dancing-healing, Walking-healing, Cycling-healing, and Spending a day resting-healing. Physically, Mentally, Spiritually, and Emotionally I am always healing. Even when I don’t know it I am healing toward wholeness and becoming more.

Healing is a lifelong project. Not only am I healing from grief. I am healing from all those other wounds that I have experienced as a part of growing in years and knowledge. Healing is my responsibility and I can’t expect to heal unless I try to unravel the wounds both consciously and subconsciously.

With this knowledge today I have felt vulnerable, and strong, and…everything. Today I have been resting or taking a Siesta. As this knowledge is being absorbed I needed time to rest so I can absorb it in every aspect.

I will continue to walk with strength, stumble, and pick myself up to continue to move toward a wholeness I have not experienced before. Healing, like grief, is ongoing. As I acknowledge this it frees me up to be more of everything.

Today I am thankful for this moment of awareness. Today I am thankful for healing, myself, others and the world. Today I am thankful.

Ten Years

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Jim

Ten years ago on October 17, my partner, husband, best friend and so much more, died. He had just turned sixty and just like that his life on this planet was over.

it amazes me that it is ten years. There are times it feels like yesterday. Then I look at the ten-year mark and am amazed. Where did this time go? How can it be ten years? Wasn’t it just last year that I dove headfirst into grief? And how can it be ten years and I still miss him so?

I will continue to make a commitment to his memory and my grief and loss at this time of year. It helps me acknowledge one of the highlights of my life on this planet. It allows the grief that is often floating somewhere deep below the surface to be acknowledged and loved as a part of who I am as a whole person.

Jim was a unique and special part of my life. He showed up at thirty-eight years of age, at a time when I was sure I was going to remain single for my whole life. He turned that one around. We were a team. I never thought I would meet someone who I was so compatible with.

It is not that we didn’t have relationship issues from time to time, we were both stubborn. We wanted to make this relationship work and we knew that it was of value to both of us. It was more than of value to me. He saw me in a way that no other has ever seen me.

  • I was a person of value.
  • For the first time, someone thought I was beautiful and sexy. (ooh it is still hard to say or type that last word)
  • What I said mattered.
  • He encouraged my art and although I have changed art forms since his death, his encouragement has continued to push me forward to explore new mediums.
  • Jim allowed me to see that the whole world was open to me. I could do so much when I had his support and love.
Jim & Janet

Since his death, I have realized that our relationship was unique and special. There were not the struggles that many describe when they speak of their relationships. We laughed together, tackled the hard stuff together, and when we hit a roadblock (otherwise known as stubbornness) we sought counseling and support so we could grow and move on. And we grew so much together. As Jim often said, “We’re a team”.

Jim was a supporter of higher education. He devoted his whole working life to helping students achieve. To honor this part of him I started the Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship. He believed that all could excel in college and there was no better honor that I could give to him than a scholarship that was inclusive of most students. The scholarship changes per each annual semester, one semester it is applied to the Arts and Humanities and the next semester it is applied to the Social Sciences.

If you would like to donate to the Scholarship, no donation is too small, please click below and you can help another student realize their dream.

The Jim Fenningham Memorial Scholarship

I am blessed and honored to have been a team with Jim. I miss him still and I acknowledge how much richer my life is because of him.

As I manage my way through another October, I know that I have the loving support of so many. For each of you, I am so grateful for your ongoing presence in my life.Thank you.

Learning to be Alone

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It has been over two weeks since Miss Elsie the Cat took a walk. I try to remain hopeful. It is hard to do.

Since before Jim died over seven years ago, Elsie was a part of our life. She arrived as a wee kitty that could fit into the palm of one hand. She snuck her way into our hearts. She liked me and adored Jim. After Jim died, Elsie waited for five months before she decided that I was up to be part of the primary team.

Elsie was a remaining connection to Jim and my life together. The first week after she disappeared, I felt like I dove deep into grief again, similar to after Jim initially died. Grief for the loss of Miss Elsie. Grief for the loss of Jim. Grief for the loss of our life together. This kind of grief is not a good place to stay. I have been using my resources, friends and more to get me back out of that spot. It is OK to visit. It is not OK to stay long.

I am learning how to be alone. When Jim died, Elsie the cat was still with me and I could rely on her for good purry company. I love her companionship. I love how she would talk to me and look at me with those adoring eyes. Now that she is on an adventure, wherever that may-be, I need to learn to be alone. After having some type of companionship for close to thirty years, it is not an easy lesson to learn. I thought it would be easy, yet I find it difficult. I have been talking to her and Jim in absentia a lot lately.

How do I learn to be comfortable being alone? That is a loaded question and the answers are not clear as they seem to change by the minute, hour and day. It is hard to figure out the alone part when I dive into moments of sadness. I come back out and things look a little brighter and then, poof, there is another one that pops up. Sigh.

I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas. They are holidays of celebration, joy, and fun. Being single and alone is not always fun. I decided this past week to stretch myself and ask for help. Well, actually it is asking to be included. Today I decided to ask my San Diego friends to think about including me in their holiday fun. I sent out an email to a few close friends asking them to consider including me, if not for the event, maybe for a walk or a few hours of their time. Now I want to extend that to the broader San Diego Community. I promise not to be maudlin or sad. If anything I think I will be joyous, just to be around others and enjoying the companionship and fun.

I know I could volunteer, yet this year it feels like I want to be included with those I love or those who love me or both. All you local San Diegans, if I did not email you and you want to respond to my plea of inclusion, it would be welcomed with open arms and an open heart.

