Category Archives: Being Alone

Personal Growth and Gratitude: Reflecting on My Volunteer Experience

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I am beginning my third week of volunteering at Washington State Parks, and my last day is Monday.

It has been an interesting two-plus weeks. I have met many people, Americans, Canadians, Belgians, and others from all over the Americas, Europe, and the Asian Continent. I have enjoyed these moments in time and have had many delightful conversations about their visit to the park, their homes, jobs and joy of being out doors.

I am also exhausted physically and maybe a bit emotionally. I feel like I am peopled out. I work about four hours a day, and by the end of the four hours, I return to my rig, stare at the computer screen, and do nothing.

I am a member of the Sisterhood of Widows Facebook page. It is a private group that is for women who have lost their partners. When I chose to help my friend Tina through the loss of her husband, I was introduced to this group. Below is a recent post that made me stop in my tracks. It struck a strong chord of truth for me.

“Trauma survivors often get in the habit of spending a lot of time alone because alone is Safe—relatively anyway. Alone is controllable. We understand alone. We don’t have to stress about alone. 

People are unpredictable. When we are alone, there is less risk to manage.”

Since my husband’s death, I have spent most of my time alone. I travel to the wild outback countries of the United States, Canada, and more by myself. Since my cat Elsie disappeared in 2019, I have traveled alone. I spend much of my days and evenings by myself, and I am comfortable.

I enjoy rich conversations with people, friends, and strangers in small and intimate doses, and then I return to being alone again. Sometimes, I meet up with friends and camp for several days. I love the company and conversation. Even in these group situations, I have time alone to recover the silence that has been such a part of my life since Jim’s death.

Over the past few years, I have recognized that for my mental health, it is time to enter the world of people. Part of the reason I took this volunteer position was to be more involved in the world of people. When this position appeared, knowing it was a limited-time position, I decided this was a good way to try out the world of people again.

I am sure I will learn many things from this three-week volunteer position. I have learned that I need to manage my dose of people. Being around people for four or more hours a day consistently, day after day, is a bit too much for me. It has physically and emotionally worn me out. I think I will decrease the dose of people after the following Monday.

Don’t get me wrong—I love socializing and having intimate small-group contact. However, the daily dose of humans is a bit too much. It takes a lot of energy to be “on” so frequently. I knew this when I worked as a tour manager, yet I think I have forgotten it, or it has faded into the background of my life.

I will continue to reach out more often to others as I continue this life journey. Hopefully, I can manage to find a good balance between being together with others and spending time alone.

Today, I am thankful for the continuing opportunities for personal growth and meeting so many delightful people in these beautiful state parks in Washington State. I am grateful for my family and friends, who have supported me through the interesting times since Jim’s death. I am grateful for their unconditional love and support. That alone helps me to reach out from my comfort zone.

Today, I am thankful.

Exploring Washington State: Nature, Friends, Growth and Adventure

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I have been traveling in Washington state since the end of May. It is still chilly here. The sun is now out more than it rains and the daylight hours are extensive. Sunset is close to 10 pm.

Friends

I have been in the country, on the lower end of the Olympic Peninsula, and in Seattle. Wild things draw me to the wild places. Friends draw me to the city. Once I am in the city, I discover there are delightfully wild places to keep this nature-loving lady happy. I am happy to visit with good friends, and I am happy to launch my kayak or take a bike ride and discover the wildness within the city boundaries.

This year, I have decided to visit places I have never been before. I took a ferry to the lovely island of Guemes. This is a residential island except for vacation rentals, artists’ studios, the Guemes Island General Store, and the Ferry.

I camped in a field. My neighbor was a beautiful paint horse, a few deer, and, of course, birds. I walked, biked, and visited this little island. I found a community labyrinth among the pines, attended the Strawberry Ice Cream Social, and stopped at the General Store.

Hanging on the wall of the general store was a poster, “How to Build Community.” I stopped and read it.

Loneliness is something I contend with at times, living this lifestyle. I love visiting with my friends and chatting with new people, yet much of my life is spent alone.

Reading this poster challenged me to pick one topic and attempt to include it in my day, every day.

I particularly like the statement “look up.” Like many of us, I look down at my phone often, more often than I should, more often than I think is healthy. Today, as I was returning from a hike, I saw a lovely young woman walking on the beach. I looked up and said hello. We spoke for a few moments and shared the treasures we had found. And just like that, my day became richer for this brief encounter.

One positive experience makes me willing to try something else on this list. Which one are you willing to try?

Today I am thankful for my sense of adventure. Today I am thankful for posters that catch my eye and just like that, help me to grow. Today I am thankful.

The Best Laid Plans….

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You know how you make a plan that seems set, and then bam… something happens, and everything changes? Here I am, not even out of California, and things have changed. Sigh.

Santa Barbara

My friend Tina and I had a wonderful five days exploring Santa Barbara and Carpenteria. It was casual and relaxing, just what I needed, and I hope she enjoyed it, too.

Tina headed south on the bus/train on April 1, and I headed north. Something was not right with me. I had been feeling off for about five days, just a little, and it was easy to ignore or put it aside.

Lavender Fields at Sunset

I gave up after spending a lovely night at Hambly Lavender Farm in the Central California Coastal area. I decided to see a doctor to find out what was happening physically.

I called a Roadtrek friend in Salinas, CA. You might remember my adventures with Woody the Cat. I have house-sat for Mandy, Woody, and Rocky, the dog, a few times over the past few years. I wanted someone to love me a little and listen to me. I did not want to be alone.

I am in Salinas through the weekend, at least. I am now on antibiotics for an infection, and I get to rest, relax, and enjoy everyone’s company. I also have a soft big bed in which to sleep.

I have had problems with infections this winter, and I thought they had resolved, but they have not yet. Hopefully, this will work, and I can continue north. If not, I will decide what I am doing and when, on the fly. Plans might be changing for the summer. Stay tuned.

Sleeping in the Lavender Fields

I have often said that my RV, EmmyLou, saved my life after Jim’s death. My first trip, less than a year after he died, was a lifesaver. Everyone was waiting to greet me with open arms. I was loved, pampered, and more.

Traveling, seeing amazing and unique places, and meeting interesting and delightful people have been an experience. Meeting people and becoming friends with them is definitely the part of this experience that saved me when I needed it most.

These people are not just Roadtrek friends; I have become friends with diverse people. I feel so honored to call them my friends. We travel together. I visit them in their homes, house-sit for them, we meet in the desert in the winter, along the Oregon Coast in the summer, kayak together, go to Mexico, and more. My life has become richer and fuller due to these friendships. I have been reading quotes recently about the need for people to find their tribe. My RV’ing buddies are definitely part of my tribe, and I am so honored to have each and everyone in my life. I treasure these Heartfelt friendships.

This is the latest update. Travel is temporarily on hold. I am resting and enjoying an extended visit with Mandy. It is good to catch up. I get to take Rocky for walks. It gets me out and keeps me active on these rainy days. Woody snuggles in the evening. What more could I ask for? Well, I could ask to be well. I am working on that.

Meanwhile, I am thankful for so much today. I am thankful for the Nurse Practitioner who was kind and helpful this morning. I am thankful for the good medical care in this country. I am thankful for my Tribe—you know who you are. On a cold, rainy, and hail-kind-of day, I am thankful for Mandy, who has taken me in, loved me, and given me a big, comfy bed to sleep in.

Today, I am Thankful for Just About Everything.

One of Those Weeks

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Have you ever had one of those weeks? I have no doubt that the answer is yes. We all have had those weeks. Some are good, exciting, and excellent. Other weeks make me question what the heck is going on.

A week ago, I had a “what the heck is going on?” kind of week. I woke up on Friday and thought I didn’t feel one hundred percent. I tested myself for COVID-19 and laid low for the day.

The next morning I felt better, and then I did not. Another COVID-19 test was negative, so I masked up and joined friends at a matinee on Saturday afternoon. I, who love dance, nodded twice during the performance. How did that happen? After the performance, I returned home and laid low for the rest of the day.