I am grateful for my friends and family today. I am grateful for all those people out there in the cyberworld who are helping me look for a lost kitty. I am thankful for my time with Miss Elsie the Cat.

I remain optimistically hopeful.

 

 

Anniversary Time

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Today is my Birthday. Tomorrow Jim died seven years ago. My October tends to be action packed with events of significance in my life. One more is coming up in another week, when I have thyroid surgery for cancer.

Every year at this time I give myself some time to reflect, on my year, on past events, on events yet to be and I try to place where I want to be in my life at this moment in time.

Grief and the loss of someone dear, is an interesting event. Sometimes it feels like it happened many years ago and it did. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. I can relive the events of the last two weeks of Jim’s life like it was yesterday. It was certainly a significant event in his life, in mine and those who were close and dear to him. Yet the significant memories change when they arrive, usually unexpectedly in my life.

The other day I saw a Tesla (a dream car of mine) and there was an instant recall of the time when I left the hospital to get in my car, and a Tesla was following me. I didn’t even know it was there. The darn things are so quiet it scared me and made me jump.

That memory drew me back into the hospital and being with Jim each day in his room. A few days before he died my sister, Ginny was flying to San Diego to help out. I knew how much she liked our hot tub and it had not been cleaned. I went home to clean the hot tub with Jim on the phone giving me instructions on how to drain it. It gave us something to focus on, but really???? the hot tub??? It reminds me of how we were a team until the very end.

I remember his good and long time friend, Doug, showing up at the hospital and staying until after Jim’s death. He didn’t leave San Diego until he knew I was OK. And then there were his long time running buddies who showed up the afternoon he died to let him know they were there for him.

And the memories go on.

I have been listening to an audio book while driving titled Resilient Grieving. It has been reaffirming for me to hear someone else who is more of an expert than I am, speak of taking hold of your grief and helping it to shape your existence, at the moment and what to do to help, as time moves on. One of the things she mentions is that these moments of memory are helpful as they may remind me that during that time of my life I lived in the moment. Each moment was precious and valuable and I was right there and nowhere else. It didn’t matter about the past and it didn’t matter about the future and I was alive and so was Jim in that moment of time.

I find those moments to be extremely positive in shaping my life since his death. Some people have told me “it is time to move on” with the implication that I need to put this behind me and live today. All our memories and experience continue to shape who we are today. So why not this one? Why should I forget it or put it behind me. If it was a good experience, although painful and heart rending, then I believe I can bring it forward with me and shape who I am today.

I hope it has made me more understanding and kind and present. It certainly has made me thankful. I have been given gifts by the Universe or God or whoever you believe in, over the course of my lifetime. Learning the “in the moment” presence is one that has shaped me more than any other. Being married to a life partner for twenty one years has certainly shaped who I am today. I hope never to forget the laughter, adventure, deep and loving conversation and more that the two of us shared. And now I want to begin to reach out more and share this with others.

I tend to get lonely out here on the road and that is my own doing. I don’t reach out to people often and I think that has to change. I find when I take Lyft or Uber I relish the conversations with the drivers. I learn and share and find it fun. I want to do this more with other’s in my life. So maybe that is a goal for this year to come.

I do know that I have been loved and cherished in my partnership with Jim. I want to do that for others. I am feeling extremely blessed to have good friends wherever I go. I hope I have carried this forward in my life with friends near and far.

Today I am thankful for my memories and for experiencing “in the moment” points of time. Today and every day I remain thankful for those twenty-one years I had Jim in my life. I miss him and I will carry him forward for the rest of my life, even as I make new friends and experience new things.

Roadtreking & Grief

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“Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed.”

“Grief is a natural response to loss. It is the emotional suffering one feels when something or someone the individual loves is taken away. The grief associated with death is familiar to most people, but individuals grieve in connection with a variety of losses throughout their lives, such as unemployment, ill health or the end of a relationship.”

There has been an on-going story out of Kitchener, Ontario over the past several weeks. To make a long story very short, Roadtrek, the company who manufactured my RV, due to some issues that have yet to be revealed, is closed. This fine vehicle no longer has a mother ship to return to. And…I am feeling sad.

This company always welcomed me to it’s factory. I was welcomed as if I were family. When I had an issue I could chat with them on line or call them. Names such as Leo, Deron, Sean and others were my go to guys with all things Roadtrek. Now these people and nine hundred others have lost their jobs and are trying to figure out what to do with the rest of their lives. For some this was the only job they had ever known. It is a hard reality they have to face.

It is a hard reality I have to face, too. I no longer have a mothership to go to. Who do I turn to when no one else is able to solve my issue? Although I do have other resources out there, currently I feel like I am at a loss.

I started this post with two quotes from Wikipedia. I know grief, personally. My husband, Jim died over six years ago. Whew talk about grief. Many things are now better in my life yet this issue of loss still raises it’s tentacles and wraps around many parts of my life. Often I don’t see it coming until it is present and I have to cope and understand these issues all over again. 

I am grieving for the loss of this company. I have lost friends, I have lost the Company. I feel sad and a bit melancholy. And yes I am grieving. Thankfully this is not the strong unrepentant grieving of Jim’s death, but make no mistake about it I am certainly grieving. 

Like many of us who own these wonderful machines we are trying to figure out what is next. I am thankful I am no longer in warranty. I have resources. I know there are people out there who can help. I don’t have the easy fix of calling the factory. I am going to have to learn even more about how to take care of my home. 

I also understand that it is important to give myself this time to grieve. It is OK to feel sad or angry or melancholy or whatever other emotion I feel over this loss. 

And then….I will get in my Roadtrek, EmmyLou and go off on another adventure.