So far, so good, Right? My right nostril was sore by Sunday afternoon and felt like a developing pimple. I am 71!!!! Years old, Pimple Season is over, Right!?!

Despite warm soaks and over-the-counter painkillers, over the next few days, my nose became sore, swollen, red, and hurt a lot. By mid-week, I decided it was time to go to Urgent Care. The doctor told me it was a good thing I decided to come in. I was diagnosed with a staph infection in my nostril. The next thing I knew, I was on an oral antibiotic, a topical antibiotic, and lidocaine to stop the pain. My nose ballooned up and altered in many shades of red over the next few days.

In the middle of all this, I lost a filling and had to visit the dentist for a new one. Really?

Forward to Friday and a return trip to the Doctor. By the end of that visit, another antibiotic and a weaning dose of prednisone were added to my repertoire of medicines. I am so thankful for the prednisone, which helped relieve the pain and decrease the swelling.

Finally, by Saturday, I was feeling better. My nose was decreasing in size, the pain was receding, and I felt a bit more socially presentable.

On Sunday, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and head to the Colorado River to meet good friends and get some paddling time.

And, just like that, my odd and weird week was behind me. I finished the antibiotics and the prednisone and am now getting my digestive system back in order.

Here are so many takeaways from last week.

  • And, just like that, life can change direction.
  • Staph infections are a serious business. Years back, when I was still working as a nurse, people were admitted to the hospital for this, and some were very sick. Don’t Mess With Staph!
  • I need to be my own advocate for health care. I am such a strong believer in this. With knowledge comes power. I believe I did a pretty good job.
  • Listen to my body.
  • My body took more of a hit than I realized. It took me a few days to realize I needed to honor a body in recovery. Take naps, eat and drink well, and stay put. Small walks, not big ones.
  • I miss having someone to care for me when I feel unwell. My little girl wanted to be tucked into bed and given comfort foods. Instead, I had to do that myself. Pasta is a great comfort food.
  • I am thankful for having a small, dry, warm home to snuggle into.
  • I felt like a walking petri dish. I kept telling people they needed to wash their hands everywhere I went. The doctors were told. The dentist was told. Wash Your Hands!!!! I know I was preaching to the choir.

I am so thankful for the healthcare system in this country. I am thankful for the doctors who were kind and compassionate to my situation. I am thankful for their knowledge and willingness to share it with me. I am thankful for medications that work. I am thankful they told me more than once that I did not have cancer (always a remote lingering thought in my mind). The dentist had to reaffirm the same thing. Anytime anything above the neck happens, I worry and fuss. Sigh.

I am thankful for my health and body’s innate need to heal. It is a pretty magical thing, this body I inhabit.

Today I am thankful for the healing effects of kayaking on any body of water and visiting with friends.

Whew, Today I am Really Thankful.

How I Made it to the TransLabrador Highway-Part I

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How did I get to the TransLabrador Highway? After speaking with a friend of mine I realized I have some catching up to do. I have been busy and enjoying exploring places I have never been before.

After the Roadtrek Gathering in Nova Scotia, I returned to Halifax to explore the area just north of the city with my friend Cynthia from San Diego. We went to Cow Bay because well, why not? What is Cow Bay known for? There is a giant sculpture of a Moose that people like to go and see.

After we wandered the beaches and had lunch we returned for an afternoon Scottish Dance.

From that moment on plans changed and they were arranged as I drove. I had an opportunity to participate in a photography workshop to photograph Puffins on the north shore of the Gulf of St Lawrence in Quebec province, Canada. It was a last-minute change. Newfoundland got put on hold and I took about a week to arrive at the workshop.

It was time to visit National Parks in Canada. Definitely a very good experience. I love National and State Parks. Wherever they are, the campsites are private and there is always something to explore. I spent two nights at Kouchibouguac National Park in New Brunswick Canada. I had a great campsite and spending more than one night allowed me the opportunity to explore this park by bike and kayak. It was a place I could return to again for a longer stay. There was a lot to do. And the scenery is amazing.

As I continued to make my way north I spent two nights in Campbellton New Brunswick. Set along the Restigouche River and surrounded by the Appalachian Mountain Range.

The site of 16th- and 17th-century French missions and Scottish fish and lumber trading posts, it was settled by dispossessed ACADIANS in 1757, though most left with the French defeat in the 1760 naval Battle of the RESTIGOUCHE. It received its present name (for Lieutenant-Governor Sir Archibald CAMPBELL) after a post-1825 influx of Scots.

The Province of Quebec is across the river and connected to Campbellton by the J. C. Van Horne Bridge. The community is a hot spot for fly fishing for Atlantic Salmon. It was also a bike-friendly city. When traveling full time there are certain times where checking into an RV park is the best thing to do. I stayed at a lovely park right on the river. And….I got to do my laundry.

The next morning I visited the nearby towns. I could have been in Scotland. I went to McLeods in the morning to visit the Farmers Market. On the way there I passed through the towns of Dundee and Upper Dundee.

And then it was time to get on my bike and explore Campbellton. It is a small city right on the river. There are bike paths that one could travel miles on. It was fun to explore this fishing mecca. It must have not been the right time of the year for the salmon as it was quiet.

Looking down the Restigoushie River

I continued to drive north the long way around. I arrived at my second Canadian National Park in the afternoon. Forillon National Park sits at the end of the road, overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. My heels have been happy so I did quite a bit of hiking at this park. There was so much to see. I loved the wildness of it. On my hike to the lighthouse (5 miles round trip) I saw whales.

Historic Cod plant
Lighthouse at the park
View from the end of the trail

After two days I arose early one morning to drive the four hours to the ferry and prepared to cross the St Lawrence Seaway. I was on my way to Puffin-land. I promise I will tell you more. It was so much fun.

Now the fog is lifting and I think I have covered a lot of territory both physically and writing-wise. I am fine out here in this big wide lonely country. Currently, I am sitting next to the beach where I spent my night. Boondocking is so much fun here.

Today I head south so I can catch my ferry for the next part of the adventure. Newfoundland.

Today I am thankful for my eyes, my ears, my heart, and my spirit that seeks out adventures great and small. It makes my life whole.

Today I am Thankful.

Wide Open Lonely Country

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I have been traveling the Trans-Labrador Highway west to east for the past six days. It is a wide open, lonely land with firs covering more distance than anyone can imagine. They are usually short scrubby trees indicating the long, harsh winters, the winds, and the terrain. As I red approached the Atlantic the land has become more open glaciated terrain. And then there is water. Lakes, Rivers, Streams, Bogs, and Brooks. 

I drove into this country not knowing what to expect. It was not on my original route. Over the first few days, this wild space embraced me. It gave me time to think, feel, ponder, and recognize the loneliness of the land and myself. Until the third day, the only time I spoke with someone was when I filled up my thirsty gas tank. Then it was off into the wilderness again. 

Boondocking

Each day, I pulled into camp around three in the afternoon. I was dry camping or boondocking. I would find a dirt road and pull in to see if there was a good, hopefully level spot to camp for the night. 

Then I would wander, down to the river, out into the woods to see what my home was for those twelve hours. I would return to my rig when the black flies would become too much to bear. This was my routine each night.

And I thought and pondered. Being alone is hard, being alone is easy. Being alone way out here is just, alone. 

Several years ago there was a woman who had recently bought a Roadtrek and began to travel with her dog. I never met her but was in touch with her by email and on Facebook. Her life was a struggle and had appeared to be so for quite some time. Sometime in that year she went into the mountains of the southeastern United States and died. I was going to say committed suicide but that is a term I am not always comfortable with. One night I thought about her as dusk turned to night. 

I wonder if her loneliness was profound and there was no other way out. It is hard to have someone end their life like this. I always want to understand why. Often there is no answer. What makes one person choose this way out and another struggle to find solid ground and become richer for the experience of thinking about this and choosing life?

Have I thought about this? Yes, I have. Those first years after Jim’s death were hard. The grief was hard. The loss was hard. The balance in my life was sent off kilter and I needed to find it again. Sometimes when life is hard, we think of easy ways out. I don’t think suicide is an easy way out. I believe it is something people struggle with for a long time before coming to the acceptance that this is the way to leave this world. For others like me, I take a deep breath and strive to find purpose and balance again in my life. I am still working on it.

I mourned her loss that evening and embraced the grief and the struggle that her death brought to me. I have not thought of her in a long time but a few nights in the wide-open lonely country gave me a chance to mourn her loss and say goodbye.

I have had to say farewell to some good friends over the past couple of years. My past year has been a bit overwhelming with friends who have stepped out of this world. I have taken some time on this trip to think of each one and embrace my sense of loss and say my own farewell to them out in this wide open lonely country.

Chris McCandless left his home on the east coast of the United States and traveled across the United States and into Alaska. He was another soul who was a bit lost. He finally found a bus and made it his home in the wilds of Alaska. He died there as well. The wilderness can call a person and welcome them in. If a person is not aware it can pull them in so strongly that they never leave again. Maybe they are not prepared for the harsh unforgiving land, not enough food, not the right gear, not enough knowledge going in. I have thought about him and about how the outback of Alaska may have given him some comfort as he unsuccessfully tried to survive. The wilderness of the land and the wildness of the soul can be harsh and unforgiving teachers. 

I have been in the wilderness before but nothing like the country I am in now. I admit that I could have come a bit more prepared. My rig is good and she got me through these long days with ease. Good for you EmmyLou I appreciate her so much. A good and fine home. How could I have been more prepared?

I did let my one sister know where I was heading and when I would be taking the ferry to “The Rock”-Newfoundland.

Each day brought no cell phone reception. If something had gone wrong with me or the rig there was no way to reach out. Next time I will bring a satellite radio. It is good to be prepared. There were cars and trucks on the road so I would not have been alone for long. People out in this country are kind and thoughtful and will reach out to the person stranded on the side of the road. 

This morning I am sitting at a pullover writing this before I enter back into the land of people and tourism.  Out there on this body of water next to my rig are loons calling into this wild land. Last night I heard an Elk bugle, waking me from a sound sleep. I feel like I drove into this country one person and am leaving more settled and aware of what may be important to my life at this moment. 

It is a wild lonely country out here. I am grateful today for the experience of it. I am more than thankful that I was able to enjoy it end to end without mishap. Today I am thankful that I will acclimate back into the life of people. I am in Red Bay and oh look…there is a restaurant. Breakfast anyone?

A Change in Attitude

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Monday I went in search for rhubarb. Did you know that Washington State is a prime producer of rhubarb? I did not know this but as I drive or bike around the island I have noticed the Rhubarb for Sale signs at the end of driveways. I love rhubarb. This rhubarb search started because of a recipe published in the New York Times for Vanilla Bean Rhubarb Cobbler. There is rhubarb growing where I am house sitting but not enough.

I have been feeling a bit lonely and out of sorts for the past few days. I have been feeling sorry for myself. I find it hard to be solo in a society that favors couples and relationships. This is not my world. I am not sure what my world should be. Covid has made me even more confused and lost. This was my mood as I ventured off to find rhubarb.

My day changed. My attitude shifted.

My first stop was a farm stand with a coffee stand, produce and plants for the garden. The two women behind the coffee cart helped me weigh out the rhubarb. We chatted and laughed. I ordered a cup of coffee and then discovered this was a brand new enterprise, having only been open for two days. We talked about living in an RV and house sitting. They were so kind and helpful and my attitude shifted with this momentary conversation and feeling of worthiness. Happily with rhubarb in hand, I departed.

My mini-aventure in happiness and self worth continued.

I am having a major issue with my refrigerator door. It kind of fell off because of broken plastic parts that have worn with time. Buying a new door is expensive. I am a do it myself kind of woman and I have decided that I want to try to fix it. I have been studying this door and thinking. Today since I was near Home Depot I thought I would walk in with my door in hand and ask some of the experts.

I was standing in the aisle with all the nuts and bolts and doing the Home Depot stare. The stare was something I learned from Jim and I often notice it on people, especially men in these kind of stores. Now I do it too.

This man in an orange top was walking down the aisle. I assumed he was an employee. I stopped him and started to ask for his help. He said he was busy and left. A few minutes later he returned and asks me about the door. I showed it to him and explained the problem. I need to figure out some way to secure the door and replace or fix the broken parts. He looked at it for a few minutes and came up with a suggestion. The first idea didn’t pan out so we started talking it through again and he came up with a great idea and even better, one I can do myself.

I took a close look at him and realized he was not wearing a Home Depot employee vest or work uniform. He had an orange safety vest on. I said to him “you don’t work here do you?”. He smiled and said no. He works contract for the military in Oak Harbor. He said that people often mistake him for a employee of Home Depot as he frequents the store as part of his job. Sean and I had a great conversation and he figured out a solution to the issue at hand. He made my day. I was so surprised that he came back to help me. The smallest interactions sometimes offer the greatest rewards.

I now have a plan and hopefully the door will be fixed within the week.

Since I was in Oak Harbor and had not really visited this part of the Island I looked at a map and figured out how to take the backroads close to the west side of the Island on my return Greenbank. I discovered Joseph Whidbey State Park. Every State Park I have been to in Washington is very pretty. This park did not disappoint. I hiked a short trail to the beach and started to stroll up the beach. As I walked by a family, two adults and two children, the woman got up, with mask in place and asked me if I was looking for agates. They proceeded to show me all the agates they had found and told me it was a hobby that everyone enjoyed. She guaranteed that I would find some. Well she was wrong, however, I was given the gift of another momentary interaction that made me feel unique and worthy.

Searching for Agates

I have my rhubarb and a plan of action for my refrigerator door repair. I certainly have a much better attitude and outlook than when I left home this morning. Sometimes the smallest interactions are the mightiest. I came home feeling happy after a fun-filled day of small interactions with other people. My self worth had increased and I currently find no traces of my morning attitude. It helped to be out in nature for part of the day. I saw some new birds which is always exciting. I have also discovered another park that I would like to go back and explore more. Maybe I will find an agate.

Today I am thankful for the unseen guidance that puts me in the right place to receive what I need at this moment in time. Today I am grateful for all the tiny moments given to me by others to brighten my day and my awareness. Today I am Thankful.

A Teaching Moment

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Yesterday I took a bike ride. I rode one of my favorite routes to Cascade Lake. I like to go to this State Park Day Use area, sit on the rocks and watch the activities on the lake. I started out in the partial sun and arrived back at my current home in smoke-filled skies. What a change a few hours can make.

Something I will never do.

As I was riding on the paved trails I encountered a small garter snake. It was trying to cross the path as I was biking by. If you have read my previous post Snakes! you know that I am not fond of snakes. In fact, I am a bit afraid of them. They always surprise me and cause my heart to race.

Here is this poor snake, it sees my bike and I see the snake. I immediately think “Oh my God, I am going to run over this snake and it is going to get stuck in my spokes and be tossed on me. I freaked. The snake freaked. It started to squiggle back and forth rapidly on the trail, not knowing what direction to head to avoid that big object coming at it. Know that this all happened in a few moments of time.

After this event I began to think of this poor snake, rapidly moving back and forth on the trail trying to escape my bike and find safety. It finally succeeded and moved off the trail into the undergrowth. I was thankful and I imagine it was thankful too.

How many times have I done this in my life when confronted with the unknown and challenges and stressful moments? Do I move rapidly in many directions before I finally recognize the obstacle and figure a way to overcome the situation I am in? How long do I move back and forth and go through the darkness of indecision before I finally find my way out of my predicament? Is it a split second, days weeks, or years?

I believe that as humans we all do this at times in our lives. When confronted with the unknown or stress or the need to make a decision, we have to move back and forth and around, trying to figure out the best approach to find the most correct result. Sometimes the best thing we can do is move back to where we previously were. Sometimes we force ourselves forward to achieve that next goal or slip through the obstacle that confronts us. Sometimes we slither back and forth rapidly on the trail.

Avoiding decisions or opportunities is not possible, something will move us forward. We have to move in one direction or another. If one approach doesn’t work then it is important to look at other possibilities. Just like that little, harmless snake, we try out different things until the right way presents itself.

Who knew that this moment in time would give me reflection on a much larger and broader subject. I have thought about this snake a lot since I saw it yesterday. Symbols are important to me. Sometimes one word or act allows me to see the much larger picture or the smaller details. Maybe this garter snake was simply feeling everything out in a nanosecond and unconsciously chose the quickest way out. For me, it represented a bit more than the quick way out. It gave me the opportunity to reflect on this topic.

Cascade Lake

Today I am thankful for all living things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conversational Narcissism

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“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”                      Epictetus

Sunday I took myself out for a late breakfast at a restaurant near where I am camped in San Diego County. The Trails is becoming a favorite of mine. The menu is good and even though it is often crowded and there is a wait, as a single I get to sit at the first come first serve counter. I love sitting there. I never know who is going to be sitting next to me.

The first time I went I met a young man who shared with me all of his favorites on the menu. We had a delightful conversation. Since then I have seen him again. As I walked in he was walking out. Yesterday I met Dan, an older man, an author, and quite the conversationalist. I spent almost two hours chatting with him, learning about his unique and interesting life. For two whole hours, I left my cell phone ignored on the counter, and when it did ring I simply set it to message. I don’t do that often enough these days. It is definitely something I would like to do again and a bit more often.

Lately, I have had some sites cross my Facebook page regarding the topic of Conversational Narcissism. When I reposted it I was amazed at the responses I received. It appears many of us saw a little bit of ourselves in the related post: The Mistake I Made With My Grieving Friend. This article and further articles I have researched on this topic have made me very aware of my human fallacy when attempting to support and listen to my friends and others.

“Conversational Narcissism was coined by sociologist Charles Derber and describes the tendency to turn a conversation back to yourself. Conversational narcissists tend to keep the focus on themselves, so you’re getting attention but not giving any away. It invalidates the other person and what they’re trying to share. The problem is, talking about ourselves is natural, so it’s hard to notice when you’re overdoing it.” (Marissa Lalibert)

I have experienced this with Jim’s death, my own experiences with cancer and currently with the loss of Elsie the Cat. Many times the conversation was turned around to the person who was attempting to listen and support me. There are times that this made me feel unacknowledged and uncomfortable. Never, please never tell someone to move on. Need I say more.

Part of being human is recognizing my own frailties and learning how to change and grow from this recognition. I recognize that I have also been the one turning the conversation to myself. I hope that it happens less now. I am more aware of this conversational tendency and I can catch myself, take a deep breath and turn the conversation back to the person who is needing my support and love.

In my twenties and thirties, I studied medicine and spirituality with the Native American culture. I valued the “Talking Stick”. The Talking Stick is a tool used in many Native American traditions when a council is called. It allows all council members to present their point of view. It is passed from person to person as they speak and only the person holding the stick is allowed to talk during that time period. Using an object, any object is a visible reminder to those of us not holding the stick to be quiet and listen, really listen. The person holding the stick is able to complete a thought or idea. The speaker feels his opinion is respected and valued and considered.

The Society of Friends, more commonly known as The Quakers also practice this art of listening in their Silent Meetings for Worship. “During worship, a message may come to us. Friends have found that messages may be for our personal reflection or for sharing on another occasion. Or they may be led to stand and speak. Friends value spoken messages that come from the heart and are prompted by the Spirit, and we also value the silence we share together. Following a spoken message, we return to the silence to examine ourselves in the Light of that message. Meeting for worship ends when one Friend, designated in advance, shakes hands with his or her neighbors. Then everyone shakes hands. No two meetings are ever the same.”

Back to Dan at the restaurant on Sunday. He was a delightful man with a very interesting past. The longer I sat there, I realized he never asked me anything about myself. For almost two full hours Dan spoke of himself and his life experiences. Dan never even asked me my name. Although I enjoyed hearing of his life and the history of Los Angeles, where he grew up, and what he had achieved in his life, he never once asked me about myself. What was I doing there? Where did I live? The usual conversation openers when people meet for the first time were not present.

In certain circumstances, maybe Conversational Narcissism is OK. I learned a lot from Dan. He was a storyteller and wove the stories of his life in an interesting and ear-catching way. I had a delightful two-hour conversation with him. I did not feel devalued or left out. Even recognizing that he never asked me anything about myself, the two hours were delightful. I had no expectations just a good breakfast companion.

I also think that what we see as a one-sided conversation, maybe contributed to loneliness. Dan lived alone, I live alone. Sometimes when I am around others I will tend to talk more than when I shared my life with Jim and even Miss Elsie the Cat. Yes, I do get tired of my own company. Yes, there are ideas I want to share. I do try to catch myself when I feel like I am talking too much. I believe I do better at this today than when I was younger.

I am sitting in a coffee house as I write this. My ears are a little more tuned into conversations around me. The art of conversation is hard. Unless we have taken classes in the art of conversation, all of us struggle just a little with the whole idea of communicating with others. I was not taught how to converse as I was growing up. You just did it. Sometimes it was successful and others, well, not so much.

As we approach the holiday and we gather with family and friends, our conversational awareness will be tested. The family often is the ultimate test of conversation. They can be the most critical and the most supportive. As I approach Christmas day I hope that I can remember to take a deep breath and truly listen to the joy of others in the celebration of this day.

 

Learning to be Alone

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It has been over two weeks since Miss Elsie the Cat took a walk. I try to remain hopeful. It is hard to do.

Since before Jim died over seven years ago, Elsie was a part of our life. She arrived as a wee kitty that could fit into the palm of one hand. She snuck her way into our hearts. She liked me and adored Jim. After Jim died, Elsie waited for five months before she decided that I was up to be part of the primary team.

Elsie was a remaining connection to Jim and my life together. The first week after she disappeared, I felt like I dove deep into grief again, similar to after Jim initially died. Grief for the loss of Miss Elsie. Grief for the loss of Jim. Grief for the loss of our life together. This kind of grief is not a good place to stay. I have been using my resources, friends and more to get me back out of that spot. It is OK to visit. It is not OK to stay long.

I am learning how to be alone. When Jim died, Elsie the cat was still with me and I could rely on her for good purry company. I love her companionship. I love how she would talk to me and look at me with those adoring eyes. Now that she is on an adventure, wherever that may-be, I need to learn to be alone. After having some type of companionship for close to thirty years, it is not an easy lesson to learn. I thought it would be easy, yet I find it difficult. I have been talking to her and Jim in absentia a lot lately.

How do I learn to be comfortable being alone? That is a loaded question and the answers are not clear as they seem to change by the minute, hour and day. It is hard to figure out the alone part when I dive into moments of sadness. I come back out and things look a little brighter and then, poof, there is another one that pops up. Sigh.

I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas. They are holidays of celebration, joy, and fun. Being single and alone is not always fun. I decided this past week to stretch myself and ask for help. Well, actually it is asking to be included. Today I decided to ask my San Diego friends to think about including me in their holiday fun. I sent out an email to a few close friends asking them to consider including me, if not for the event, maybe for a walk or a few hours of their time. Now I want to extend that to the broader San Diego Community. I promise not to be maudlin or sad. If anything I think I will be joyous, just to be around others and enjoying the companionship and fun.

I know I could volunteer, yet this year it feels like I want to be included with those I love or those who love me or both. All you local San Diegans, if I did not email you and you want to respond to my plea of inclusion, it would be welcomed with open arms and an open heart.

I am grateful for my friends and family today. I am grateful for all those people out there in the cyberworld who are helping me look for a lost kitty. I am thankful for my time with Miss Elsie the Cat.

I remain optimistically hopeful.